The material presented
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Hi everyone. I am 35 and my hubby is 48. We have been together for 14 years. Hubby is an alcoholic. He just entered rehab last Thurs. He has always been a drinker. I never thought much of it. He never harmed me or said anything abusive towards me. I guess I married a "happy drunk". Anyway, for years I have been asking him to "cut back" or get some help but it never worked and I figured that I could not threaten to leave because that would only make his problem worse. He was a functioning alcoholic. He always went to work. Never lost a job because of drinking ( at least not that I know of.) What really set my radar off that this issue was starting to get out of hand is that the last few months he has been taking more days off saying that he is tired, had stomach issues, alleriges ect... and he had been fine when he left in the morning. Then two weekends ago I was away camping with my GS troop. I did not come home after work on Fri and returned home Sun to find him sleeping. Once he woke up which was not for long, he said that he was feeling depressed. Only wanted to sleep and had no desire to eat. Come Mon, he was still sleeping and had not eaten a thing and I got really worried. I made him call for an appt with a therapist for Tues afternoon. I got home he hadn't gone to the appt. Wed arrived still sleeping had said he would be in to work, could not get him up and I threw a fit. I dumped the entire bottle of vodka down the drain ( only to be questioned as to why I had dumped perfectly good vodka down the drain) and left. He called a few hours later to tell me that he was up and showered.I said that I would be home soon. When I got home I told him that I was taking him to the crisis center because he needed some help. He agreed without a problem and got in the car. After we got there when the nurse was taking vitals she asked him (due to the stale distillery breath he had) had he been drinking and when the last one was. She gave him a breathalizer and he blew a # that was over TWICE the legal limit. I broke down into tears. More in thankfulness that he had not harmed anyone when he was behind the wheel and disbelief that he was able to almost funtion ( except for the sleeping thing) to a normal extent with that much alcohol in his system. Anyway, the doctor wanted to keep him and he didn't want to stay so I brought him home. All the while having the talk that the drinking had to stop and he had to do it for himself not me but if he continued then we would not. After we got home he did not drink for 3 hours, made calls got in touch with a super sonser from AA and started shaking from not drinking. He called at least 3 or 4 rehabs who all said we can't help you till morning because you don't have insurance ( if I were them I would have dealt with that issue in the am but let him come even though it was 10 pm) ugghh!! So anyway, he did check himself into a rehab the following morning and has been there since last Thursday. It was after that that I foung out from his boss that he was showing up drunk and drinking during the day. When she confronted him he denied it. When I confronted him less then 24 hours into rehab he admitted it. Go figure. I guess I am trying to deal with the issues that I never covered for him. I was always very honest that sorry he can't come to the phone he was drinking and fell asleep or passed out. All my friends know that we did not go out too much becasue I was embarrassed that he drank so much. I am a helper and a care giver and a do-er. I want to make sure that I have the education to be able to help him from a spouse side without saying the wrong thing. ( I did the other night. I said that he could never take a drink again and he corrected my by saying " No, I can't have a drink today") Maybe that is my downfall, that I am too supportive. I don't know. I don't know where to go to learn and I know that I am not alone. I only hope and pray that by him putting himself into rehab and talking about looking forward to going to as many AA meetings as it takes is a first step of many to a promising recovery. Thanks for listening. I really do appreciate it.
Hi cookie, Welcome to MIP. Since you asked what you can do and where you can go to learn.... Find yourself an Alanon meeting. You work your program and allow him to work his. The reality is, his sobriety is totally under his control. You have no control over it at all. You can no more stop him from drinking then he could make you start. You also can not make him start drinking by saying the "wrong thing". If he drinks it is totally his decision. We try real hard to make it our fault if they relapse, which is a form of enabling. If we are taking responsibility, they can't.
We allow them the dignity to go it alone and fight their own battle. Keeping in mind that being supportive does not include badgering, inquiring or manipulating. We all learn at our own pace and there is much to take in. Most of us have had to change our way of thinking and reacting. We hang on to the control we "think" we have with our nails dug in. Then we find out we were always powerless and always will be. The only control we have is over ourselves. Going to an Alanon meeting, working the 12 Steps and getting ahead of the game would serve you well.
keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome to MIP! Alanon helps and you are right, you are not alone. Go to face 2 face meetings, read the literature, call an Alanoner. It has helped me so much. Someone has been where you have been. Keep coming back.!
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and just a touch of humor (good for the ). I too wanted to help my hubby. I learned as much as I could (so I thought) about the disease. When he went into rehab I went to the required meetings before visitation. What I didn't do was find Alanon until much later, after several relapses. This board has been a lifesaver for me. Alanon has saved me more than once.
One big thing I have learned is this: Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Leave his recovery up to him. Allow him the dignity of making choices (good or bad) when it comes to his recovery. The dynamics of a sober marriage vs. an active one are completely different.
Christy is right. Get to as many Alanon meetings as you can. Alanon will give you the tool necessary to work your program. You will find you will take these tools with you in all parts of your life. You can be loving and supportive of him but you have to take care of yourself. If you can't find local meetings, please join us for our online ones here. Come into the chat room and join us in between the meetings. They can be a great source of strength. Keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I did not seek Al anon until my AH had been home from rehab for a while, relapsed several times, and we were both emotional disaster areas. If I had to do it again I would have used the time he was in rehab to start my own al anon program. We both would have been able to avoid a lot of hurt feelings if I had been taking care of myself instead of trying to take care of him. Welcome to MIP and please keep coming back!
I don't know when I was reading your share I saw that you did not "want to say the wrong thing". I'm not sure there is a "wrong thing" when you are dealing with the kind of crisis you were dealing with. You are after all human. If you read the backlogs in this board you'll find lots of people who have been through rehab with a spouse. I can't tell you how much this board has helped me, its helped me not to feel vulnerable, judged, shown me how to use the tools of al anon and stop beating myself up.
No matter what you do, good bad, heroic, stupid, clumsy, human you cannot simply cannot "stop" him from drinking. Only the alcoholic can decide he wants to stop and then work on staying "stopped" in recovery. No one can "do" that for him.
Believe me we have all been there, screamed, begged, pleaded, obsessed, prayed and prayed and obsessed some more about what we "can" do to make "them" stop. I take absolutely no responsibility anymore about anyone's drinking except of course my own. I am re-sponsible for my own life that's it. I am in turn res-ponsible for my own happiness and killing myself with worry about someone's drinking doesn't help anyone least of all me because eventually I stop functioning.
It sounds like you have been through the real mill, running to emergency rooms, resenting the re-habs who wouldn't take your husband, worrying yourself sick, speaking to the "boss" worrying about what' s next, second guessing yourself and more. That's a lot for one week. I'm glad you are here and can get it all off your chest, please come here whenever you want, respond to people's posts, read the archives (a goldmine) go to virtual meetings, go to the other sites on this board and let yourself feel at home. This is your new home, this is where you will learn to breathe, be kind to yourself, take it one day at a time, rather than one moment at a time, or one phrase at a time as you have been. No one but no one here is going to tell you that you did anything wrong by telling your husband he can't drink again. We've all thought that, said it, wished it and more. We've all absolutely been there and done it a hundred times. However we got here, we got here, whenever we got here, we got here and that's a reason to celebrate. For me I came here after a long time feeling totally lost and isolated with a boyfriend who was an alcoholic from being a teenager (he was middle aged when I met him) feeling absolutely totally responsible for every aspect of his life and believing that I had something to do with the fact he continued to drink/use/act self destructively.
In Al anon we adopt the three C's, we didnt cause it, we can't cure it (hard one that for those of who are heroic by nature) and we can't control it (even harder for those of us who feel we need to "do" for others what they can't or won't do for themselves). So you are entirely off the hook for finding the "right" thing to make him sober, that's entirely up to him. Here you will learn sane responses to the insane idea that we can "do" it all for others, prompt them to recovery, when obviously circumstances like not being able to function might, and deny ourselves everything in the meantime. Here you can come and put it all out there, what you feel, what you need, what you have missed, what you are angry and sad about and more. And then you can learn how to be "other" than the "hero" you've set yourself up to be by "detaching" rather than obsessing and focusing on "you" rather than trying to second guess what "he" is going to do next (there are no predictions for any of that). You can get grounded and feel a sense of reprieve and learn to take life a little bit lighter as you "let go". There is a light in the middle of despair there really is and its here, right here in this place. There are wonderful, generous, loving, kind people here who have absolutely totally been where you are right now and none of them is going to judge you, label you, or tell you what to do only show you how to live with the kind of incredible stress you are dealing with right at this moment.
I'm glad you're here, welcome. Pull up a chair, post as much as you want (there is no "too long" post) get to know us and find a place at the table. There's lots of room for all of us.
I just wanted to welcome you to the board. Others have said it pretty clear - you're here to learn to keep your side of the fence clean regardless what your AH does in recovery or not.
I emphasize finding face-to-face meetings. They are my lifesaver. Message boards are great, too, but they just do not compare to real human to human interaction. When you go to your first meeting, pick up a newcomer's packet full of the free literature and start reading. Get to at least six meetings as close together as possible before you make up your mind if Al-Anon is for you or not. If you like the program, start looking for a sponsor, and start working the steps.
Thank you all so much for responding. As I thought about things today at work I realized that even though he never harmed me phycially or emotionally, there were/ are relationship strains and in some ways I think that hurts me more. I am a doer and a care giver.. dully noted by the ladies at the reception area at rehab today. They have noticed that I have been there almost every day dropping something off to him.. either more clothes or smokes. One lady said that I have to stop it. Put my foot down and say no. That is so hard for me to do and at the same time it is all I want to do. Not that it is out of my way. I pass by on my way home but still.. They told me to have him figure out what he needs for the week and that I need to tell him that I will drop it off on visiting day. He has gotten so used to me doing most everything. He is even trying to find out if he can leave the dirty laundry for me to pick up!! Yeah.. I asked them to tell him no he has to do it there himself. Still waiting to see if that works. Speaking of which I get to see him for the first time this weekend and I can't wait but I am also scared. I can't remember the last time that I spent any time with Hubby when he was sober. Sad huh? Anyway, thanks again. I plan on making this site part of my evening computer time when I have the time.
Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and just a touch of humor (good for the 
). I too wanted to help my hubby. I learned as much as I could (so I thought) about the disease. When he went into rehab I went to the required meetings before visitation. What I didn't do was find Alanon until much later, after several relapses. This board has been a lifesaver for me. Alanon has saved me more than once. 