The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just spent the bank holiday weekend with my daughter and her family, and don't get me wrong it was one of the best times I have ever spent with her and the children. I give thanks for that, it was a first.
Now I am back home, and I have been to my weekly hospital PMP session and I am so tired and low and weepy, I just don't seem to be able to get myself together.
Before I went I had had to fill in forms for a reassessment of my benefits and I had the assessment back the day before I went to my daughter's. My benefits are going to be cut by a massive 48%. I decided that I could NOT worry about it over the bank holiday and that I would face it when I came back. I have, and I am in a tiz.
I cannot see how I am going to manage, and if I did go back to work I would have to go back FULL TIME, and I am not fit for full time work. Oh that I was, I hate being reliant on anyone else.
I am trying so hard to apply my programme and take one day at a time, though I am not succeeding. I am angry that most of my injuries were sustained from the XAH and I am living with Chronic pain that is hard to live with and I am on my own and have no hope of improving my situation, and I cannot do things in the house and the garden that I used to do, and I cannot afford to pay anyone to do it for me either, so things are going to just get worse.
I am not saying that Heartbroken is back. I am saying I cannot cope right now, the depression is getting to me and my future does not look rosy. I am tired of the up-hill struggle and my life as it is and yet I seem stuck in the poverty rut with no future way out; I am angry and I am tired, so very tired of it all. I wish I could work myself out of this as I have done many times in the past. There was a time I had three jobs and was looking after the children, the house, the garden, decorating, and doing the DIY and running 10 or more committees and a volunteer job. NOT NOW, I cannot do any of this NOW.
Thank you family for letting me let of steam. Tonight I am one very depressed person and not feeling much like being grateful, however I know if I try hard and I am reasonable have a lot to be grateful for, I just don't feel like being reasonable, I want to get this no future improvement thing for my life, as it would appear right now, out of my system.
After all I have sacrificed and lost in my life with the XAH I feel like I have been dealt a rotten hand, whilst my XAH now appears to be gaining all the aces in life and still causing his children heartache, whilst he cuts them up and is living the life of Raleigh.
Please forgive me, I am so lowand having a HUGE 'pity-party' right now that I don't seem to be able to drag myself out of.
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
((((((((((((suzannah))))))))))))))), I hate it too when it sneaks up like that.
Sometimes it helps me just to get more sleep - I've been going to bed an hour or more earlier than usual for 3 nights, and I'm only finally today not exhausted.
Do you have the right to appeal?
ok, now this next bit is just to distract you and make you laugh. I think it must be a British song, because we heard it from a wonderful elderly British gentleman - hopefully you'll be able to fill in the rest of it yourself:
There was an old farmer who had an old sow *snort* *glurp* snidely sow, Suzannah's a funniful man, *snort* *glurp* snidely man, Suzannah's a funniful man!
(((((((((((Suzannah)))))))))) I took my son to a SpinIn recently. It is where people who spin and knit get together for a really fun time of spinning and shopping and gabbing. Anyway, we had a blast. We met great people and took in a couple of demonstrations, etc. The next day I went into a terrible funk that seemed to last several days. I was tired and angry about my living situation. I was resentful that my AH lives down the road where he has a shower every night if he wants one and can do his laundry whenever he wants. He has no livestock to care for and someone else even makes the coffee for him in the morning. It was a rough few days til I could shake that feeling. I think the high of actually having a good time for once in the last few years is what set it off. I'm still not sure why. Maybe it just set me on an emotional plane that was kind of raw. Maybe I was a bit overtired from the walking and fun we had. I don't know.
What I do know is that I sure understand how you feel. Its like I had gone some place pretty and come back home to my ugliness at home and seeing the contrast was just too much.
Anyway, just know you are not alone.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Is there an appeal process at all? I don't know that things necessarily get worse. For some of us when we "leave" there's a time of readjustment. I don't know either that any A gets off scott free, after all they have an addiction. They may do a great job of appearing invulnerable but I doubt they are. I would not want an addiction for anything, nor would I want codependence really.
There are bound to be bad days and hard days. This may be one of them. The key for me is in looking at my 10% what can I do to make it better. I have to really work hard to steer myself away from comparing my life to others, after all there i s no comparison, its from the inside that counts and we don't know someone's inside. I used to feel I knew the A inside-out, now I don't. I choose not to and its different, I choose not to go with what I think he is thinking because after all no "sane" person destroys everything in front of them.
I tend to have a post-holiday hard time, or any holiday hard time because of the way I set myself up thinking. I think its enormous discipline to keep on the program, detaching even from the awful stuff of my own life. My life is still terribly hard but nothing like as hard as it used to be, progress not perfection. We do not have to be a wonder woman every single day.
Hi dear friend, Now when I feel like you,after physical stuff,I remind myself how tired I am.
Usually I feel low when I am tired. That emotional blow is hard too. We need insurance badly. Is there something else you could look into to suppliment the insurance you have?
Sorry to keep bugging you, P.O.? Maybe you would send me their number? I know you are pooped and adding one more thing....
I was out of a med and stupidly put it off going to town to get it. then got sick.dummy. Slept all day today, had a horrible horrible nightmare.
horrible.
Just went and got it and the rest. Allowed myself to cry.It is so much harder for me to accept how busy my kids are when I am out of my anti depressants. Was telling myslelf how I could move away and no one would know for weeks.
did the usual STOP in my head. man that yukky stuff can really cont. on.
or try to.
Of course ya feel down.It is hard, my shoulders will never be without pain thanks to my Ah's disease.
I wish I could give you a real live hug. It makes me sad to see you so low.
I'm glad you had a nice visit with your daughter, I was so praying that you would.
Hopefully you can appeal the decision about your medical benefits. I don't know how it works there but here in the US, you can appeal a decision to deny SSI. A friend of mine's father hired a lawyer after his benefits were denied. They won the case and he was able to get a settlement with retroactive benefits.
I hope you know how much you are cared about on this board. I'm sure I speak for the rest as well when I say that you have been a great encouragement to me when I needed it the most.
I will pray for your situation.
With Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I am so sorry you are feeling low. But this too shall pass.
What CAN you do? Could you rent out a room in your home? Just to make ends meet? Or in trade for someone to do the physical things you can't? It doesn't have to be forever and it is something you could just try.
I put an ad online for a room for rent and got a professional guy who just needed the space for 3 nights a week for 3 months. Perfect. Enough time for me to see if it was something I could do (without being a nervous wreck, without losing my boundries) and I did it! Worked out well. I have a young girl here full time now. So far so good. The money is paying for groceries. She just happens to be a nanny so, in the fall, I might reduce rent in exchange for her babysitting services.
Yes, one day at a time helps me the most when I am down. Good luck and much love!!!!
