The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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So I find that I have made some new friends who live near me that I share similar upbringings with- well with the wife. Both of us come from dysfunctional homes with abuse, etc. Anyway, I find when I visit with them she and I often drink wine together and vent about our childhoods. Although this often, I think, turns into a back and forth contest about who had it worst. While her husband sits in the middle and mediates, supports, chiding in every once in a while- listen to her (or me)- so that we don't talk over one another. These people are very nice people and very supportive. Yet, I often find that for days following these visits I feel insecure about their opinion of me and embarrassed which makes me want to distance myself from them- then I feel guilty as they are so nice to me. I guess I am looking for some validation here that opening up to people is healthy and that what is going on here is perhaps my fear of being vulnerable- and not the opposite- that I am once again overexposing myself to others. I so want to be healthy and normal. haha I want to be able to let go of my insecurity about what others think of me- yet I also want to stop advertising my weaknesses and mistakes. Thanks for letting me share.
I find when I spend my time complaining about others, I always feel worse afterwards than when I started.
Complaining and gossiping never solves anything for me. It just keeps me locked into that world of "I'm right and they're wrong." And then I turn myself into a martyr for "putting up" with whatever and so on and so forth. I find it is very toxic to my serenity to get drawn into a conversation with another person where I'm telling people "Oh yah, you think YOU have it bad? Well look at what I went through?"
I find conversations like that are always very one-sided on my part and the other person's part. We're not really hearing the other person's full story, we're not even trying to offer positive approaches to the situation, we're just taking notes and then playing the "who's got it worst" game. Martyrdom, martyrdom, martyrdom.
See, I may complain about my AH sometimes in my Al-Anon meetings, but in the meetings, I'm usually guided by the group to keep the focus on myself and not turn it into a whole "he did this and that" kind of thing. I think it's part of the reason cross-talk isn't allowed in meetings, either - because I can definitely see how if a another member was in a place where they just needed to vent, too, that they could turn both our vents into a competition.
In any case, I really liked what I read in another post here in regards to worrying about other people's perceptions of me: "What you think of me is none of my business."
I find if I want to be a more positive person, I have to avoid getting drawn into gossiping, and if I find myself getting drawn into gossip, then I try to work my way out of it, and most importantly, work on not taking it personal in any way, shape or form, even if the other person is still trying to gossip. I might try to change the subject... I might find an excuse to leave... or if I'm feeling pretty serene in myself, I may stay and listen but not contribute to the negativity - but not in a "fix it" kind of way, either.
Let them have their anger - I don't need to take it on myself by participating via gossiping or becoming upset with them.
i struggle with this issue. That is one reason I do not drink anymore because it gets in the way of my judgment of issues. Even in therapy I have to continually check in with myself what am I going to share. i do take care to not make myself too vulnerable. I've been in therapy/recovery from my childhood now for 20/30 years it still hurts. I no longer share to lots of people that I was abused because I often felt like you do, raw and vulnerable. However over time I've found ways to share and confide that I am comfortable with. I am no longer an "open book" but I do share. I do not share openly about things I am not comfortable talking about.
When I "drank" I had less inhibition. In fact drinking led me to be "too open" about my childhood and my past and my "issues". I don't hide them but they are what I have to deal with rather than every one's elses property.
There are lots of strategies you can develop to deal with this. One is to start talking about other things. The other is to stop drinking and share without wine and see what that is like Another is to limit what you share. That is okay to do you know and others are to check in with yourself as you share.
I think its great to have people who you have things in common with but being boundaryless is difficult and hard to navigate. I was boundaryless my entire life, al anon has provided me ways to have boundaries without feeling awkward.
I have to wonder how theraputic trying to outdo eachother's childhood abuse is. That's living in the past, not the now. It probably would be better to see a professional if it's resolve that you want. I tend to apply the 3 C's to my past. I don't want to carry it with me all my life. Attempting to move forward might be a better strategy. You aren't the sum of your past. Yes, it leaves imprints on your brain, but the brain is not who you are. There's a spirit in there that needs nurturing and by doing so can bring you needed peace and serenity. The trick is seperating the two.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
