The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Once you detach a little you begin to notice things you didn't really see clearly before. Behaviors that are so self defeating for A and myself.
He says he wants to change certain things. Be more responsible, make a better plan for dealing with his money. Do more to help our around house, and drink less.Even says he wants to go to doctor.But he has said the same things for a long long time.
AS if he he waiting for me to come up with plan and then force him to adhere to plan...but then he would feel (and be ) controled and rebel against it??
Good intentions.... until I stop enableing him and maybe even then I don't think any real changes will occur.
Oh well at least I see it- that is a change, courage to change right??
Oh really odd, in one breath tonight he talks about how much he wants us to "work out" and how he wants to get ahead financially. Then he says he wants to go on "get away" weekend with me --not something we plan out but ...this weekend for mothers day, which would take me away from daughters on mothers day... could he really not understand holidays enough to think this is a good idea. AND I know he is trying to be sweet because he has a dirt bike race that this would cause him to miss if we went away... and missingh that would be a huge effort on his part - he is as addicted to racing as he is beer almost really.....but I would be most happy with a budget and planning a weekend ... say several weeks down the road, so it wouldn't be spending "water bill" money etc....Not that I can't make up the difference but I don't want to have to.
He's not so much selfish with money as really really irresponsible. Or does he think this "get away weekend" can justify his continued "wreckless spending" - Like trying to get someone to do drugs or gamble or whatever... so you feel better about your behavior... Doesn't matter I'm not spending weekend away... just all seems odd....and he mentioned this when sober too??
Same thing as we talk about nasty cat litter pan (his cat not mine) and how I'm always the one to empty it and he says he will do it more often... so I leave it for days waiting for him to do as he says he will... and it stinks and it gets more full and I will probably empty it ... because I can't stand the smell... I even nicely/ lightly reminded him when I noticed he didn't and he said he would? Then it's still there just as nasty as ever. I want to give cat away- or take her to a shelter because of this... can't stand it would take him less than five minutes.. Is this a power play...saying he will do it and then not? Seems like it?
Sounds like typical behavior to me. We talk alot about control issues here on our side but the fact is A's have some MAJOR control issues also. The drink is only 1 percent of the disease. There is the other 99 percent that is mental. So, we, as alanons might try to control their drinking, their not drinking and do so right out in the open (dumping bottles, taking car keys, begging, pleading) but A's are far more slick with their atempts at control. They don't do it the way we do, but they do it. They do it to get what they want just as we do. Different motives, same control.
But, what can we do? Well, you sound like you are doing it. Solution to the cat issue, get rid of the cat. Solution to overspending on a weekend that really isn't about you two rekindling the flames, don't go. Nice idea but not so nice if it puts you behind on other bills and takes you away from your kids on Mother's day. Sounds a bit inconsiderate of him to even suggest that sort of thing. He didn't suggest a nice brunch, breakfast in bed or an afternoon all about you and the kids. He wanted to do what he wanted to do.
My ex was always going on and on about his "big plans" and then just sat there. I would tell him "great idea! Let me know if you need my help with something." And then just wait. I wasn't about to jump in with both feet and make his dream mine because when I did that, he sat down and let me do all of the work. Just built resentments on both parts.
Yes a lot of the time their odd thinking is just another form of keeping us off balance and under their control. My AH was famous for telling me he would do something and then just not doing it. Things like the cat box never got done unless I hounded him or just did it myself. If I hounded him I think he liked it better(see how I can get her to act like a raving lunatic). He could get all resentful about it and justify his own bad behavior. Most of his manipulations were geared toward making me act badly for him to justify bad behavior on his part. (We have talked about this at length now that he has some time sober. He seemed at times to be almost amazed at how clever yet how rediculously stupid this all was.)
Anyway, You seem to have some solutions in front of you. I hope you enjoy your Mothers' Day weekend with the kids. I think we are going to finally build my greenhouse on Sunday if the weather is nice.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
