The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just joined today. My AH was just removed from our home a week and half ago and for those of your familiar with that you know that a court hearing comes after that. I also requested that he not be allowed to see our children, one who is 18 and one who is 14. The AH got wind that I was filing for an Order of Protection and flew home from work to try and stay in our home. That however did not work out for him. He locked himself inside our home, drinking, and locked every door and window he could. I finally had to have a locksmith come out and open the door with the Sheriff's department there with me to serve him with the Order. We didn't even know if he was actually in the house because we couldn't get the garage door open to see if his car was in there. But low and behold he was in there. His brother had come down to try and get him to open the door, it's not like they were going to arrest him just serve him with the order. But he had no idea that I was doing that so I guess he was scared. It was a shock to him. But I felt it was the best thing to do in our situation which appeared to be circling a familiar drain in which I was not interested in accompanying him to AGAIN! So after the door was opened and the Sheriff's deputies got in the house to serve him, I left to go buy a new door knob and when I got back he was gone.We have not spoken since that day on April 24th and initially he was quite awful, taking all of the money out of our bank accounts, so I would have nothing to live on and not paying the bills which he was ordered to continue to do. But since then he has seemed to calm down and I have heard from several sources that he has stopped drinking, which is good and I believe may be why he has started to pay the bills now but I still have that nagging feeling that something else will happen. He is staying with his mother who is "taking care of him" like he was a baby. But that is par for the course. She gets up with him in the morning and makes his breakfast, something I stopped doing about 2 years ago and she takes his medicine out for him to take. She pulls his covers down on his bed at night, something I never did. She washed his clothes and irons them, something I did do. She cooks his meals and probably make his lunch too. WOW! How nice to have it like that when you wreck your family. Well that's how it goes. I offered for her to go to an ALANON f2f meeting with me tomorrow night, I doubt she will go but I offered anyway. I also offered for my oldest son to go with me too and he said he would. This has been rough on all of us but I felt like I had had enough and my AH's anger and frustration were getting way out of control and I felt that we were at risk of some sort of physical abuse or attack and I was not going there with him. I love him deeply, we known each other since we were 14 years old and we are 39 now. I don't know that there is any coming back from this but I am prepared to arm myself with ALANON and personal counseling as well as the same for my children. They miss their dad and I understand that but until things are resolved to a manner in which I feel it's safe for them they won't see him or talk to him. It is unfortunate that my AH missed our son's Prom and potentially could miss his graduation, but that is how the chips have fallen. I am at the point now that I realize that I need just as much help as he does except I am seeking it out. I pray that he does too but that is something only he can decide on for himself. HP help me but I still love my AH. Seeking serenity at this time and I think I have come back to the right place.
we've all been in terrible terrible places because of someone else's thinking. One thing I did and this is my ESH is that I deliberately went out of my way not to know what the A was doing. When I knew I would obsess. I have no idea now where he is living, what he is doing, how he is, nothing, not because I do not care but because I care too much.
So I try really really really hard not to know what is going on with him and over time its gets easier. I presume you have already gone to court for a hearing and know how to enforce the order and what to do. Do you have a plan b?
Welcome to this group. I have been here for years and it has been a lifesaver for me.
Well the hearing came and went because the magistrate wanted one of us to file for divorce so he could attach new orders to it. So we have another hearing scheduled for Friday in which I have already told my attorney what I want in the new order. Nothing unreasonable but to take care of the bills and pay support. I have also offered counseling for him to see his sons but that is an option I don't know if it will be an order but he can't return to our home.
You sound very calm, clear headed, focused and determined almost as if you had attempted program before. Your condition matters. It has been my experience that when the alcoholic understands and sees an unmoveable boundary they turn off the stinking thinking and move closer to reality. Of course that is not a definite every time thing. Not wavering does not help. There maybe an Alateen group meeting at the same location as the Al-Anon if there is direct your son to that group so that he can participate openly and without constriction. I Sponsored Alateen for 9 years and the teens get it faster than the adults do because they don't have as much time in the problem.
Good luck and keep coming back. Hope your alcoholic find help soon.
Thank you. I have worked this program before but not enough. I know that it can definitely help and that's why I came back. My expectation for my AH are 0, I have been let down too many times to actually have any real expectations. I too pray that he gets help, if he wants it. Honestly he has worked so many programs that I don't think he believes in them anymore, which is sad. I couldn't really tell you where his head is right now, he seems to be doing the right things, right now. His mother however likes to put her blinders on and not know what she really knows. I can only help myself and my children right now.
One more thing to share. I am a Cancer survivor. I had a milignant brain tumor and was on chemo therapy for a year and then found out that the chemo was not working and had to have brain surgery to remove the tumor. During all of this time my AH was drinking, and binge drinking. He would be there to take me to my monthly doctor's appointments and he tried to be supportive but his drinking just really detracted from me feeling his support. It almost seemed like he was missing attention, like our family was paying more attention to me. I can't quite put my finger on it and I guess it's not meant for me to figure out after all I was the one that was sick with cancer and the chemo treatments. I do miss him and still love him very much. I won't kid myself about that. But I also don't want that to interfere with my own recovery from his illness. He has it him to stop drinking but he has to also get help to maintain that. I rely on my HP to keep me on track and help me to forgive him.
Well I think I set myself up for disappointment constantly with the A expecting him to be anything but "sick" and "self absorbed" and totally intolerant of any of my needs. I really did resent him being the way he was. When I came to accept the way he was I stopped resenting him. I stopped looking for him to meet any of my needs at all because of course he never could. Reciprocal simply wasn't in his vocabulary.
