I grew up in a an abusive, chaotic home where all the responsibiltiies were reversed.  My relationship with my two sisters was based on survival, shaming, blaming and competition for meager resources.  So i grew up as a magnet for an alcoholic who is active.  I grew up used to taking responsibility for other's actions, inappropriate behavior, acting out and volatile relationships.  There was not one minute in my childhood that was peaceful, loving, carefree or "warm".  I mistook a lot of the active alcohlics manipulative as "warmth", "kindness", interest and caring because I was basically starved of it as a child and an adult.  I felt over responsible for everything from the way the neighborhood was to the fact that my younger sister's child may have been born with fetal alcohol syndrome.  About the way I felt "useful" was to be over responsible, people pleasing and "enmeshed".  I had no idea of what my "worth" was as a separate person because of course I'd never been treated that way.  I also had very blurred ideas of what was "right" and "wrong" as there was no concept of "right" and wrong" for me as a child, there was cover-up, merging, threats and incredible secrecy.  I have learned well that active A's require a great deal of secrecy for their drinking to continue and as I'd been schooled in learning that
everything about me was shameful and a "secret" I felt very home at their world of denial.  Denial was after all how I learned to live, sleep, survive as a child in a world totally immersed in neglect, abuse and scrabbling for crumbs.

Al anon has given me a great deal but one I relish a great deal at this time is to shrug off the sense that I am responsible for anyone but me and my issues at this time.  Last year I felt tremendously responsible for the A's welfare, housing, health, emotional well being, future and more. Now I do not.  I had absolutely no resources last year, barely a penny to survive on and all I really had most of the time was this room where I came daily to chronicle the latest downfall of the A.  People here helped me in ways I cannot even catalogue or chronicle.   What helped me most was to share with people who did not judge, categorise, chastise or shame me. 

Now I am a different person who has great compassion for those who are struggling on a similar journey and I know that there is a way out.

I know last year there were days when I could hardly bear all the stuff the A piled on me, his health, his chaos, his mess, his homelessness, his problems with the law, his total abandonment, without this room I doubt I would have made it through that time.

maresie.