The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I are seperated, not legally or anything like that but living apart. I have communicated with him on several occassions, through text messaging. I thought that would be alright, a lot of control over whether or not to talk or not. But I keep finding myself falling into chats with him where I respond to his questions although I have called him on a few "loaded" questions and didn't answer but asked how did he expect me to answer a loaded question. I know sometimes he trying to goad me into a fight but I just stop and think about the different ways I can answer his question. I try to just keep it simple and to the REAL point. I just feel like I need to reevaluate my boundaries and make sure I am being true to myself. I keep questioning it so I must not be. I feel confused and unsure. I know I need to get to a F2F very soon. I love being here and I enjoy the meetings online but I think I need the f2f and maybe find a sponsor. Yeah definitely find a sponsor, locally. I know that I don't have all of the answers but I don't think I am prepared to say Yes let's work on us getting back together and neither of us ready to get a divorce. I know there must be something left between us but I wonder if it's his a-ism or my co-dependency, or both. Yeah for sure need f2f!!!!!!!
I am soooo there with you... the question you posted as your topic is one I struggle with on a daily basis....
On the bad days, I am sure that leaving him is the answer - for both of us... But on the good days, I think, well, we are making progress here...
Like yesterday... a GOOD day... AH normally doesn't work Sundays but it's race season so the city is bustling which meant that he had to work yesterday... didn't expect him home until late, prepared myself for an evening of entertaining myself... He comes home early... I'm surprised but in a good way... he tells me that they weren't as busy as expected so he knocked off early to come home to me, thought maybe we'd have dinner together, watch a movie or TV... we had a nice night together... talked about what's going on in our lives, had some good, honest communication...
The results were good for both of us... This morning, the first thing he did was attend to his business involving his OWI... He has a probation meeting tomorrow morning and needs to attend alcohol classes but those have to be scheduled... He was on the phone with them at 9am when the offices opened... He just called to tell me he is scheduled and actually looking forward to it... once again, saying he knows he needs help and maybe this is the kick he needs to get there... For today, that is good news for him... and me... Tomorrow he may change is mind but for today, I can offer him encouragement to keep on keeping on...
And part of the reason I think we had such good communication is because of my focus on this program lately.... I caught myself a few times almost slipping into a mode that would have surely had me arguing with my AH... but I stopped myself and just listened to him instead... I don't have to agree with what he is saying, and I don't have to be right or assert my view on him... he needed me to listen and that is what I did... and then he listened to me... It was pretty special... There was one point in the conversation when I could tell he was trying to catch a reaction from me that would have taken us down that road, you know the one! And I found myself saying something others have said here, "You may be right"... it shut him down... and then I let it go...
It's a daily battle... and it should be... One day at a time... Yesterday I could feel the program working in me... and I think my reaction to that was good for both of us... Today it might be something else, I'll just have to wait and see... Tomorrow... who knows?
I totally understand that f2f thing you are going through... Me too! Logically, I KNOW I need to get there... To me, it feels like getting there will solidify my committment to getting well and truly working my program on a daily basis... I have hope though... The support I have received here and at the online meetings has given me the boost I need to really get with the program... And after last night, I am even further resolved to make it to an f2f because I do believe that what I am getting here was a contributor to how I dealt with my AH last night... and the positive results that I saw in myself last night after only being involved in this online... Wow! I can just imagine how getting myself to an f2f meeting is going to change my life for the better...
There are good days and bad days in life... whether there is an A involved or not... the difference is in how YOU choose to deal with it...
Today, I don't want an ex-husband... Tomorrow I might want one... It's always an option I keep open... and there may come a time when my boundaries dictate that is the right answer... For today... it doesn't fit...
Things, our view of things, our responsibility in things can change. I'm glad everyone told me not to make a decision until I was certain. If in doubt... don't. I don't have your answers but you do and you can find them by working the steps, going to face to face meetings and finding a sponsor. I am putting some of that off too.. but I know I can find the real answers in myself that way.. everything else is someone else's idea (maybe right or maybe wrong) or me basing my decision on incomplete information.
I constantly complain to others and want an answer but I have put off doing the work to find the answer. The easy way for me is the wrong way and will only cause me more pain, more broken relationships more heartache. These are my ideas about me.. What is best for you only you will know. With Love, wishing your best for you! Glad
Wildthang86 and, Amybear, You are both to be commended. You are both working the program. Imagine your live before MIP, it was a dark room. I read over and over in both your posts, and the tools you are using now to give your self a boost. Now you are in a room with a lamp on, and you can see. When you do go to a f2f meeting, and open that door It will be like seeing a sunrise. Imagine your HP walking you to the meeting, and opening the door for you. As the"ole"saying goes. You have found the water, you just need to take a drink. But, only you know when to make that decision.Good luck in your recovery. RLC
It's been an up and down day for me. My day started off with my oldest son's school calling to tell me that he was not at school for a final exam. I was so ready to scream my head off because we have a contract where he has to go to school, do chores, etc. to stay in the house. I was packing his stuff up and getting ready to put his stuff out on the steps and then I stopped and decided to call the school and see if he showed up. I had taken him to school, he is a Senior and just recently I caught him smoking pot in my basement so we had many issues. But this was like alright you broke the contract you are gone. But the school told me that he did get to the exam and take it, I was so relieved. The my AH and I had a few messages back and forth, not related to our son, just our issues. I was ticked off again. I kept trying to get myself settled down to do a meeting online and just kept getting distracted. So that ticked me off too because I am so determined for nothing to get in my way of bettering myself I just felt like I was not focusing. So I decided to give my AH my undivided attention and things seemed to smooth out a little. We actually laughed a little, ya know LOL on text messaging, but we still had to figure out bills and money. No fun. I decided I would do the evening meeting but had to attend to homework with younger son. Realized I had missed the meeting and got ticked again. So then my daughter points out to me, it's alright mom you laughed and I haven't heard you laugh in a long time. How easy it is to forget that you haven't laughed. So I decided it's alright that I missed the meetings, I will try again tomorrow with the same focus I started my day off with today, I'll just do it tomorrow because today, today I laughed and that's good enough for me. LIVE STRONG!!!
