The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was chatting with a man last night. He wants me to date him. He sent me the following eMail regarding a conversation we had last night:
"Ah, yes, I remember. Sometimes I get fuzzy around evening conversations after long days and a glass of wine or two."
Ok, you guys know that I am very concerned about ever getting involved with an alcoholic again. Am I seeing the red flags correctly, or am I over-reacting?
I don't think you're over-reacting at all... it only makes sense that our "radar" is gonna be on high alert for potential drinking issues, and I think it's a "good wariness" to enter in with.... We don't need to jump to conclusions, but we DO need to go in with eyes wide open....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
This could be a clue OR... he may just be trying to "cover" in case he felt insecure?? If so he's just being a man. I wouldn't write him off because of one statement but I wouldn't get "close" to anyone until I knew more about their values/ lifestyle etc and (at least for me) chatting or emails would not give me any idea of who the person really is ... that could only be determined in person.
I know there is alot of myspace, dating sites etc. to me I can't get in my mind how this is actually getting to know someone really? Seems dangerous and like it opens doors for lies and deception.
But hey, my brother is dating a girl who he really, really, likes he met through match.com and I've heard of others--guess it just depends on how much expectations you put on the "relationship" prior to actually spending time together... I think for me that would be the key point.
There's a reason you came to Al-Anon... it's because you had a problem with someone else's drinking.
Personally, if I were already picking at it right now, then I would think that I personally need some more work and that perhaps I should put the relationship in slow-mo and work at just being friends for the time being if I liked the guy.
In any case, if I were triggered by something someone related to drinking, then I know I still have a problem with it.
I believe that I now have the strength to watch and see what actually happens and run not walk when I decide it's not working for ME anymore! In my opinion, it doesn't matter if he drinks or not, it's how you feel about his drinking or not. There are plenty of fish in the sea, although I haven't found one in almost two years... nonetheless I know it's true LOL.
I don't think one off-hand comment about drinking is enough of a case to build for calling it off. Have you met this guy? What else do you know about him?
However, if ANY drinking at all is a deal-breaker for you, then maybe he's not "the one".
Personally - I wouldn't have a huge issue with a guy who had a glass of wine or two, but I know my radar would be on for awhile. I don't think I'm hyper-vigilant when it comes to looking for red flags, but I am at least aware of them.
Only you know what's right for your comfort level.
Well I can only give you my own ESH that is in meeting someone on line that I look for stuff to screen them out. Drinking is a sign, not having a job is a sign, living with their mother is a sign. I would not want to be with someone who drinks daily nor a binge drinker. If I hear "bar" a lot in someone's conversation then that is an "out" for me. The A who I was with didn't reveal his drug stuff for a long long time, he alleged his last girlfriend was an addict when the reality was they "both" were. I tend to veer towards my gut feeling. I had no "signs" before. I felt tremendous comfortable around alcoholics. I felt tremendously comfortable around people who were really dysfunctional for a long long time. Now I don't.
You are in a whole new world. As CG says there are lots of people out there. Look for the right one. Screen screen and then screen some more.
If you are seeing red flags then just trust your instincts... And remember why you are here...
I have been in a simiar situation recently, and i had to take myself back to my relationship with my A, and i had to remind myself why i broke it off. I had to remind myself that even though i am lonely on a daily basis, i was just as lonely (and extremely sad) whilst i was in the realtionship. And for me, it wasnt worth it to start up a new relationship where it could potentially be a similar situation. I couldnt deal with that type of heartache again. I've learnt what is good for me, and no one will care for my well being as much as i will...
I now go with my gut feeling. its amazing how spot on our intuition can be.
