The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I asked my AH to move out and he did last Saturday. It's been stress free for a week, and I'm a lot happier, but also somewhat confused because I'm sad but happy at the same time. I also still worry about him, but I know in my heart he and I will be fine and go on our separate paths. We have no children so you'd think this would be easier. So my question for you is: How do I deal with this part of having my wishes come true and I don't have to worry about coming home and finding him passed out anymore? But still feeing sad that our realationship of 10yrs had to end in divorce because of this. Any ESH?
I am at the other end. My AHSober left. I don't have to live with what is the ism. I miss him but when I am with him all I get is the disease. This is after 34 years of marriage. Those moments of when he is just him are getting rarer and rarer. They tell me that we have to grieve our loss. It all makes me very sad. I go to meetings and read the literature. I realize that I have create a new life. He chooses not to be in a program. So that means nothing will change.
10 years is a long time to invest in a relationship. You didn't invest without expectations...those expectations have gone unmet and they are not gone altogether. You had wants and needs wrapped up around him and you and the him is not there. I was told that for every intense year of a relationship it takes 2.5 years to get over it....Bleeeeah. I thought I was poisoned with that one and since this program is a one day and a time program only in the present....the past disappears and the future hasn't arrived yet so how can I count time beyond one day?
I was also taught and came to believe fully that my alcoholic wife was addicted to alcohol and I was addicted to my wife. Looking at how I ran around and all the things I did to keep her satisfied and happy I have no doubt that I was addicted to her. I was there for her 24/7. She couldn't move an inch without me knowing how fast and in what direction she did it. Poor gal...she was more a prisoner than a free person. I even tried to teach her how to drink. That one almost cost her a life because I am made up different (male) and came to understand after an assessment that I am more chemically tolerant than most people. She once mentioned "I wish I could drink like you" not knowing what that could mean to her and what it eventually meant to me.
Now that he is gone for the time a great suggestion would be to occupy your space and time with people in recovery in the Al-Anon Family Groups. Locate face to face meetings in your area and plan on attending them frequently. It will change your life. The hotline number is in the white pages of your phonebook or you might find a link to the AFG WSO (Al- Anon Family Groups World Service Organization) and find the meetings there.
I was with someone for 7 years. Of course there will be a sense of loss. I invested in the relationship considerably, emotionally and financially. I came here and stopped investing. That helped. Keep expressing your sorrow and ambivalence. My sorrow gets less these days but it has been a year, a good year but for a long time thoughts of "him" completely consumed me.
I think some of the best advise I have read on this board is that you can remind yourself of what your reality was and not get caught up in what you were hoping it would have been or if he comes back what it might be etc. Morn what you lost and you might also have to morn what you hoped for but didn't ever get.
It is easy to miss the person you believe they are. It is also easy to remember all the time they spent getting the beer, drinking the beer, sitting staring at the TV etc. It's easy to forget all disappointments, struggles etc. for some reason?
I also like the statements I have read that said something like you can love someone and not be with them. and You can love and respect them but love and respect yourself more.
I am not in your spot right now but I know how bad it hurts and I feel for you!! I know that when I get really down if I read something on here or elsewhere that helps me focus on loving myself--really caring for myself as much as I care for others- spouse or whoever... If I love myself and HP it really does seem to get better. Also if you can manage to make yourself do something fun, read, exercise, take a class (gosh does that take amazing effort to get yourself to do when hurting-- but if you can manage something new I believe it will help) face to face meetings were a life saver for me too!! So sorry for your pain, will be thinking of you and praying for you!!
