The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The more he makes you think you are the one with the problems, the more the focus is on you instead of him. It's a common alcoholic manipulation.
I just read this in someone else's post and well I just had to say wow...
I think maybe HP is directing me to continue to look at how I may be "restored to sanity" but stop taking all the blame for how I got here... I have been effected by some ones problems and I am being restored!
(as in I was good enough in the first place, as in I didn't cause it!!!!)
I chose someone who's difficulties diminished my best qualities and whose difficulties brought out my sadness, limitations or struggles. The more it hurts the more I work to "fix" it.... The more it hurts the more determined I am. Somehow does he know this, deep down because he seems to know just when and how much to hurt me and just how much to promise, how much to dangle the carrot of a real relationship before me and then just when to "yank" it back and make me out to be some kind of emotional vaccumme.
How does he know just how much to do just what to make me dance this dance?
Never in any situation do I find myslef saying....Hey, this just doesn't provide a positive for my life-- so I will walk away-.... never even think that way... Probably because deep down I want to go back and fix and make it right- so I choose repeat situations, where I am trying to get my needs met by someone else, which won't ever work but on top of that I chose people who can't even contribute and try to "help" them!!
Help them learn to meet my needs that can't be met by anyone but me!! okay now I'm laughing at myself
This journey can be interesting and even funny sometimes, huh. I love when I have these kind of "what was I thinking?" kind of moments. It is good to be able to laugh and not take ourselves so seriously.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I sure can relate to your post. It wasn't fun when I was back there and the disease could manipulate me like a marianette. I learned lots of stuff in the program that with courage and practice helped me to take responsibility for who I was, where I was at and how I wanted things to be. I learned that it wouldn't happen unless I was willing to let it happen and just after that came before I let anything happen I could take 3 to 4 seconds to "Think" about what was going on, what I felt compulsed to do, what I didn't want to go on and what I wanted to happen or not happen. Consequences changed and I took back control. Just 3 seconds before I responded rather than reacted made all the difference in the world. Reaction is about acting on "habit". Responding is about acting after thought before a decision in line with my wants and needs.
Speaking as someone who knows how to be manipulative and found it hard to give up since that was my only source of power, I'd say no one "wants" to be sick. I think they become innured to it and too stuck in their ways to give it up. I know for me it requires enormous courage and enormous wilingness to change but change I must as I am going nowhere as a "victim".
