The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dear Family, I guess my codependency is alive and well. I've been thinking about my ex-AH....like, seeing if he wants to to go to a favorite restaurant we had together ....and maybe coming back to my place. Ugh.... I just had to get that out.
It's insane, I know it. He is completely untrustworthy and he's a liar. But, he's been sooo nice lately when we talk... and he's offering to split my legal bills. I think I get confused when he acts so nice and kind.
Anyway, I guess I am missing the good times. I miss doing stuff with my husband (of 26 years.)
Thanks for reading. Love you all, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
You had a long history with your AH and I think it's okay that you still love him. The thing is to do it with detachment. Loving a person doesn't mean having to spend time with them.
Instead of thinking about the past and wondering about the future, bring your mind back to the present. What would you be doing with yourself right now if you weren't thinking about the ex? Do you have chores to do? Have a friend to call that you haven't talked to in a long while?
One of the things my sponsor recommended to me when I find myself in a place of self-pity or bunches of worry or frustration is to reach out to someone else who may need some help. If you have a phone list of Al-Anon members from one of your meetings, pick up the phone and give one of them a call. If you have a sponsor, call your sponsor.
I know when my AH (of 20 yrs.) is nice to me I sure get confused too, lol!
Many years ago on my 30th birthday I came home from work and went into the kitchen. Suddenly, I got the willies, and stood stock still--something was wrong! It felt like a stranger had been in the room, what was different? Well, it slowly dawned on me that I had left a sink full of dishes ( I had debated whether my present to myself was a clean kitchen, or not doing the dishes, and chose the later) and the kitchen was clean...who could have done it? LOL to think my AH doing the dishes actually scared the bejesus out of me. LOL
Anyway, it's good you post, and for sure there are many who understand.
I missed the A for a long time, resented him, grieved that his disease progressed but now I do not miss the chaos pain and sense of abandonment anymore. I know that that person has gone and there is a "disease" in its place and he is not ready to be sober. I accept it. I called the missing "malignant hope". He did not want recovery and that became abundantly clear over time. Perhaps at some time he may but I have moved on to my own life rather than wait for him to change. He may not after all.
