The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My issues I feel I can't control but think maybe I should find a way to are??
It's not my cat. I don't really like or dislike her. The cat pan is always full of poop, I have to empty it. It makes the house stink! The cat has kittens like a million times a year, babies stay in our bedroom and make it stink!! If I want this to stop I'll have to pay to have her fixed, take her to vet myself etc. He talks about it but that's as far as it goes. If I randomly just get rid of Cat (oh you have no idea how much I like that idea) due to the smell not due to no liking her, she's a good kitty... that will really seem cruel- I would have to lie and say she ran away..and (after a long period of morning-he loves the little pooper, he would probably just get another one). I don't hate her I hate being forced to clean up after her!!!!
He acts like he has good intentions about alot of things but only if they are easy or I pay for them. Often wants to "take me on trips" when I am the only one with extra income that week. He ALWAYS goes dirt bike racing regardless if he has a $1200 dollar week at work or a $500 week (yes it is that different some weeks). He never plans or budgets or thinks about the future.
Going dirt bike racing cost him/ us between $200 and $300 or often more per weekend - Then all is money is gone and no bills have been paid or anything. He kept racing and ignored his truck payment when he has less profitable weeks to the extent he had to sell his dirt bike to make up late payments or it would be repoed, He "borrowed" a dirt bike from a buddy and told him he could pay him in a couple of weeks. Kept racing with no definate plan or schedule to pay for bike, just good intentions--- now it's time to pay for bike and he has no money. So he's depressed and and avoiding buddies calls. Then finally does take buddies calls (a huge improvement for him as in similar situations I've seen him avoid the situation all together). Tells the friend he needs two more weeks but when I asked he still doesn't have a plan. Meanwhile he works every hour he can but has no plan- just hoping for the best.
ON Mother's day... He said he wanted to rent bicycles and ride in park (made me incredibly happy he was gonna do something for me and actually pay for it even, it was only like $75 dollars but still really nice to think he was doing it on his own with his money) We were supposed to be ready to ride when I got back from lunch with family.
He said he was gonna go by horse track for a few minutes on way to pick up bikes. I didn't argue. When he called me from horse track (which was nice of him, he does always behave in a way that let's me know he not 'cheating' etc.) he asked if I knew pin to his debit card (THANK you hp I did not know it, so I didn't have to lie) but bottom line he had spent all his cash and the other money needs to stay in bank or he will be at zero and I'll be giving him spending money due to our bike ride ( HELLO...this is just like me paying for bike ride)... So I asked him to skip the bike rental we had no ugly words - yet I could tell he felt kinda like hey I only spent a small ammount (doesn't matter if it's only a small ammount to me if it's all your disposable income it's all your disposable income)!
So he goes home (then goes by bank and withdraws a little money to pay boy to mow yard and takes a nap, because he is depressed). We just spent $125 to get lawnmover fixed last week! He could have mowed yard himself but he was too "depressed".
I enjoyed the evening with my daughters, he was around and did act nice (while he drank his beer). Mostly he sat on his butt and watched TV but hey we were in kitchen talking girl talk so no blame there at all! he really did his best at this point!
Anyway am I codependant, back and forth, getting better or lost in tryin to control things I can't or ALL OF THE ABOVE?????
Ya, the responsibility & planning thing seems too complicated for them sometimes. Even when sober, I might add.
You have control over what you do with your money. If he gets to zero - which is his choice - you do not "have to" give him spending money. "But I need money for gas!!!" - "Gee sorry honey, there's none left over this week after paying the bills."
And if money isn't separated yet - I would strongly suggest taking some steps in that direction.
You have control over whether or not you make his decisions for him. Let him be the one to say "I can't afford the bike ride after all". That's his stuff. And if he doesn't say it, very nice, you get to go on a bike ride. You do NOT then have to lend (give) him money because he spent all of his - see above.
Are you getting to meetings & reading one (or more) of the daily readers?
Hang in there - you are getting better awareness all the time, & that's part of the beginning of the process.
i got caught up a lot with the exA on holidays. What a relief it is to no longer be dependent on whether he "gives" to me or not.
I think its up to all of us how we take care of things. I had to eventually take over care for all the animals. He did not take care of them. I was left with all of them. He totally deserted them, like your husband he claimed to have great love for them.
I also had to separate out all my financial dealings with the A. Over time he got much worse on that account.
There is no happy ending with an active alcoholic there is just more detachment, more separating out things that you can control (and they dont' usually allow that much leeway) and more finding your own happiness.
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else. To "let go" is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another. To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To "let go" is not to to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself. To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about. To "let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To "let go" is not to judge but to allow another to be a human being. To "let go" is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies. To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept. To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it. To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To "let go" is to fear less and love more.
