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Hello all....I'm brand new to this site. My brother, age 51, has been in the hospital for almost three weeks now. We were worried when we couldn't contact him and had a friend of his go by my brother's apartment. They gained entry and found him on the floor completely delusional. He was immediately taken by rescue to the emergency room and later admitted. The evaluation at the time said acute alcohol withdrawal. The admitting physician did run several tests to check for anything else but it appears all alcohol related. The previous week I visited him and was extremely alarmed by his physical appearance and demeanor. He seemed slightly confused and very worn down. He also had a gray color. His health had been a concern for quite awhile and no matter how much we, being his friends and myself tried to get him to go get attention, he refused. Now he's in the hospital. First he was not in ICU but later transfereed there due to possible pnuemonia. He was put on a ventilator and given antibiotics. He just got off of the ventilator today (on it for week). His physical condition is very weak. He has been tube fed almost since he was admitted and still has the tube in. His mental state seems to have gotten worse since he was admitted. I thought that that might improve a bit but he is still very lethargic and unaware of date, time,etc. The doctors have told me that this is a case of alcohol encephalopathy....possibly Wernike(sp?) and Karsakoffs. I am so distressed about this I can hardly get through the day without breaking up. I an pretty much his only family. I know he was drinking quite a bit since a job change but still never missed a day. I question how his mental state could take such a dramatic turn for the worse since I last spoke with him prior to his hospital admission. I was even suspecting that he had been slipped something but the doctor seemed to think the only drug involved is alcohol. Any insight anyone could offer me about this would be very welcome. I am trying to fight feelings of guilt that I didn't force him to seek medical attention. My thoughts are all over the place regarding this.
welcome to this group. I am certainly well aware of what it is to be around someone who is destroying themselves with alcohol. We adopt an attitude of the 3 c's here, we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it. Before you jump into thinking that's too flip its one way to look at something that is baffling incomprehensible and totally out of control. There are ways for you to be caring of your brother and at the same time protect yourself. Many of us adopt an attitude of over responsibility which is something like you have, what you"should" have done, what you "could" have done. No one but no one can "make" someone stop drinking. We have all "tried" here and we all got the same results, it has to be the alcoholic themselves who decides to do that and generally they need help (but not necessarily the kind we think they do).
Of course you are upset, angry, grief stricken, shocked, dismayed, alarmed, overwhelmed, welcome to the club we have all been there! There are certain techniques you can learn of how to manage that state of being in complete and absolute horror at an alcoholic's actions. One of them is to detach with love, fully accept that you simply cannot make them "stop" no matter how you plead, beg, shout, scream, make bargins, whatever, it is entirely up to them if they decide to get sober.
Your brother having had this life threatening event may choose to get sober, he may not. The decision is his and his alone and that is a hard fact.
I lived with an alcoholic for 7 years, a year ago he totally broke down, became homeless, sick and totally self destructive. I nearly destroyed myself and everything around me trying to get him to stop. Eventually I realised I couldn't and detached. Some people in this room have experienced being around alcoholics who choose sobriety and that is a entirely different journey (although not necessarily one free from problems). There is no guarantee with anyone that they will choose to stay sober. For me it was essential to learn many of the Al anon tools to survive what I did, breaking it down into one day at a time, taking care of myself, I had neglected msyelf terribly and more.
Please come here often, get to a face to face meeting if you can, go to the online meetings here (twice a day) and come here and post often. You are very welcome to be here and deserve, help, serenity and peace after your ordeal.
Welcome JohnL, and hope you learn and stay with us at MIP. Sounds to me like your brother is an alcoholic, with some pretty serious medical conditions as a result of that.... Try not to "beat yourself up" of anything that you did or didn't do to get him to seek help - it would have more than likely been met with resistance and denial.... There is an old saying in Al-Anon, that "you did the best you could, with what you knew at the time".
I would encourage you to get yourself to face-to-face Al-Anon meetings in your area, post and read shares on here, and read good books on the subject.... I strongly recommend "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews..... It was a virtual lifesaver for me, and taught me soooo much.
"He will either drink, or he won't... .what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks so much for the responses. I must say that I'm not a stranger to alcoholics. Our Dad was one. He passed away in '02. I have vivid memories of the times he used to drink. He finally "put it down" with the help of AA and other support. He never forgave himself for what he thought he put us through. I know we certainly forgave him and the pain was worse for him than it was for us. My concern now is that my brother will not recover mentally from what has happened. I know it took many years of him drinking(never drugs) and he never missed a day of work in his life. Over the past couple of years he began to lose more weight and complain about physical ailments although he wouldn't address them. Has anyone had experience with the resulting cognitive issues with the ecephalothopy? Right now he is still in ICU , lethargic and not really aware of what's happening. I pray that this is not the way he'll be from here on out. It's almost like Alzheimers. It is really tearing me up.
Alcohol, or lack of can wreak havoc on the body and brain. The toxins that are released can make a newly detoxed person pretty mentally whacked out. I can't say how your bro's medical condition will turn out but I can tell you that after my husband detoxed his cognative thinking was about that of a person with severe dimentia and was quite messed up for about 4 months. I was afraid that he would never get better but slowly he regained his mental abilities.
He went through pneumonia and renal failure and most of the time didn't have a clue what was going on. We came close to losing him twice. When the medical issues were taken care of he came home. He was very unstable physically and mentally. He would do/say very off the wall things... Answer questions that I didn't ask, try to take his meds after he had just taken them, fall down, he couldn't even add single digits. I had to shadow him when he got up and walked because he fell so often. I got up in the middle of the night if he did. I showered and shaved him...You get the picture.
The good news is he is over 2 yrs sober and better then ever. He's back to work and is a Project Controls Engineer, working for BP in Anchorage. Miracles happen!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My younger siser was once in full DT's and shaking and trembling from withdrawal. Believe me the hospital have a lot of experience dealing with people who are in full withdrawal. They will be able to help.
There are lots of people on this board who have dealt with relatives/spouses/who were near death from alcoholism. The issue is that you need to take care of you rather than get totally overwrought worrying about him. Worry is not gong to change the situation. So please be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up, set limits on how much you obsess (we call that detaching) and ask for help. We are there for you.
Thank you for the responses and for sharing your own very personal experiences. It's a real comfort, let me tell you. The latest today is that my brother is improving ...slowly but it is improvement. That's the physical part....I'm still concerned about the mental part. I just pray that his cognitive will improve over time. I have a family member who is head of a rehab/nursing facility and he's agreed to admit my brother when he is dischraged from the hospital. It will have to be disability/medicaid and we're working on that now. I hope that being in an environment away from the one he was in will aid in his total recovery...I guess we'll see with time. I'll do anything I can but I know he has to do his part as well. If you all don't mind I would like to post updates on how this progresses. Thanks again for the warm welcome.
Welcome to MIP! Please come back and post often. There are many caring people on this board.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
John: It sounds like you have done everything possible for your brother. Now its up to him to decide he wants to be sober, he may and he may not. None of us have any control over that. I hope you will post how you are feeling and what you are doing to take care of you during this crisis.
Just an update....The hospital now wants to insert a "stomach" type feeding tube. My brother has been on a nasal tube almost since he was admitted. They continue to try the swallow test and he can't do it without aspirating. I can't believe there is no other choice. He is concious and recognizes friends but still doesn't know really what the situation is. He is also incontinent and can't walk. It seems that he just has not gotten better at all in the almost month that he has been in. Is there anyone that has heard or gone through anything similar where I can have a bit of hope?
