The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Had our meeting with the attorneys today. We sat around a 6-person conference table and the two chairs on either end were empty - I had God sitting on my left and all of you shared the other one. The way I saw it, God led the meeting and you all kept it under control. I thank you for that.
I did pretty good, but cried more than I wanted to. I didn't say much, pretty much echoed my AH's wants about the divorce, but did break and say I wanted to be happy. Sounded pathetic, but its true, and I know I can't get it from him.
Overall, I am pleased so far, relatively speaking of course. The attorneys created a kind and gentle atmosphere. I hope it can stay that way. My attorney is very experienced so is running the show. Collaborative Law can get kinda tricky involving other disciplines (child, financial and collaborative coaches), but I totally see the benefit. The path doesn't look quite so murky now that I understand the help that will be available.
One other unrelated thing, word of my AH's affair is starting to trickle out in town, being circulated with "did you know?" Amazing it has taken as long as it has. He's been out of the house for a year. Guess I'll just keep walking with my head held high and if anyone wants to know if I know, I will just assure them I do.
Gotta confess this so I don't obsess - I STILL WANT TO SAVE MY AH. Stupid, stupid, stupid...Apparently people, including, one of his employees is talking about what a scumbag he is and they talk of her as a sl** and overall icky person who has no boundries and preys on anyone including her friends' husbands and other women. Here is the sick part - I want to convince him that our business will most likely suffer (and may already be) when the general public acknowledges what a lousy family man he is.
I need to let it go, I need to let it go, I need to let it go, I need to let it go..... HELP!
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Just to give you hope?....just got off the telephone with one of my sponsees who has been "trying" to let go for such a long time but really has been practicing the taking it back more often. We sat together Monday night and he went at it from his experience and just kept getting met with mine. Then he called last evening and I was too tired to talk and told him just to let it go till I called back. I didn't call back I went to sleep. He called this morning while on his way to work and I can't remember what all it was that was said but I let it go and disengaged and he went on to work...and then convinced himself of letting go of everything that cluttered up his mind and spirit and emotions and focus only on what was before him and the?...he got his first miracle freedom from fear of whatever all that other stuff was and of his alcoholic/addict and the power he had given her over him. And he got what he was focused on done and he could "hear" the voice of guidence directing him and then? He became convinced that he could even let go of his fear and resentment for and about the alcoholic/addict and let the children in his custody attend a supervised visitation with the alcoholic/addict and how did he do this? He gave himself permission to let it go after asking himself how long was he going to hang on to the bitterness and anger and how long was he going to hang on to the fear of her and her ability to hurt him and how long did he want to remain sick? He got his second miracle this evening and he is now on his way to more exciting recovery. Yowzers!! I am always taken for a trip to hear the change in attitude from negative to positive and the relaxed sense of freedom that comes from "letting it all go to HP including self". It's okay not to save your alcoholic from anything. Tell yourself that and let him go and let yourself have some miracles.
I think that you have let go more than you know. You are doing a great job of facing it head on. And you know they tell us to either pray for our "enemies" or hold them in warm personal regard. Hard to do but maybe that helps us let go. I am going to a public function today where both my AHsober and I are expected to be. I have to put a big huge boundary around myself. The questions upfront and the comments not so upfront are unbearable for me. So I am going to go, say hello, tell them to ask him because I don't know, smile, shake hands, and go home as soon as I can. Done.
Yeah, you do need to let it go. And you will. You are as we speak. Can you see how far you have come in this program? It's incredible. Don't push yourself to "let it go". Just have faith that in time and with your efforts, HP will take it from you. Time takes time. I know, for me, I wanted to just be well, I wanted to have my life the way I wanted it. I wanted all sorts of good and healthy things and I wanted it all NOW! Why not? They were good things that I wanted. But I wasn't there yet. I saw it and I saw the path I had to take. You did good Lou! You were human, you were yourself. No shame in being yourself, even when yourself is in pain. What a gift that you can cry, be sad and express it. What you are going thru IS sad. Appropriate emotions and reactions.
What goes around comes around. It is not your fault that his affair and insanity are starting to leak out. You made SURE it is not your fault. You kept your mouth shut and kept you dignity thru it all. So, none of that is your fault and nothing you can do to cushion his fall. Everytime you look over there and see his mess that he has made, look away. Like a car accident, you don't want to stare. Just glance, say a prayer and keep on going. Turn your eyes and your heart back to you and take care of those kids. He doesn't need or deserve your protection any longer but your kids do.
Wow! what great response you have had so far I have nothing to add other than to commend you on how well you are doing and how far you have come. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers while you climb sometimes and skip sometimes over this mountain. I like a saying I saw once, "you can't change the past but you can change the future"
lots of hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
To echo what the others are saying...you have come along way...letting go for me was a twofold process...first with my mind then my heart. Remember you are not responsible for what others say or think...only yourself. Let them talk if they want to. Keep on taking care of you. Know your HP will carry you thru this rough time...and you will get thru this. your friend in recovery, rosie
Gosh how I wanted to save the AH but really it was "me" that I wanted to save and I projected it all on him. I felt that he might be grateful for my supreme efforts and incredible persistence in taking care of him. Needless to say he wasn't he just had total expectations that I would always be "there" for him. He never was for me but I kept up the charade for years.
I can well understand how difficult it is to "let go". In Al anon I learned i was able to enter the picture rather than be left out of it which was the case my entire childhood. For me that was the beginning of redemption.
Hm.... just a thought - maybe a piece of it could be - instead of "stupid, stupid, stupid", please practice saying "sick, sick, sick" to yourself instead. You are smart, smart, smart (((((Lou))))))). I know sometimes a fine brain can mess with recovery because it thinks it ought to be be able to manage everything. Well, this is the brain's chance to learn that it can be a smarter brain by turning some stuff over to the heart & to hp. No need to sabotage yourself by taking over the calling yourself names piece. What do you say to your kids if after repeated attempts they don't get something? Maybe "looks like you could use a little more practice?" - well - same goes for you. Baby steps get you across the room - they're not bad because they're little. Wishing for a different outcome, well, that's only part of what makes us human. We're gonna forget and do it sometimes. Then remind ourselves - oh yeah hp, you're in charge of that one.
