The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I initially looked forward to posting about what I great day I had. I got off work early, stopped to make an appt for a haircut and was able to get one immediately, and then bought an outfit for a event I am going to this weekend. I even got a local discount, and my pants are being hemmed for free. While shopping, I got a call about getting a couple more hours of work in so I did that. All good. Then....
my kids came home and I turned into a raving lunatic. My older two fight constantly. They are carrying much anger and pain, and admittedly I am too. The older one is not doing well in school, and the biggest problem I have with it is that he accepts little to no responsiblity in the whole thing. The kid is sharp and his poor grades (in some classes) come strictly from not studying and buckling down and turning in assignments and doing the work.
I was more than happy to send them off to thier dad's tonight and they knew it. Of course, dad had plans to take the kids swimming. Though I shouldn't control it, my son needs to study so I let my AH know. He wanted me to write down what my son had to do. Uhh, that is son's job.
Daughter calls bawling at 10:00. She is roasting (we have a heat wave going) and can't sleep because the a/c in dad's apt. doesn't work. Oh, and he isn't there. He apparently ran to the office to check is schedule for tomorrow and something about paperwork. I tell her I will come and get her but she insists on waiting for her dad, and begs me not to call him. She is afraid he will get mad. I honor her wishes and shortly after that he brought her home.
Something about the whole thing didn't sit right with me. Admittedly, I have been so caught up in the g/f thing the past yr and a half that drugs and alchohol have taken a back seat. Because it's presence in my life was always covert, I didn't know I lived in active addiction. Also, my AH is in a heavy intervention program where he goes to 1 or 2 recovery activities every day and gets randomly tested. I have breathed a bit easier but sometimes I think I am just fooling myself.
He just looks wierd, especially with the little triangulaur "beard" in his cleft that he must thinks looks good. It just looks creepy to me. He has really transformed from the blonde all-american boy he was just a few years ago. Is it aging, is it addiction, is it depression....I'll never know.
No real point of this post other than to dump it out of my mind so I can sleep. I hope!
Goodninght, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 10:01, 2008-05-15
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
This sounds like how things have been for me and the only things I could do were ... 1 step it up a notch and be ultra involved in what the kids are supposed to be doing at school and 2 accept that if oldest bright one wants to be lazy and not do the work that she will have to face her own consequences in repeating the grade next year. Nothing is ever her fault and she is completely unmotivated to do anything but talk to her friends. She has been told several times how important the next few weeks are to her passing on to high school next year and it is all on her now. So do all you can do and let the chips fall where they may. After all, it's not the end of the world right? I'm so glad I don't have to have anything to do with my A anymore. Eventually his repeated disappointments of the children will catch up to him, sounds like they're already starting to. Daughter will become tired of worrying about making dad mad soon. Mine want's nothing to do with my EX - A. He was the only dad she really knew. Sooo take a deep breath, think tomorrow is a new day and focus on all that good stuff that has been coming to you. Let the bad stuff lie where it belongs with him!
Sounds like the "fog" is lifting. You are seeing what is right there in front of you and you are not even attracted to it anymore. Once the denile has lifted we can't wrap ourselves back up in it without dire consequences. Can't unhatch the egg.
It is sad, and frustrating and inspiring and powerful. I always wanted to believe what ex said. He said it well and it was what I wanted to hear. But alanon taught me to watch his actions. If he was sitting in front of me with a crack pipe in his hand, chances are, he had been smoking crack. No matter that his excuse was he was holding it for a friend and totally sober himself. If his lips are moving he is lying. I always thought that sounded harsh but, it was for me not against him. I needed to educate myself and protect my kids. Reality bites. But it doesn't hurt as much as having to drag myself out of my denile over and over and over again. There is my hope. I NEVER have to do this stuff again. Not unless I CHOOSE to.
You're getting thru this. Your kids are adjusting. It's not clean and painless but it is real. You do not have to escape by using! What a blessing that you can live life on life's terms!!!
LOL Lou, I just saw my AH recently (to tell him I was divorcing him) and he had the weird little facial hair thing going too! Like what is up with that soul patch thing??!!! LOL!! I think he thinks he looks cool/younger. I think it looks like he is trying to look cool/younger. Creepy, indeed. I felt no attraction or interest in him whatsoever.
