The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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New to AlAnon....have only been to 2 f2f mtgs....but have called the lady I met several times in charge of the meeting whose # was given to me upon calling from the phonebook. I feel like I have called her too much. At the last mtg I apologized and she told me that I had only called her twice that week. She is very kind, wise, and trustworthy and I just don't want to overkill, but it is difficult when she helps me delve into aspects of this whole thing I don't understand. My ? is: How often do you guys who have a sponsor talk with them and is it appropriate to have an online sponsor and a f2f sponsor? I just feel like an online sponsor could help take the load off of her..... How do you get an online sponsor if that's appropriate? I am coming out of denial here and trying to set boundaries and I just sometimes need some basic guidance. Today, though, I needed a little more as I found my mind running in circles. I was even told today that I can't set boundaries when I don't know what I want. She told me to call her back if I needed to, but I don't want to become a pest so to speak. Oh, this too shall pass, I am telling myself, but it is difficult. So much to learn. Anyway, appreciate someone explaining to me the guidelines for sponsor contact. Thanks!
I think her answer to your apology tells you you're not calling too often for HER.
I use this forum and recovery chatrooms as adjunct "get input and ESH" sources, or when my sponsor is not available. Especially if it's an "I don't get this" thing, rather than a crisis thing.
But really, calling is good practice for me - reaching out for help, instead of trying to do it all my myself, is, I believe, a part of my recovery.
I don't know but have had the same concerns as you. I am fairly new to alanon and have been putting off a getting a sponsor and working the steps too long.
I know how you feel and I know that those who sponsor seem to want us to call as they say it helps them grow to help others.
Hope you find your answers from those with more time in the program than me.
For me when I get a sponsor I believe I will try to journal, think, go online etc. To work on some things, I will keep a list of my questions and maybe talk to her a couple of times a week or so?? But who knows what I will really do as it will depend on if she is sponsoring serveral others, if she works outside her home etc. ie how much spare time she has.. I will most likely try to respect what time of day will be best for her etc. Now all this is assuming I'm not "in crisis" then who knows how many times or in what way I will call. Most of all I think it will be something discuss with the sponsor - asking just as you have on here at the beginning of our relationship. Hopefully she will say what she means and mean what she says and be clear about what works for her. If not I may have chosen poorly for a sponsor??
The great news these days is the internet. There are lots and lots of recovery chat rooms. There are whole groups who do the steps online. That can be fantastic. There is even a group here who do the steps, although it isnt' that active. For some of us it is indeed an intense exercise. I think its wonderful that you are aware of the overkill aspect. I killed so many relationships with overkill I really did no wonder I fit in with the A.
I have an online sponsors and I talk to her at least once a week. Some people have relationships with a sponsor where they talk every single day for an hour. That must be one committed person. I tried to have that one time, a long time ago but connecting was a source of too much frustration for me. I think its appropriate to be looking at what do I need and how do I get it? Moreover its approopriate to look for more than one source to fill it. You can have a sponsor kind of a relationship with more than one person. This room and posting has filled a tremendous need for me. I am sure you will find a way to approach this but sometimes it means experimenting.
I think it is definately ok to have more than one sponsor. I have an online sponsor because mine is a small town with a very small Al-Anon group. My sponsor lives near, but not near enough to get together much. I hope to get with her pyhysically to do 4th and 5th step work in the next month or so.
How often you talk to or email your sponsor is really something you will work out with them when you start.
Try not to be too hard on yourself and give those you rely on the dignity to say when you have reached a point of too much contact. Remember that early in recovery most of us felt that WE were not worth someone elses time. My selfworth was really low, so I always felt guilty for calling and taking up someones time. Now I realise that I am worthy of their time and I also know that it is a wonderful experience to help walk someone new into this program to get started on a solid recovery.
Tyr to go easy and be gentle with yourself. I know I was really needy when I began this journey, but now I know I will pay it forward in a big way thanks to the one who was there for me in the beginning.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
It all depends on who you choose to ask to be your sponsor. Everyone has different sponsoring methods.
When I got my sponsor, she asked me to call her every day except weekends for the first 30 days. And she left me explicit instructions to not just call her on our scheduled times, either - if my butt was on fire, I was to call her, so there were a couple of times where I took that big leap and called her on an off-schedule time or on the weekend if I was having a difficult time.
I think part of our problem as Al-Anoners is that we always feel we need to fix everything ourselves and that we don't reach out often enough for help. Always deciding that we must be annoying others or burdening them with our problems.
My sponsor has thanked me a couple of times for calling her off-schedule, as she was getting into a funk herself and my un-scheduled phone call put the breaks on her own little funk. So while we may be reaching out for help, we may at the same time actually be helping someone else.
I'm now down to one or two phone calls a week with my sponsor, but I'm actually starting to think she thinks I'm not calling her often enough, even though we changed the schedule to a once-a-week thing.
She reminded me during my scheduled phone call yesterday that I could have called her on Tuesday after the court thing when I was feeling frustrated.
Sooo... live and learn. But to me, sponsors are people who you share everything with and you open up to and they guide you in working the steps and help you to see things more clearly if you find yourself in a crisis.
I call my sponsor once a week on Sunday unless I see her at a meeting (I live out of town). I always ask her if she can talk. She always says yes. Sometimes she calls me when she has something to air. We usually just go back and forth about our lives. What we go thru rings a bell with each other. Occasionally she gives advice. When we get into a sponsor relationship we both accept the responsibility of that obligation. If she didn't have time she would have told you. So welcome to recovery!
