The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is true, my ah is an a. I never wanted to admit it. for 20 years he has never really showed Huge signs of this disease. (maybe i didn't want to see them) They are coming out full force now, (his choice) I am understanding (i think) the progression of Aism, And where he is taking himself. As i am reading the books and pamphlets, I am using a highlighter to mark things that relate to me and my situation, I was blown away, i cannot stop marking each parageraph and page, it just doesn't stop. It is true, now i understand i really need to take care of myself and my son, this disease is not going to stop.
he hasn't talked to me in 2 days as he went to my therapist with me, (He wanted to tell her i needed more medication, because i was out of control), I vented quite heavily about the changes in the last 10 months, she suggested we need marriage counseling right away, she said we were acting like enemies, all he kept saying to her was that if i had more medication everything will be alright. (he was not happy) so no talking for 2 days then we had 3 people over last night, i sat and prayed to my hp to let me understand and breathe through this dinner, and let me try and enjoy myself. I seen things i never noticed before. The more drunker ah got, the more he actually spoke to me and wanted to be friendly then after the friends left, (we had a bonfire) he tried to sit next to me and kept asking me in is drunk way did i have a good time? I said sure, i love being with soso. Then he said its been a real good day hasn't it, and i said well, you have been sort of shitty the last couple of days, and you have a right to be, after seeing miss m (therapy). then he moved to the tail gate and really didn't say much after that. I opened the can again, he didn't like it. He was waiting for me to begrudge him and nag him about his drinking and i did nothing of the sort, I had a goodtime i could care less. He went in and i stayed out there by myself for a while and it felt good to be by the fire and be calm, thanking everyone and thing in my life. I think i have taken a small step, i felt something in myself last night being alone, asking hp and realizing the full affect of this disease. I actualy took a breath last night.
I am so happy you found this program!! I am so happy I did too.
I share the following with you because one of the biggest blessings for me was to know there were people out there who were similar to me. Prior to alanon I really felt like a freak of nature and didn't know what was wrong with me. So If I seem to go on... it's to let you know your not alone!
I totally relate to the silent treatment and then him saying it's a "good day" and if I try to revisit, clear up, or get any clarification or resolve the issue that caused the silent treatment- wham he withdraws again.
I know this is the A's inabililty to communicate and deal with feelings and my need to "fix" everything... so I know there are issues on both sides. I know I've found a program that can help me find peace.
I found so many answers, so much direction in alanon.
I really thought I was crazy. My therapist was very little help, no matter how he tried and seemed to care.
Until I realized I was powerless over alcohol I felt this horrible almost manic desperation to "figure it out" fix it. Help (control). - not just in regard to alcohol but in so many things. Being with an A was just a way I found to twist and turn and try to "fix" someone who needed my help... so I would be successful at making it all better... and therefore loveable and valuable! yuk!!
I still act this way sometimes... but it is less often, and sometimes I catch myself and laugh, I have more peace, more laughterl, more joy..
Ohhhhh... just while typing this post I remembered praying and asking God for just a little more peace, just a little less pain.. shortly before attending my first alanon meeting. I had not remembered that prayer until this moment. He answers, I am just usually so busy trying to fix whatever it is I prayed about that I don't notice... LOL Have a wonderful day!
Thank you Higher Power for helping me find alanon and for the changes you are making in me... and the hope I see you giving others.
I played the supersonic anger with the A for 7 years, he got something out of it. I was still hoping he'd change. I took an incredibly long time to do the first step and accept responsiblity for myself. Now I am really hell bent on being independent. I went from dependent to independent with this program.
