"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

cara33 · Member

son leaving for rehab @ 1:30 today

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Cara, I have no advice to share with you on this one. But as a ferociously devoted mother myself, I find that I cannot even begin to imagine the heartbreak of having an addicted child. Into adulthood and older, they will always be our babies, and I certainly understand why you "stink" at the "tough love" method. The instinct to care for them never goes away.

Please know that I hold you and your son close in my prayers and positive thoughts.

Good luck to you both,

Diva

cara33 · Member

Thanks Diva
It HAS been excrutiating watching my son suffer through this.
I am optimistic about rehab, but I am scared to death that "this is IT"
If he does not make it this time, I know it will be with him for a VERY very long time, if not forever.
You see, most of the people in his 'other side of the family' are addicts. I divored his father in 1994 to get him away from it. It has been a nightmare for me.

I will stick around and try to learn those 12 steps. cause i dont know what else to do at this point.
I am hoping and praying hard HARD HARD!!
My son is 20 years old by the way... this has been going on for about 2 - 1/2 years. His DOC is opiates, oxy, perc, heroin, and I am sure things I have never heard of... He is mostly open with me. We fight alot. I know too much and we are too close. He knows me so well.
We have been referred to as 'an old married couple' and brother and sister"
I always like the 'brother and sister' thing cause that meant I did not look as old... lol

Thanks for your reply and I will be sticking around.
cara

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cara.... sounds like you are already doing many of the very good and solid things to help yourself learn, and focus on YOU during this time, and the future.... Take full advantage of the offers of counselling, and Q&A sessions with the counsellors and administration at the Rehab facility... They are typically a wonderful resource as well....

One book I would highly recommend would be "Getting Them Sober" (particularly volume one), by Toby Rice Drews... In a nutshell, it explains, in wonderful terms, that "if you really love your A, then get yourself healthy"...

Glad you made it here, and keep coming back...

Tom

Rodney Cochran · Member

Cara33, there is one way you can get some quick information on the subject of Rehab. If you will click on SEARCH in the middle at the top of the page where you posted your question. Then type in rehab. You will see questions other members have posted over the last several months. Maybe some of the questions or responses will help you. Another thing that that is really important is to find where an Al-Anon meeting is in your area. Having a face to face meeting with other people who have been through what you are going through is so important. There will be people at an Al-Anon meeting that can give you additional support. Cara, The three things that will be most important for you will be MIP, Al-Anon meetings and your Higher power. We are so glad you are here, you came to the right place. Rodney

cara33 · Member

Thanks for your replies and sorry for taking so long to get back to you....

Yesterday.... getting him settled into rehab took a lot longer than I thought... which was just fine. I would have stayed all day if needed
Came home last night around 5:30 only to have to leave again to go sit with ailing granny at my sisters house until 11:30pm
Worked most of the day and here I am !

I have found an Alanon group about 10 minutes from my house. I am seeing a one on one counselor every thursday now as well.
Saturday is orientation at the rehab and I will be there early.!! 12:30pm - 3:30pm
Looking forward to it.
I will find out then what ''classes' they offer there and I will attend them as well.

Thanks for the name of that book! I will look it up on line and get it immed. I am indeed UN-healthy right now and am just becoming aware of that. and understanding it.
I am on a mission to be strong and "brainwash" myself into learning not to be an enabler. (for lack of a better way to say that). I have struggled with myself for WAY too long. I am scared! I dont know if I can do it ! I have 30 days (hopefully) to learn how to become a stronger person for my sake and my sons sake.
Thanks too for directing me to helpful pages here on this website.

I will be hanging around!
cara

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I would also recommend works by Melody Beattie and Pia Melody on codependence. Any of the al anon texts are excellent. One other thing I would recommend is to post here daily, get as much feedback, support, love and care as you can. It sounds like you have quite a life of caring for others, how do you care for you. I do not think of myself as a stronger person these days. I had to be incredibly strong to live with an active alcoholic and not die! I think we are different, not necessarily better or worse but different in recovery. I did not get into recovery for anyone else but me.

I can't say I am less of an enabler today, I know that if an alcoholic wants to keep drinking they will regardless of what I do or whether I "help" or not. There is absolutely nothing I can do, say, act, think that will make an alcoholic stop drinking, quite a relief in some ways to take that pressure off myself. Nevertheless I do actively do things in my life that will help me get less 'enmeshed' with people who are dysfunctional in my life.

I was totally enmeshed before and thought that devotion to others meant caring when in fact I had tremendous resentment about it so I'm not sure it really was too caring after all. What I give these days (which is much less) is more freely given and less contingent on my wanting them to be "other" than what they are. I can't say I do that in terms of being a wonderful person either (which I thought I was when I was absoloutely saturated with resentment) but in terms of my limits and my boundaries rather than what I should/could or ought to do.

maresie.

mel123 · Senior Member

Hi Cara,

I feel you pain and anxiety. I am in your shoes. I have a son who is almost 22. He wants so bad to be clean and sober, and I do believe someday he will..... I will be praying for you and your son that this rehab will change his life. I know God is in the business of changing lives....... This is what I trust. Take care of yourself and pray for your son.
May God Bless,
mel123

cara33 · Member

Good Morning and thanks for your thoughts..

Today is my sons 2nd full day in rehab.... I talked to him yesterday briefly after a lady called me to introduce herself as his detox counselor.
He said he is a little sweaty... but no severe withdraw yet.

Hi Mel, I am meeting more and more moms like us. Thanks for your prayers. Ive been praying hard for so long. In the last few months I have been including so many others in my prayers (like you) it is has been an eye opener to me to know just how many of us are going through this challenge. I am not sure where your son is in his recovery, but I hope he is hanging in there! good to know you mel

...I am trying not to dwell on what is going on with him right now. It is hard, but I know this time is precious while he is away. I need to be working on my strength to deal with this when he comes home. 30 days will be here before you know it. Today I have counseling.

The "enabler" is a touchy thing....... Do you ever stop and think that it is the addict that finds his personal enabler.... they would never be with someone who said "screw you, you bum" They would never be with someone that turned their back on them and walked away...they PICK us ... they may not know it or plan it, but the DO pick us in a way.... What addict do you know that is NOT with an enabler? My X husband found one..... my son's NEW gf is a weepy mess. He broke it off with his OLD gf when all this started. she WOULD never put up with this crap.
So now.... he has found his enabler....
Hang in there maresie!

Yesterday (for some reason) I had the strangest thought...I dont know why I had not thought it before....I was just heating my coffee in the microwave.... when bam!......

What if I screwed up something..... I dont know, like dropped a glass jar of mustard on my outdoor patio... and it shattered and mustard went all over the place... and someone came running up behind me and said...."dont you worry about that" I will clean it up" .... and this type of thing happened with everything in my life.... dirty dishes.... messes.... laundry.....
Someone always behind me saying "you just go do what you want, I will take care of this for you"
I dont know... I guess I just never put myself in my sons shoes... or thinking about it that way... I always focus on the drugs, drugs, drugs,
So would I (if treated this way) ever really worry or be careful about anything I did? If someone was gonna clean up my messes for me everytime....

I guess this sounds kinda goofy... because I have been TOLD numerous times that I do too much for him... I just NEVER actually played it out in my head that way before...It kinda stopped me in my tracks...

So I thought Ohhhhhh! okay! EVEN I would stop worrying about anything I did... how could you not... someone always there to fix it...
I dont know.... it was a really strange feeling... maybe I am just 'slow' or challenged in that way, Is it normal to take this long to actually 'GET IT"????

cara

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you are doing really great. This revelation you have had is a huge step in the right direction. I have also taken it one step further. What if that person came along behind you and said," Oh don't worry I know its hard for you. I know you just can't clean up a mess like this." Imagine how you'd not only feel no need to be responsible for your own actions, but actually feel incompetent to do so.

I realised this when I had read Melody Beaties' Codependent No More and my husband made a comment about his A dad when he was thinking of talking to him about his own addiction. He said," I don't know if I can tell him. It'd just KILL him." When he said that I just had to laugh. I told him" He may be dissapointed. He may be angry. He may deny it. But I very seriously doubt if it will KILL him." Then he laughed a little about it too, and we had a long talk about how disrespectful that kind of thinking is. His dad is an A so likes to appear incompetent, but he is very capable of being responsible for his own emotions, even if he chooses not to be.

Anyway, this is just my bit of experience. Hope it helps. Welcome to MIP!

In recovery,

cara33 · Member

Thanks Jen for 'taking that one step further'. You know I already feel like I have messed up in so many ways... by not doing 'enough' to have stopped this. I have asked myself all the questions that we, as enablers, have asked ourselves.

I am learning, but it is still so hard.
Son called today, told me he was leaving and he would walk home if he had to, on Sunday. He felt better, he could do it on his own now, yada yada yada

With my heart pounding in my chest and throat, If he left (after only 5 days)to keep on walking and not to walk here.... if he left I would pack up the rest of his clothes and leave them at the driveway... he only has one other place to go and that would be his fathers (who is a heroin addict)
"is that what you want me to do?" he said... send me there so I start using again?
I told him if he used again it is because he chose to use again not because I would not let him home. He tried playing me for a little while and then hung up on me...
long story short, he called tonight and said he needed me to bring the rest of his clothes, laundry detergant, and money for a AA book. (only reading material he is allowed)
I said okay and I would be there tomorrow for orientation.

Thanks for your reply jen! I will keep your words with me. hope you are doing well!!!
cara

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"