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HI all, i havent posted in over a year. I broke up with my A last year because i couldnt deal with the drink anymore, and since then i have been so happy...most days.
But recently i have been bumping into old friends whom i havent seen in a long time, so im finding myself explaining the breakup. It seems that NO ONE understands what an issue the alcoholism was for me. They have seen my A recently, and knew he was in A.A yet they think it was ok to sit there and have a couple of drinks with him, because he wasnt drinking as much as he used to., and surely a couple of drinks wont hurt.
I just explain to them that i hope they never have to live with an alcoholic, and if they did, they would understand...yet they look at me like i am crazy.
so now i am crying and confused... i know i did the right thing for myself... why do i feel so awful... and why do i feel like i have to justify my actions to everyone.
I would guess you are crying and upset because it hurts. Alot. And that's ok. I haven't found one person outside these rooms who really understands what living with an A (dry, sober or active) is like. They just do not get it. And I'm with you, I would never wish it on anyone. So, you're at another part of your grieveing maybe. It's a process, you will get thru this too. It will become less and less until it doesn't matter a whole lot anymore and something else will draw your attention. Hang in there!!!
You said you haven't posted in over a year. Have you gone to any local meetings in that time?
The topic of the meeting I attended last nite, was "why do I keep coming back?"
I have been divorced from my A for over 3 years now. No active alcoholism in my life. I keep coming back because just because the A is gone from my life, that does not remove the affects that the family disease of alcoholism had and continues to have on me. It has taken me this time of working on me to get to a place where the hurt is nearly gone. Working the steps was and is the key to getting free of all the "junk" I have in me.
That the majority of people outside of these programs, even those that DO live with alcoholism don't understand, is a given. I know I sure didn't understand truly what alcoholism is even when I was embracing it daily....it took al-anon to educate me.
i guess i thought that when i finished my relationship with my A, that my relationship with the actual drink would not disturb me so much. I thought if i would stay with my A, that i would be forced to live a life of coping with the matter...and that would mean giving up my time and my life to go to meetings, instead of being able to just have fun.
Obviously, if i stayed with him, i would have needed the f2f meetings more regularly, and they would become the most important part of my life... but i never realised just how much i have been damaged by this, and how i probably do need to go to meetings til i am healed... I didnt want my life to be ruled by this disease!!!!!!! looks like i have no choice.
Arty I always say, he has a terrible disease,he is an addict. Addicts are very difficult to live with. It is like living with a sick teenager.
I love him very much but his disease was pulling me down too.
Also the old standby,"what makes you ask?" love you hon,debilyn oh and also,alanon alanon alanon.
Meetings,books,chat,come here,pm us, you will feel different the more you learn hon.Just becuz the A is gone, does not mean we are done healing. It is recovery, we will be in that mode probably forever.
Are you kidding arty? Your choices have just begun!!! Your life can be ruled by YOU! Not him or his disease! You have chosen a path for yourself! You never have to date, live with or react to another A for as long as you live if you choose NOT to!!! This program is strickly for you and your healing and your support. A friend of mine said she sat in her meeting and they challanged her to NOT mention her A for the entire hour. It was the hardest thing she had done but she did it and it was eye opening. She could actually not talk about him or his disease. She could focus on herself, her positives, her defects and start changing herself to be whom she wanted to be. What a gift this program is. You are worth it!
Dunno.... but I have found, to some extent, that the ONLY people who really understand are those of us who have experienced it for ourselves..... So I had to change my approach with some of my friends, and just "be friends" with them, and put up boundaries of things I really wouldn't go to them with or share with them, as it was not fair to either one of us....
"What you think of me is none of my business" comes to mind, as you don't have to justify your actions/thoughts/situation to anyone but yourself (and likely your HP), in the long run....
Your "true" friends will trust and respect this from you.....
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I recall seeing a phrase, "Al-Anon is not my whole life, but it makes my life whole."
I think many of us begin in Al-Anon with the thoughts of "why do I have to attend meetings...I'm not the Alcoholic...I don't want to have to do this all my life...", etc.
Another poster mentioned the challenge of sitting in a meeting and not mentioning the A at all, to just have to focus on self, and what an eye-opener that can be. I personally have had someone tell me "You have the he he he's", meaning all I was doing was saying "he this... he that..." *smile*
Once I learned to focus on myself, on how this disease had personally affected me... wow! What I learn in Al-Anon helps me to live life in a fuller, healthy way. I've learned why I reacted the way I did, what influences in life affected my choices and how I can change those. We use the principles we learn here in program "in all our affairs"... that means in every facet of our life, in everything we deal with. Al-Anon can show us where we might be lacking in something that we need in order to make our life well-rounded and healthy. It's a great program for pointing us in the right direction if we truly work the program. It's a journey of self-discovery and for many, the discovery of how to find joy in life. You don't need to be sitting in a meeting in order to practice the principles. Meetings do help though to remind us, to teach us more (there's always something new to learn), and also sharing with newcomers which can be so rewarding also.
Keep coming back (((((((arty)))))))
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
The disease of alcoholism is everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
I honestly don't see distancing yourself from an A as your suddenly being cured of the worries living with one creates. I've learned, personally, that I have a pattern of being drawn to or attracting addicts/substance abusers/alcoholics. I left my ex who was a pot addict and dry drunk... I told myself "never again will I date someone who uses drugs!!"
Along comes my AH... he doesn't use drugs. Perfect!!! Oooh... he does drink, though, but he only drinks at social occasions, and even then not that often at those occasions.
Woops! AH starts drinking at more and more social occasions. AH starts drinking on non-social occasions. AH is bringing home a six pack every other night. AH is bringing home a six pack a night...
For me, I've learned that there is one common denominator in my pattern of relationships - and I'M the common denominator. That means there's something about me that's just not "okay" and that needs work. There's something about me that consistently looks to others to provide me with happiness. There's something about me that convinced myself that happiness can only be found from outside of myself instead of from within.
Al-Anon is changing that for me. And whether I stay with my AH or if we end up parting ways some day, I honestly feel I've found a wonderful program that helps me to keep the focus on myself.
I don't look at Al-Anon as these negative time-consuming meetings that prevent me from having fun.
Honestly... it's only ONE hour out of my whole day, and I only go three to four times a week. What would I normally be doing with that hour if I weren't at the meeting? HONESTLY, probably nothing productive at all. I'd be sitting on my bum watching television or building mountains out of molehills and burning up ENTIRE DAYS crying and worrying about some situation that's out of my control - be it my A or someone or something else.
I love going to my face-to-face meetings... and then, yes, there are some days where I reach "heavy thinking burnout" and give myself a break and permission to do something OTHER than go to a meeting. But it's interesting... it's like exercise. I might not feel like going to meetings on some occasions, but if I decide not to go, later on in the day, I find myself kind of wishing I'd gone, or if not that, I still find myself picking up Al-Anon material and reading it or coming here. Like exercise, I can convince myself not to do it, but I can tell you later on in the evening when I'm ready to go to bed, I'll start to wish I hadn't skipped it - I always feel better after doing it.
I like what Kis said: "Al-Anon is not my whole life, but it makes my life whole."
I feel if anything I have a much more fulfilling life right NOW, a little over three months into the program, than I had before I started coming to the meetings. And I'm accomplishing this fulfilling life still living with my A! Something I never would have thought possible before Al-Anon.
I recently noted that things like this make me sad because I desperately want everyone to love me and understand me.
I also totally agree that those who have not been with an A can not understand.
Even those that have been with an A, maybe are not willing or wanting to look at the harm still will not understand, they may wonder why we can't just join the "party". I will let them be...
What means the most to me is that after several years of feeling weird, like maybe the problem was all me, like maybe I was depressed or had low self esteem or maybe I was just plain crazy.... at some point for some reason I walked into an alanon meeting and discovered others who had felt what I felt, understood and cared and had a some answers... some direction... I found some hope!! Now I still want everyone to love me..lol... but at least now I know it's just some of my programming and it's not a life or death issue. I can be okay ... even if someone doesn't like or agree or with me.. because it's not about me it's about them... you see... there is hope.. and that hope is why I will stay in alanon no matter what happens with my A!!
You have put words to how I feel also. I have really gained wisdom from you and all of replies too. I had become isolated for several years raising young children and made time to find new friends to walk & talk with but now these friends are difficult for me to relate to or I question if it was even a healthy friendship to begin with. I am slowly making friends at f2f because I can relate to how they think and how they want to change - I use to feel like a wierd bird but I am so comfortable with al anon friends.
thanks for sharing hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I use to take my AHsober's inventory when talking to friends. And I would he left me, he's bad, he's this and that. In Alanon I have learned to focus on myself. I think alcoholism is a big part of my AHsober life and what he does but I am leaving it up to him to say why we aren't together (because I really don't know why). If people ask now about why this and that I say you will have to ask the AHsober. Then they can get his version and not my distorted one. Yes, and for me after three years it still hurts but I am creating a life for myself without him.
See those red letters up there? They are words quoted from your post. It is ok to cry and to feel "awful" for what might have been. Still, there is no need for you to explain yourself to anyone. One of the rules I live by is to never defend myself or explain my words or actions to anyone. Life's a lot easier with this rule in place. *grin*
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
