The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really beginning to see how my past and my present are connected and must mesh together for me to be able to then sort it all out and start to heal.
I had a relatively peaceful day, cleaning out my "office" and sorting, organizing and shredding. Then I came across a coloring book that I have hung onto for years. It's big, and of Raggedy Ann and Andy. It's only partially colored, has no cover and is ripped in the back. I contemplated throwing it away but it has this incrdible hold on me. I decided to look through it. I remember being careful about coloring it because I didn't want to use it up. We did not have many material items and it was probably one of very few that belonged to just me. I saved the pages I thought were the best for last, so of course those are still uncolored. There is one page that was colored by my best friend. It was way better than the others with dark color and outline and had her name sprawled across the top as if to make sure there was no confusion as to who did it. Overall, it brings more sadness then joy. Why have I hung on to it all these years, and why can't I throw it away?
My parents both died. My dad when I was 7 and my mom when I was 11. When my mom died, our house was totally cleaned out by relatives. We were left a few items, but for the most part my whole life as I knew it disappeared. I must have had that coloring book with me.
I feel as if I need to throw that book away, but just can't do it. It seems crazy to be tortured by something so irrelevant, but I am. So, I am thinking maybe it would be therapeutic for me to get some colored pencils or new crayons and finish it. Yeah, in all my "spare time". Or, maybe right before bed. Is that wierd?
Okay, confessing that makes me feel like a nut-case but I will post anyhow. If anyone understands or has any insight I'd sure appreciate it.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
There are things that I have kept from my past that I know I could not bear to part with. To me there is nothing wrong with that.
This coloring book of yours may represent to you a time in your life when both of your parents were still living. I have things from both of my parents that are special to me since they have both passed away, and I keep them, silly as it may seem, because they remind me of my parents whom I miss very very much.
I don't think it seems wierd for you to finish the coloring book if that is what you want to do. It may in some way be theraputic for you, and help you to come to terms with a part of your life which I'm sure much have been very hard for you to deal with.
Leave it in the hands of your HP, and just go with your heart from there.
With Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I don't think I know the answers to your questions but I do understand your connection to the coloring book and I can picture a young girl holding on to this special coloring book when everything else is changing.
It makes me wonder why anyone holds onto anything. I have a few momentos from my youth too. Like a pencil holder from an aunt & uncle and scrap books, mercy from high school. I feel nutty about that too but each time I go through things, I can let more go. I allow myself one old suitcase full of stuff like that and it does bring comfort just knowing it is there and if I ever look at it..... usually when I am cleaning out a room too.
I don't think it is wierd if you want to finish coloring it if it brings you a happy connection or comfort of a time when all was well as a child. But if it "tortues" you as part of your memories of when everything in your world changed, then that might mean something else. Maybe just keeping it for now is ok - like Jerry often writes, if you are not sure, don't............ do anything right now.
raggedy ann hugs are a fond childhood memory - hold on to the good ones sort of like, think good thoughts (I'm writing that for me too as you'll see when I post - it's not easy but at least we keep at it!)
blessings & sweet dreams, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Personally, if an object has any bad memory connected to it, I dump it. If it can trigger a bad memory, out it goes. I am way to important to give up any energy to a material object that will not bring me pleasure.
I still have a coloring book that my grandpa gave me when I was 5. He picked it out himself. I have taken it out over the years and colored in it. Just to be close to that time in my life. Never let the kids color in it. It's MINE!!!! LOL!!
I also downloaded a few madanlas(?sp?) that are a grown up version of a coloring book. More sofiscated(?sp? LOL!) Coloring is very theraputic. If you feel like keeping the book, keep it. If you want to toss it, toss it. Give it to the kids to let them make new memories with it. I know it isn't the book itself, but what it represents. When you are ready to let it go you will.
I think coloring some more pages is a great idea. Another idea might be to write about it. "when I was coloring R. Ann's hair, I felt like..... I was reminded of...." - "when I think of throwing the coloring book away, I feel...."
I dunno why this works - even when I start with the exact same words I've had in my head, when I write it, something shifts.
Why torture yourself. I have a lot of sorting out to do because I live in a small space. I do it gradually. If I'm not ready to let go of something I am not about bashing my head in. You can be kind to yourself.
I colored and colored and colored and drew so many pictures to try to build a loving world of my own making in my imagination. To escape the pain of my reality. Coloring in a coloring book (as opposed to making drawings on paper) is a lot about control- staying in the lines, choosing the colors, completing all the spaces, etc. etc. Its a powerfully therapeutic process. There may be some kind of clue there for you, lou. Or a message for you today. Maybe that little girl is telling you something about your present. I do not know, just some thoughts. Nothing is an accident, in my opinion, you held on to that (and continue) to for a reason, one that may not be obvious right now but it will be some day. be patient. Hugs, J.
PS: you do not need to carelessly throw it away, either. You could burn it carefully with prayers. You could bury it or even send it off to sea- its biodegradable!!! You could write a letter in it to the little girl who colored it- you all those years ago and use it as a tool to let go of that past. You could use it as a gratitude tool- thanking the little girl and patting yourself on the back for growing as you have.
