The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In a case where one has "given their power away" by letting someone push your buttons "big time" and when one realizes it way too late. Like 2 years later or so, what to do? Contacting the person to "take your power back" would seem like just giving them more power. Silly So do you just work on forgetting how much you let them "get to you". This is a case where I have no real idea what the persons motives were or really care at this point but sometimes I think of the way I overreacted (before alanon) and just want to kick myself, then sometimes I want to kick the other person??
So is there an "alanon" way to totally just never think of this again?
Well I don't know the specifics so its hard to answer. Sometimes its a case of live and let live. I certainly never let myself live before. Before I got to al anon and even when I was in al anon I was so in re-activity that I couldnt' step out of it. I can go there still but I take a step back and talk about it and work on it.
I think the way to get back your power is to make changes for the present and future, don't worry too much about the past.
If something from the past is still eating you, I'm wondering if you have shared it adequately in meetings? For me, that was a big big part of letting go things that I could no longer do anything about - talking about them out loud to real human beings. Thinking about it, journalling, writing about it here - all of these can be useful but just didn't have what I needed to let go of the big stuff. There is something about speaking the truth out loud that does our souls a lot of good. I often found that once I'd shared something that had had a grip on me for some time, the next time I thought about it, I had a different perspective. Those thoughts that seem so right and true in our own heads get a jolt when exposed to air, and I often realized that I had been looking at the situation from a skewed perspective. It really helped me see my part in things, forgive myself, and move on.
My been there done that changed with some of this stuff. Button Pushing... do you know what wire snips are? Those tools mostly hand size that you cut electrical wires with...well imagine that you locate the button that is being pushed and you reach behind it and snip both of the wires completely free from the button. Now push the button...nothing happends!! TA DA!!
Another one for me was awareness and acceptance and it came about this way. "Oh my God she's been getting at me with my help and permission and I've been driving myself crazy all over the place." "Alcoholic wife I'm sorry I've played that crazy game too long. I'm not playing it anymore. Let's do some- thing else." That's a face to face admission of guilt and amends. There is no blame in it.
Taking my power back. When I decided how things were going to go for me and took responsibility for following up on it and earning the consequences I wanted...I had my power back. I found out also that I never really lost it I just wasn't using it; instead I was allowing myself to be a victim to another person's power while at the same time decreasing my self esteem.
Today I believe that you have all the power necessary to direct and control your life and the consequences of your choices and values. I believe that now it's your turn to believe it.
Glad, like anything else we learn thru meetings,literature, chat etc. , we grow and change.
Most all of us got pulled in and lost our power to someone.
But we mature and learn to love ourselves too much to allow that to happen anymore.
Many of us had no idea how when we react to negative stuff that they control us or take our power.
We thought we were being strong getting back at them.
So in saying that, now that you see it, own it, hey you go girl, is what I want to say now.lol
You are strong, realize things, willing to grow and not allow anyone to control how you respond anymore.
So I invite you to let the past go and celebrate the fact that you now know to never allow that to happen again.
good for you for seeing this!!
Again if I were you I would write it out in a letter to them what you have learned and how you have changed. Tell them how you would react now,whatever you want.then tuck it away somewhere.
Glad, I just got back from my Tue. night Al-Anon meeting. We discussed living in today. We discussed worrying, and dwelling on problems that had occured in our pass, only takes away our serenity. We discussed how much it helps to say the Serenity Prayer to ourselves, when our thoughts go back to those situations. I thought to myself at the time, that I know I leave the Serenity Prayer on the shelf to many times in the situations when I should use it. We all make mistakes, and as I learned in Al-Alon, we are allowed to make mistakes. You are beating yourself up, and do not need to. As Jerry stated above just "Snip The Wires". RLC
The past is called the "past" because it is behind us. Bringing it in to the now has no proper place. The only thing we REALLY have is right now. We can't change the past and we can't foresee the future. So we may as well just live right where we are.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Never, under any circumstances try to hold water that has gone over the wheel.
Keeping in mind that I'm here to learn (slowly, I realize) how to maintain serenity in my life, going back to the past to dig up old wounds with the sole purpose of figuring out how someone wronged me in some way only accomplishes screwing up my serenity.
I think, if I thought back to the past and recognized a person who I never see any more who I used to give my power away to, that instead of approaching it in the way of "Oh, how do I let them know they can't do that to me anymore!" I would instead try to clean the fog of time off that looking glass and try to recognize my part in it and how I allowed it to happen in the first place.
If anyone needs an affirmation of sorts that that will never happen again, I think it would only be me who needs to hear it. After all I am the one with the power to give my power away to another person. NO ONE ELSE.
Approaching a person you've not been in contact with for a couple years to tell them "Oh! You have no power over me!" is really only your picking a fight.
My ex did that to me one time a couple years ago. I'd split with him and then one day maybe two or three years after the split, out of the blue, I got this email from him telling me he'd destroyed all the little things around the house that were remnants of our relationship and he said exactly: "YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!"
Really, it blew me away, because I really hadn't been thinking about him for quite some time. But I recognized the email as being something meant to be inflammatory.
Thankfully, I was VERY done with the ex by then that I really was like "okay, dude - you got it. You're right. I have no power over you." I did NOT respond to his email at all - I'm sure part of him was wanting a response to take up the fight anew. But my responding to that email would have been both my pushing his buttons AND my giving my power over myself away to him.
With most disagreements out there, I have to remind myself "It takes two to tango". It's not just ALL on the one person - I have a very intricate part I played myself, and if I still have resentments over a disagreement from way back when, it means that some way, some part of me felt or feels threatened, still, which also means I have some insecurities I need to cope with.
God grant me the ability to only dig up the past if I'm willing to see the part I played in it. If I am not capable of this, let me release it immediately and think of it no more.
There is no better "revenge", and ultimately claiming back this power, than by living your life - happily and content. I don't think we can "announce" such a thing, we simply have to model it, and show it in all our affairs....
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
