The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was in denial, the rules kept changing based on whether AH was drunk or not. Trying to keep everything going smoothly was impossible because the rules changed. At the time, I had negative thoughts that I wasn't trying hard enough, I was just not smart enough or I always messed things up. The ups & downs really affected my moods and energy.
Now as I look at my relationships with my childhood, my kids and my AH, again I find the ups and downs really affect my moods and energy. During recovery at first I guess, this is to be expected but the realization that I don't really want to go back to denial and I sure don't want to stay where I am at is frustrating and can be a bleak existance. The only way to find some peace of mind, serenity perhaps that I've never known, is to go through it one step at a time............ but it is a slow process and takes so much time.
I also notice or feel the difference of a transition that doesn't seem supported in everyday life unless you are one way or the other. If you are in between, it seems like no mans land. Many of us thrived on the drama and recieved lots of support with comisseration or advice - so then you try to learn how to find the joy in the everyday chaos but there is more faking until you make it and it's easier to isolate to lick our wounds, new self care applied but little attention/support. Eventually, I hope one can become more positive, more secure in rejoicing in spite of or during the chaos - one of those up beat and positive folks that all enjoy to be around so there is less isolation and plenty of attention/support. Reminds me of the example of a love/attention bank where deposits and withdrawals are made but can easily be overdrawn.
I keep trying to find reasons to find joy everyday and rejoice so I am just rambling away......... below is something I am going to read and re read as I keep at it, maybe it will be useful to someone else too.
g'nite, ddub
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rejoice always: It is easy to slip into a dark, pessimistic, doubting, and cynical spirit. This is especially true when suffering from the depression that so often afflicts us either because of physical ormental illness. Look around for reasons to sense and appreciate HP's presence. It can be the love of family, the movements of nature, or anything else that reveals HP's work in the world. Try to find ways to rejoice, even if is difficult and you see no joy in life. Rejoicing increases HP's presence.
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I think that it is the adage of having the outside match the insides. For me it is to truly detach and not go on that journey every time that the AHsober in my life makes his alcoholic move. And why should I go on his ride? I copied the quote. Yes, I too would like to be that positive person from the inside out.
