so sad - Al-Anon Family Group

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

so sad

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Jean, I am so very sorry to hear this. No matter the circumstances, divorce is always a sad thing IMO.

But, all that led you to this point isn't a waste! A divorce doesn't negate the past and all of the good that was there and the love that was shared. A divorce doesn't make all those years completly negative. It wasn't a waste of time or energy. It happened, there WAS love. The end is sad (aren't most endings?). And you are so right that this will pass. Believe me, the stages of grief are real and I had to go thru every single one of them more than once. A stinking process (is everything a process???). And then we come out the other side. Is easier, I think, when we have been to the other side and know it exists and have faith that we will get there again.

Priorities. My teeth are killing me and have been for awhile and I keep telling myself, the next bit of money I get I will SPLURGE and go to the DENTIST! Not get a manicure, not get some cute new shoes, not go get my hair colored, nope, go get a cavitiy filled. Man, where have my priorities gone to?LOL!

Just keep taking care of yourself, be extra kind to yourself. We're here for you!

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

Seren, I know you know. Thank you for your thoughtful and real words. I can count on you to keep it real and to inject a little humor which I really need right now! love you honey, J.

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((jean)))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through this - divorce is hard and sad and going through grief for the dream of what could have been.

This doesn't sound so much like self pity to me. It sounds like you are feeling your feelings and you know it will pass and you know what to do. And you are reaching out to be heard, understood and supported. These all seem like a healthy approach to life. Your MIP family IS here for you and I will add your financial concerns to my prayers too.

It's a triple pain with emotional, teeth hurting physical pain and all the mental for financing, job, att and dds. You are doing it Jean and inspire me how you face it all straight on and strong. You are stronger than you know and you always inspire me. Hang in there. Here comes the sun

.....soon!

hugs, ddub

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((jean)))))

A speaker tape that I listened to said that there is a beginning, middle, and end. She said that you can't get to the end without going thru the beginning and middle. She said that the end is the gift. She said that there will be pain but this too shall pass.

In support,
Nancy

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Jean))))))

When in doubt? __________

You can't rush HP. You can only rush after HP. Aloha ke Akua.

(((((hugs))))) smile

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes, not always I will be so sad, so down, so many things look wrong.. then one thing will happen, little or big, one thing and everything seems to turn around. One time it was as small as someone at a meeting looking at me and sincerely saying " You will be okay".

So today I am saying to you " You will be okay".

Love and prayers for you!!!
Glad

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((Jean))))))))))))),

I am so sorry you are hurting now. It probably won't help you to know that others have felt the same way you did.

Feel those feelings, friend. Get them out. Do you have a sponsor that you can share with? Can you get to more meetings when the kids are with their dad?

I highly recommend How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams, Harold H. Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove.

This book has helped me so many times as I grieve in life. It's a very easy read and the poems are so amazingly "right on" with the phase of the grief you are in. It's paperback and real cheap too.

love in recovery,
Maria

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Jean))))))

My divorce was final in March, after 26 yrs. of marriage. I relate to your sadness.

I have cried and cried and cried. I didn't think I could ever feel better. Actually, because Al-anon is so much a part of my life now, I had moments when I'd feel strong. But then, the feelings of overwhelming grief came over me and the tears would flow....again. I would cry out loud... like a baby. Then... being the codependent that I am, I worried if the neighborhood children could hear me

My divorce brought me to my knees. And I am convinced this is where HP wanted me. Now, I am completely dependent on HP. I have nowhere else to go. I have no choice but to trust my sponsor when she says, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future."

During the divorce process, I became committed to meditating. As an escape! I wanted to *BE* my spiritual self and be someplace else... anyplace else!!! How grateful I am.... The practice of meditation (and prayer) is what strengthened me. That's how I got through it. I would focus on my breath when I began to feel overwhelmed....during the nasty mediation process...during all the court appearances...etc.

I am recovering. It is gradually getting better. They say, when one door closes, a window will open. I am waiting. I am trusting.

I am with you ((((Jean)))) It will be okay.

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

Jean, I'd give you a big old Kansas hug in person if I could!

Divorce is a grieving process, and I don't care how long it's been since things weren't good.

My AH and I had been separated for over four years when I finally found an attorney I could afford. It still hurt.

I am grateful for everything I went through in that marriage because it helped to shape who I am today, and is my experience I can share with others.

This too shall pass. Just be gentle with yourself! smile

round3 · Senior Member

(((((Jean))))))) My heart is hurting for ya. Those feelings you describe are palpable. But you feel them until you don't feel them anymore. There's no hurrying things. Talk to your HP about it. I SO agree with Seren that your marriage wasn't a waste. Love (no matter the ending) is NEVER a waste. You've certainly got some good memories that you can tuck away for yourself. To everything there is a season. This season may be coming to a close - but a new season awaits you. Take the good with you and leave behind the pain. Sending lots of hugs your way.

Peace,
R3

ps: damn teeth. I'm in the same boat.

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Jean)))

I am reading your responses with an open heart, as if they are for me too. I am right there in the trenches with you, my friend. It hurts. I am actually amazed that 50% of married couples go through divorce and live to tell about it. Add components such as aism/addicition, affairs, abuse ... and well, the pain seems intolerable at times.

We need to believe all those who've gone before us that say it will get better. My kids' counselor shared with me that going through his divorce made up the worst and best years of his life. In the process he developed a true relationship with himself and what makes him happy, and for that he is grateful. He, too, promises it can only get better.

It is awful that money plays such a significant role in all of it. I've learned from experience that stalling the dentist results in more problems and more money. I hope you can make that a priority for you. My tax return will be going toward my kids getting teeth pulled ( 1 for daughter and 4 wisdom for son) as well as braces for my son and check-ups for all. A bit disappointing in that this is the first time we actually are getting money back and we can't truly "enjoy" it, but then again, it really will be purchasing some things that will last a lifetime and I need to see the good fortune in that.

Hang in there, Jean. Yes, your HP will take care of you.

Blessings,
Lou

-- Edited by Loupiness at 22:11, 2008-05-18

cookie1971 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Jean)))))

So sorry you are not feeling well.

No matter what the circumstances, divorce is a very hard thing. It's the end of all your hopes and dreams. It hurts to see them end, for some it's like experiencing a death in your life. I'll be keeping you in prayer that your HP will see you through this. Trust in him he will show you the way.

Always know you are much loved here and when you are going through something hard like this we can all feel your pain, and are hurting for you.

With Love,

Claudia

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

I love MIP! I am feeling OK, time marches on...thank you all for your posts and pm's. There is such an incredible wealth of love and compassion and knowledge here. So much wisdom. When we all chime in, certainly it seems like the voice of god him/herself is speaking though this board! WOW! I will survive and so many have before me.

Some of us can figure out how to stay with our A's and some of us just cannot. Mine had a lot of mental illness issues and was abusive. I no longer blame him, he has many diseases but I was also not safe living with him. I needed to make the decision to go. It is not the right choice for many but for some of us, we have to do it.

I just looked through a little wedding album from my wedding that I found at my sisters house. I did not cry when I came upon it. I did not cry. I just felt sad and it felt like it was a long long time ago and that woman was a different person in a way. And she was. She looked so happy, it was true but I know myself so much better now. I have al anon now. I am richer now (not financially!) than I was then. I am beginning to find the blessing, as I gain some distance.

Thank you for helping me to recover. Hugs, J.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((Jean)))))))),

It's okay to feel sad for a relationship that once was. It's not different than having a loved one pass. So go ahead and mourn it. It's cathartic. It's healthy. That's how we move on. I know that feeling of being so overwhelmed. There have been days when I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. There are times I have done so. Lots of dentists will take payments. So take care of those teeth. Bit by bit the debt dwindles down. Taking care of you is the most important thing. Be extra good to yourself. It doesn't take money. It just takes lots of self love (not an easy thing for us codys). The more you practice it, the easier it gets. I'll say an extra prayer for you. Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jean keep us posted through the whole thing. No matter how silly or stupid, just write in. Even if it's "So I went to court to day to establish that this was a matter that I would have to go to court over...."
I'd hate to see you go through this alone.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have certainly been there. With my sponsor I've been working on the unmanageable stuff just step 1, 2,3 all the time. I've been there for a year, lately things have started to lighten. For me it was about really keeping it one day at a time.

I am still really in a lot of problems financially, healthwise, dentalwise, vision wise, location wise. I work on it daily. What can I do? How can I break that down. I keep my expectations really low. I look for ways to brighten up the moment, its called improve the moment. I try to stay in the grateful, living with the A, helping him became absolute total hell.

Then I left the A and really for a year my life has been very very very difficult, no resources, very little emotional space, no support, left on my own, scraping by barely surviving. I have also been ill.

Times are tough. Who said this was going to easy?

Nevertheless as times goes on, I feel newer and better ways to detach. I also find myself less mired in the grief. Every day used to be bogged down with if only, how could he? how could I? Now I think of the A less often precisely because I've worked so hard on detaching from him.

There are the awful pits when you decide its over but I can assure you that does not go on for ever.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.