The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really let myself down the other night... sort of... I had planned to attend my first f2f the other night and then chickened out...
Sort of a failure in that regard, but I chose to participate in an online meeting here instead... I knew I needed some ESH but I guess I just wasn't ready for it to be the f2f kind...
So I'm a little disappointed in myself... maybe part of the problem was in the planning of it... all week, kept telling myself... Friday night, I'm going...
And then Friday came, most of the day, kept telling myself, tonight is the night... but then an hour beforehand... lost my courage... I can't even pinpoint what exactly stole my courage from me in that last hour... I just know that at some point I started making excuses to myself about why I couldn't go (getting cleaned up to go out, not knowing what room it's in, etc.) and played the game with my head instead... this is a bad habit that I must learn to control...
Not sure why... f2f social stuff has always been hard for me, all my life... was supposed to go to a party last night, didn't go... maybe I'm just in a rut or something....
I guess the good news is that I have a list of meeting options for me... I know when and where, so I can't make the excuse of not knowing where the help is... it's just the part about getting my butt in the car and getting there...
Usually, the social anxiety I feel is a clear signal that I'm heading for or already in the midst of a depressive episode - something I've struggled with since I was a small child... Took me years to learn when to recognize one is coming on... Now that I can recognize it, it's about what I will do to keep from slipping down the slippery slope, how to keep myself from slipping further down...
Funny thing is... I really don't feel depressed per se... Since coming to this site, I actually feel stronger than I did say, 3 months ago... I feel hopeful about my ability to deal with my AH... I know I have options, I know I'm not alone, I know that I can and will make the right decisions for me... afterall, I came here didin't I?? and that's a step in the right direction, albeit a small step... but the size of the step isn't important - it's the step that matters....
What I'm looking for here today is some support... stories of encouragement about your first f2f meeting and how you worked up the courage to just do it... what key did you put into your ignition to get you there???
One thing that stands out in this program is... there are no shoulds in Al-anon. Second guessing all our decissions is part of my own disfunction...
When you are ready to go to a meeting you will. And it will be right time for you. There is no yard stick for what is right. And its no small step that you are here... this place and the people I have come to love here have changed my life. *smile*
So in my opinion... you are doing great, and you are right where you are. I like the F2F meetings as it is just different than being here. Next step is up to you and your HP to work out. Either way you go, we are here for you!
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 12:41, 2008-05-18
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
We are all usually nervous about our first f2f meeting. I know I was. When I got there is was like coming home. I had a 1 month old baby in arms and was ready for help.
RT is absolutely on the mark when he said when the time is right you will get there. You are right where you need to be right now. So don't beat yourself up. You are making the right steps forward in coming here and to the chat meetings. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Have you called any of the contact numbers for the meetings, yet? Sometimes it helps to talk to someone on the phone before you go. You may feel like you are not alone when you have someone to meet there. Just a suggestion.
You are doing fine.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I did a few "test runs" myself prior to walking into the meeting. Then I wouldn't even say my name (ha ha). You know what? It was all ok. No one said anything to me and no one pressured me. They just told me to keep coming.
Amazingly enough, afterwards I loved my meeting so much that one meeting a week wasn't enough, I needed one more mid-week to get me through. I almost always still do one meeting a week and two when I am not so exhausted.
"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."
love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I found people gave me space when I needed it, reached out to me when I needed it too. I am a big fan of face to face but you need to do what is right for you.
Just remember you miss 100% of the shots you don't take in life so when your ready give it a shot.
My first meeting, I wondered around the building with my 6 month old in her baby car seat. I finally found the meeting, it was small. Just 2 other women. I walked in, plunked the baby on the table and announced that I wanted to leave my husband. They said ok, how about you sit, we'll do a meeting and you can see what we're about.
Since that meeting, I have been lost in parking lots, trying to find the door to go in, I have sat down in church meetings accidently, I have asked total strangers on the street for directions to the "alanon meeting" (most times I got the "duh...what-a-non?" response).
And last night I went to my meeting, got there a bit late. HAve to walk thru the AA meeting to get to my meeting (BIG AA meeting). So, I go flip flopping thru as they are reading the steps. And I see that my meeting isn't there. The room is dark. I thought "darn it. must be the combine speakers meeting." So, I flip flop back into the AA room and find a spot in the corner. Mad because I do not want to go to a speakers meeting. And I sit there glancing around the room looking for my alanon friends and I see NONE of them. UGH! Now what? So,I start to get nervous as I don't think it is an open meeting when it's not speakers meeting. Now, they're gonna GET ME! LOL! I finally lean over to the guy next to me and ask if he knows where the alanon meeting is tonight. He says maybe back farther in hall. Off I flip flop into the back hall, up the stairs, into the chapel, pulling on locked doors, praying I didn't set off any alarms. I finally decide to check upstairs where we meet on Monday nights (obvious, I know!) and I flip flop back thru the AA meeting. Get upstairs and sit down in MY meeting.
I was nervous going to my first meeting, too - I have total social anxiety... backlashes from what I learned growing up with sober addict parents who really didn't work much of a "program" for quite a long time.
I always get very nervous meeting new people - afraid they're all going to sit there judging me "Oh, that girl is SCREWED up!" or "eww, what is she wearing?" ... just ridiculous stuff like that.
And, of course, I feel like hardly anyone's going to understand what it's like to walk in my shoes, thus they'll judge me.
But... I went. Sucked it up... went in, actually shared at the first meeting and everything... and I tell you, the warmth and understanding looks I get from everyone has completely changed my viewpoint on f2f meetings.
I love it here, but this message board, for me, is no replacement to the face to face interaction I get in my meetings. At those meetings I get to see real emotion in real faces and hear real emotion from real voices, and hey - I even get a few hugs, too! A lot of stuff I do NOT get from my AH... real emotions and hugs. And while I know everyone here is genuine and the feelings and love they type are just as real as what happens in f2f meetings, it's just not quite the same. It's like the difference between receiving a letter from your best friend whom you haven't seen in a while and actually running into her face to face at a coffee shop or something.
Remember to just take things one day at a time. I sincerely do hope you can find the "courage to change" in a way where you're willing to step out of your normal comfort zone and get to a face to face meeting... but that can all be on YOUR time.
Just know, the love and warmth you receive here is waiting for you at those meetings, too.
I have to go to low expectations when I build anything up I fail. So I keep it real low key. The issue is for many of us the first meetings are difficult. I never did find a ftf meeting I liked when I lived in one place that had lots of meetings. I had such huge expectations.
I am one of those that waited until I was an absolute total mess before I went back to a f2f meeting. It had been nearly 20 years since the first one I went to. I knew there was help there for "me" but for some reason I thought I could fix it all myself. I'm sure many others have been there too. After walking back into those doors again I found peace, I found I was not alone, I found that other people had the same kinds of fears and thoughts about themselves as I did. Gosh, I might even be normal and what a revelation that was.
If I had one thing to do over it would be going to meetings much earlier in my life instead of waiting until I got desperate to finally go. My life would have been so much better had I made the decision to go earlier.
These days I use the theory that in times when I feel like I just don't want to go is the one time that I really need to be there. That is when I let my HP take over and get myself out the door. Maybe I won't hear something that puts all of my fears to rest but on the other hand there just might be a chance that something that I will say will help someone else.
I started off with one meeting a week and soon realized I needed more. When I need a meeting I go to whatever kind of a meeting I can find, Al-Anon, Naranon, Open AA or Open NA meetings. It's all the twelve steps and as long as they let me in the door I figure my HP has me there for a reason.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I think... the coolest thing about F2F meetings is that you don't HAVE to speak if you don't want to, so that addresses one of the fears that many of us have.....
In my opinion, online meetings and sharing are a great "supplement", but there is no replacement for the honesty and reaiity of F2F stuff.... On here, we can "pretend" to be anything, or anyone we want to.... In person, that is a lot more difficult....
Going to F2F meetings is like many things, in that we build it up to be such a feared event, but in the end, for most people, they become a wonderful and helpful part of our recovery...
Hope you make it this Friday!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
