The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As many of you know - my A and I are considering (planning?) to try again - which will mean his move back to the states. Back here to me. Everyone's got an opinion on that - and believe me - there's nothing that I haven't thought of. Nothing.
All that being said - I'll get to my point. Last night we were online chatting. I had mentioned to him that I'm scared and could use some re-assurance about us. His response was that he had no way that he could think of that would re-assure me. Which was honest, I guess. But later in the chat, after much discussion about my insecurities about our future, I finally said, "Maybe I just wish for days when I wasn't covering my own back 24/7." To which he responded, "Well, do I still plan for the move, or wait for you to solve it?"
So here's my question. To me, his responses seem removed and emotionless. And I'm sure to him my chatter seemed clingy and insecure. He even said at one point, "And I won't be critical or anything because I know this is you - 'panic mode'." Am I completely nuts for wanting him to give me some reason to believe that we're going to be okay? Some words of comfort (though, admittedly, they could be hollow) - but he's not even trying! Is he simply working his program the way he should be and letting each of us tend to our own worries - and not buying into my "insanity" of the moment? Or is he being ice cold? Should I have my behind in more chairs at f2f meetings? Is it showing? I don't want to go back into this relationship being that same old worried person. It's not good for me, and it's not good for him. Am I trying to pull from him something he has no business conjuring up for me?
We've got a long history. And in the past - he's been very forthcoming with the right answers. The soothing words. And they felt good. They were hollow - but they felt good. Maybe I should be relieved that he's taking a different approach with me - but it left me feeling very isolated from him (thus the statement about having to cover my own back 24/7).
All I can say is if it were me, I'd be talking with my sponsor, and then I just know without a doubt, my sponsor would tell me it's time to spend some time praying. "Is this my will or my HP's will?" and "God, show me the person you would have me be."
What has changed, round? You? Him? And if you have changed why would you try going back? It's so true that we can never go back. And even where I stand today, I would never want to. My mind likes to color my past all rainbows and sunshine. But, it wasn't. I am just at a point where I can see that ex AH did have a couple of good things he said. A couple. That's not enough for me.
I would be very weary about what your intuition is telling you. It sounds like you know the answers but you are trying your hardest to ignore them. Denile is powerful and many layered. I see what your ex is going to get from this situation but what are you going to get?
I'm not asking these questions to be a smart a**. I seriously want to know. I justified myself right back into my marriage many, many times. Never was it worth it. Never. Not even once. My justifications were awsome (if you ask me!LOL). But, he was what he was. He even TOLD me what he was and I looked him right in the eye and said "No you're NOT!" Um, he was right, I was wrong.
Just be careful. You might think you're hearing your heart speak, but it might just be your dis-ease.
I can appreciate that you have considered all sides of the argument and get plenty of free advice. I have been told to divorce the @#$#%^, get a boyfriend, move, etc. If I could it would have happened a long time ago. My AHsober has historically done the same thing - won't give me what I ask for, won't commit, keeps that guard up, and says he doesn't have it. I think it has to do with intimacy with him and staying on the safe side. I would say talk to your sponsor. When I talk to mine then I realize that my AHsober is just like hers. Whew, it isn't just me. And talk alot to your HP for clarity. You are right where you are suppose to be.
You got some good responses and also hit many of my recovery triggers; the ones that let me to being responsible for me regardless of who else, what else and where else I was around. We are responsible for our happiness. No one else is responsible for our peace of mind and serenity. It's HP and me and then all the other guys, places and things that occupy this atmosphere.
I hear fear/insecurity and I remember learning the "opposites" because fear made my life unliveable....the opposite of fear is faith...faith that I would be okay no matter what, where, when, how, who or why.
You hit the trigger that I am also responsible for what I feel. My emotions are choices and though I didn't at one time believe that thinking that my emotions were defaults to situations I found out that was not true. I choose to be happy and when I am not choosing I'm a victim emotionally to what is going on around me. I don't like victimization and I don't like not having choices.
You triggered my lessons on breaking from "just reacting" to everything in stead of responding if I chose to. I'm still working on that one...not as hard as I use to but just still. Choosing how and if I want to respond to things and people around me including the alcoholic is part and parcel of how I detach.
If your alcoholic comes home no matter his progress or lack of change and no matter the past, you decide for you how you want to live your life. Life isn't written down in neat black and white print and precisely layed out. Life is random and spontaneous and I get to only manage my part, my side of the street so to speak. When the alcoholic does good stuff...I don't make a point of it to stand and clap. When the alcoholic screws up...I don't make a point of it to wag my finger...(Al-Anon hand shake, it's called,) I can do this stuff if I want yet still when get turn back from giving them attention, it's my life that I turn around to and my HP who directs me to doing the right thing.
If you feel that you haven't learned as much about yourself as you would need (doubt) I would suggest that you learn more, as much as you can before letting the alcoholic re-arrive. If he is still using "old names" to describe you use it as feedback and ask for help making changes...not for him for you. You need to see assurances, changes...you need to see them, hear them, feel them acknowledge them or else it's the same things over and over again with the expectation of different results. He's willing to wait for you to "solve it" before coming back home. I'd thank him for that and continue looking for solutions. You have some real fears...real or imagined and there is no way he can leap over them...neither can you. Best stay in your meeting chairs and work for solutions. What solutions do you want? Are they dependent on him or are they dependent on yourself? Gotta ask those questions.
I wish you well. This is difficult because it is another invitation to happiness by proxy...getting my happiness thru another persons efforts. I don't like that and I won't stand for it.
