The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Life keeps piling on me,it seems. Just got a call that my 88 year old Dad, newly widowed eight weeks ago, was taken to hospital this morning with weakness and vomiting. Now I sit waiting and worried about that. He is 1000 miles away and as it was with my mother, I am not nearby to provide anything to him. 30 minutes prior to that call, got e-mail from EXDIL that she was closing the house at end of month and would be moving "5 miles and 10 minutes up the road". So much for moving here to be close to grandbaby, but this is probably best. Now we won't have to be so up close and personal anymore...I am sure that will be best for her. I will just not be conveniently located for the grandboy and I miss him already, just knowing he was right here. Haven't seen him anyway since last Wednesday, so perhaps it doesn't really matter. It is just HEY....couldn't just ONE day go by with some news to keep me upset. And yes, I realize it all lies in my reaction to it all. I am TRYING!!! But the efforts required to keep my heart from pounding out of my chest and to keep my stress levels manageable are monumental right now.
Please add a little prayer for my Dad that this is just something simple. Thank you.
I wish my mom or mother in law lived 10 mins away! More like 10 hours on a plane! She doesn't know what she has! Anyway, I hope all is well with your dad. Be glad she's not moving far away with baby! Really, what's 10 mins?
One of my issues is to try to be perfect. With the A I tried to be the perfect girlfriend in order to compensate for him being out of control. Trying to control him was of course fruitless and I set myself up day and night.
I'm not sure what a "perfect" grandmother would look like. But here in Al anon you have a lot of permission to be imperfect. You don't have to make it all "right" for your grandson. You have done incredible "heroic" things to compensate for the fact that he has two dysfunctional parents but trying to control his entire environment is a big big task. When my younger sister had a son who I felt probably had some degree of illness because of the alcohol consumed by my sister, I felt compelled to do things to make it better for him. If no one else understood how he came to be, I would. Of course I could not by any means compensate for my sister's denial, continued alcohol use of the fact that he was ill because of it. I felt "control" was better than admitting the truth.
I know for me when I start with my "limitations" I can work out. When I am aware of my limits I know what I have to give. Before it worked the other way I was only aware that I "should" give and give and give and then become aware of my limitations. These days I am far clearer on what I can and can't do and while I don't feel as "powerful" as I once did I certainly feel less out of control.
The "How important is this" tool is so crucial for me. Every day was a catastrophe for me, now everyday is a challenge, a great great challenge but it is not insurmountable as it once was.
My posts usually go over everyone's head because I never reveal the detailed truth of what is actually happening......I hint at little things that aren't right for me, but come across as a whiner, loser, drama queen.
In reality, the truth of everything is just too complicated and convoluted I don't feel as if anyone could possibly understand or be interested. The truth about me is that I am a person who has always been a "fixer", a door mat to everyone else. I am too old to change and haven't the inclination or motivation to do so, I guess. Just when I am sort of catching a glimpse of the How TO DO IT according to Al-Anon, the other side of my brain kicks in and oops, there I go again......goofing everything up even worse and never digging myself out of the holes I am in. But I used to be a happy, productive person. That all changed in 2005. I don't know if the old me will ever return. She is lost somewhere and I can't seem to find even a small piece of me that I used to know. And the new persona who emerged isn't one I like at all...not one little bit. In the "how important is this"....well must be pretty important for me to keep dwelling on this stuff. I need somehow to forget everyone else and concentrate on me...be selfish.
i dont' think you come across as a whiner, loser, drama queen at all. You are in a double bind. Naming the double bind helps. I sometimes feel quite "cold" about having boundaries but being boundaryless was much much worse. I choose pretty carefully these days who I will "do" for. I don't advertise that but I don't chide myself on it either. Sometimes we veer off a bit in becoming boundaried but it is better than feeling chronically out of control.
So sad your daddy is not feeling well. You probably know people who lose spouces no matter what age, have a very hard time.
I am glad he is getting care,not sitting alone and sick. Lotsa men refuse to get help.
Hon you know i relate to the g kids thing.It hurts terribly. What seems to help a lot of people is to dive into their own passion.
What are you into? You are always giving to and being concerned about others. I wonder what YOU are about? Do you sew, garden or just plant a flower or two?
Crochet? sing? like to clean? I know you don't feel that well either. Just lost your mom, this is always major stuff.
Well you know what I do....Maybe you need a pet pig in your house to laugh at. They are so much fun.My adoptive mom had so much added to her life when she and dad adopted their girl, Twinkletoes.
Well prayers and hugs and please let us know. love,debilyn
Oma, hon - time to take a step back! Hit rewind! What's that crazy first step again? "That we are powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
A LOT of times, I like to replace the word "alcohol" with the word "others" in that first step" "Admitted we were powerless over others and that our lives had become unmanageable."
I recognize when my life is becoming unmanageable when it suddenly feels like I'm under a sledgehammer of traumatic events and it keeps hitting me and hitting me and I feel like there's no way out, and the more I try to make sure everything's okay, the worse it gets.
This is when I suddenly remember my HP is there and I cry "UNCLE!!!" to my HP and say - "you know what? I GIVE UP! I just don't know what to do!!! I'm miserable and I'm clueless - please! I need your help! Show me what to do! Take it - I trust you!"
And you know what, this INCLUDES working the Al-Anon program, too! If you read my posts from a couple weeks back, you'll see that I was smack dab in the middle of attending a huge AA/Al-Anon convention and my serenity just splintered apart into a million pieces despiteall the powerful knowledge and messages I was receiving during the convention.
Life is not perfection. Al-Anon doesn't teach you how to be perfect, either. One of the big messages I miss sometimes with this program is that "it's okay to screw up!" You're not hopeless!
"That which we resist persists" - this includes fighting our old habits, too, with an attitude of all or nothing.
Breathe, oma. Get to some face to face meetings. Do you have a sponsor? If you do - call that person. If not, find one! And remember to work those tools called the Twelve Steps.
