anger, martyr or self pity? - Al-Anon Family Group

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

anger, martyr or self pity?

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

The slogan, "How important is it?" comes to mind.

How important are all these little things that you allow them to take over your life and disrupt your serenity?

As always, I'm pretty floundering when it comes to kids, though, in how much "controlling" do they require in their lives in order to get by? I'm not a parent, so I can't say...

I sometimes think, well, like the AH, the kids need to learn to sink or swim when it comes to taking care of their homework. You let them not do their homework and then get in trouble in school - now who has learned a lesson here?

Is it time for you to step in after they've gotten into trouble or before? Like with the A's are you depriving them of valuable lessons by making sure they never get in trouble? Are you teaching them to just always depend on Mom to make sure their lives go right all the time?

How important is the homework thing that you drop everything you're doing in your life to make sure it gets done?

As a kid, I honestly don't ever really remember my parents hounding me about doing my homework all that often. Most of the time, I'd just lie to them, anyhow, and not tell them I had homework in the first place. Because I didn't speak up, though, I learned pretty quickly on my own that if I wanted to get good grades, I needed to keep on top of myself and do what was required of me by my teachers.

I certainly don't remember my parents actually sitting down with me, either, to actually HELP me with my homework. What the hey is that all about? I think maybe on a couple occasions I asked for some assistance, which they gave, but the rest of the time, I put my head down and was on my own.

In any case... again, I'm clueless, though, in the role of a parent how important it is to drop everything you're doing to make sure the kids are always getting their homework done.

I think some things obviously need more parental intervention than others - like getting on top of your kids about safe sex and that sort of thing - teaching them and informing them, but then after that... what? You're going to walk around with them all day and night and be there during every date to make sure they make responsible choices for themselves should they find themselves in a sexual situation? Of course not. They learn through trial and error, just like we continue to learn up to our last day on earth.

We all sink or swim in situations, and the situations that sink us are the ones that turn us into stronger swimmers when we fight our way back to the surface and learn how not to sink ourselves in the future.

My hats off to you parents, though - in a program like Al-Anon where we learn that controlling others just screws us up royally, you still have to pull out the "control key" on the kids as they're that. Kids. Not adults.

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi ddub,

The teenage homework thing.......AAAHHHHHH! That is an area in my life that wrecks my serenity every time. I find myself repeating the same behavior patterns of getting frustrated and involved in a negative sort of way, and it certainly does nothing to nurture the relationship with my son. I think I make him feel like a failure because I put so much stress on the situation, but I just don't know how to pull back. I, too, always want to lay blame. I want to apply the slogan, "How important is it?", but find my answer of "very" not too soothing. Ultimately, however, it is up to them and our role is small in comparison. Thus, I think we need to ask ourselves if the benefit of our involvement outweighs the frustration and chaos it seems to cause.

I find it difficult that the A doesn't see things the way I do. Being that I am the one who is there daily and knows the "whole story" about what is going on, I can't stand that he seems to always have a simple answer in the rare opportunites he plays a part. I see his mood automatically switch if I mention an additional assignment or a bad grade. He likes it when everything is smooth, rosey and convenient, ya know? Yep, let the bad stuff just go away.

My kids spent the weekend with their dad and I had no control over what studying was done. Not good given there are only 2 more weeks of school. Even more, when they were driving off tonight (for 1 more night that I didn't know about) I asked my son if he had told his dad about a math episode from last week and the answer was "no". Does son just trust me more or just not want to disappoint dad? Unfortunate for me, I think it is the latter, and if dad knew the truth maybe they wouldn't have spent the evening swimming. But, I made the choice to step back on that one to give my child some dignity, and now I question if I did the right thing or not.

So, to answer your question dear ddub, I think you answered it perfectly. I acknowledge though that saying and doing are entirely different things. It is hard to step back when it seems there is so much on the line, but ultimately it is not up to us. I often wonder if there is something entirely different and covert I can do, such as setting up a better study environment or system of accountability. The good new is that the school year is almost over and we have a couple of months to come up with a new battle plan, huh?

Well, I don't know if I shined any light or just added to the darkness, but at least understand that I know where you are coming from. You are doing the best you can and willing to acknowlege your part to make it better. That is a good start.

Blessings,
Lou

-- Edited by Loupiness at 06:02, 2008-05-19

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree that I need to consider how important is it. I have seen the light with the son in high school - sink or swim, it is his life. This one though is 12, 6th grade with learning disability, dylexia and the teacher is setting up a 504. His homework has already been reduced and he is being treated for anxiety & panic - at 12 which reflects our chaos, etc So, I do need to help out...

I just am trying to figure out how to deal with frustration and anger in a healthy way - maybe it is what it is?

thanks for your ideas,
ddub

-- Edited by ddub at 01:22, 2008-05-20

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah, your guy is still too young and needs guidance in figuring it all out. Sure, it is what it is, but you need to get through it! You know you could remove yourself from the picture somewhat and send your son to a tutoring/learning center a couple of times a week, or hire a high school boy to help with the troubling subjects.

I am on a constant quest for dealing with that frustration and anger too. It seems so simple to me, "if they would just ________", but deep down I know it all begins with me. For me it just seems that the whole situation starts spiraling out of control to the point where I lose it and then it only goes down from there. So with that in mind, what about changing the outside influences? There are all kinds of studies about techniques to improve learning, and being your son is still 12, maybe such things would be welcomed. I can think of two "fun" ones offhand....

Chewing gum has shown to improve focus. Of course this is provided they actually chew it and keep it in their mouths

. There are schools around here that even pass it around during STAR testing.

Studying to instumental rhythmic music is supposed to help improve attention too. Uh, this one makes me want to ban my son from listening to his loud kinda screaming music he studies to. It's no wonder he seems frazzled all the time.

Lastly, waking up your child to a blue lightbulb is supposed to increase alertness and just give your child a better day. Actually, I have wanted to do this for a long time, but hasn't been something I can remember. Hmmm... I wonder if there is a color that would improve my memory?

I know it is way more complicated than this, but just some easy ideas that could make a difference or at least be a catalyst to interupt the current negative patterns. Some things you can control, ya know?

Hang it there, ddub! The good news is the school year is almost over and you have a couple of months to figure out a new battle plan for next year. You acknowledge your anger and frustration and want to change. That is a good start.

Have a good day,
Lou

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Lou

I guess this reminds me about aware, acceptance and then action. I never have acknowledged this pain as anger, frustration so at least that is progress and a start. Thanks for helping me catch a breath and just good to know someone is here and hears me. hugs, ddub

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

I just mouthed off at my AHSober who was visiting because two sons came home. One is up early to start a new job. We were discussing cars, which one to take, which is more reliable. Pretty well had it worked out and then the AHsober comes into the conversation with his two cents. I said we have it all figured out and now you come in and mess it up. Sorry I said that because he just has a crazy thinking process. Maybe he just needs to have his two cents in there to feel important. Then he's making plans with the other son. Limited time and didn't want to inconvenience the friend he brought. So I say this what you do blah, blah, blah. I think that I am brilliant and please everyone. Don't ask just make a plan. My AHsober says well, I am going to ask everyone what they want to do. Drives me crazy because I am codependent and tell everyone what I want them to do. I was always thankful that in raising our sons we had two different points of view and somewhere in between we had good advice and solutions for our sons.

Now, that I am in recovery I am so glad to see myself the way I am and know now that I can make changes.

In support,
Nancy

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

You know I dont' think its about the children. For me its about A's don't seem to be able to cooperate. The A who I lived with for 7 years cooperated in the beginning. After that it was a losing battle, if I asked for something, some space, some room, for him to take on a task he simply couldn't do it. I think its immaturity myself. I now live in a house with more than one A, one who is supposedly sober but didn't know what the steps were when I asked her ???

I expect nothing from them. They can't even be civil. Having expectations with an A set me up, I went round and round with he "should" do this and he didn't. I stuck in that cycle for years.

Expect very very very very little from an A until they can get to a point of sobriety where they can be responsible. Otherwise expect them to be irresponsible.

Maresie.

cookie1971 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((DDub)))))

When my daughter was still in school. (Shes in college now) I don't recall my AH ever helping her with homework, no not even once. This was something that I just could never count on him to do.

There were daily battles between my daughter and I. Crying and tantums, all totally ignored by my AH. I tried to instill good study habits within her. But most of the time it was an uphill battle with absolutely NO help from my AH whatsoever.

Now that she's in college, she appreciates the good study habits I helped her establish. She actually stresses when she is in a deadline for exams. What a difference. But heres the payoff. She tells me that she is thankful for what I did with her as far as homework etc. was concerned.

With my AH it was the total opposite. The time he spent with her was all playtime. He never disciplined her nor did he ever tell her anything that was expected of her.I used to get so angry with him. Sadly, I don't see that my daughter has as much respect for him as she does for me. It makes him angry but theres nothing he can do about it now. She is an adult, and he will have to earn her respect. It wont be easy, because after years of doing things which have caused her to lose all respect for him it will be next to impossible to change it.

Good Luck with your situation, and don't lose heart. I know it can be very frustrating when you feel that you are the only one who is trying to establish some order in your kid's lives.

Take Care of Yourself.

Love,

Claudia

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Last summer when I dealt with the A all summer long i felt like such a martyr. I felt like I did every single thing. I stepped in so many times to save the A's ego. Nowadays I ask the A for nothing and it feels so much better. I think when I gave up expecting him to be available it was such a huge shift for me. I cushioned so much for him. I stopped resenting him and wanting him to be "other". As long as I am stuck in wanting someone to be "other" I had a whole cycle of resentment and effort that just slayed me.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.