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I allowed my 58 yr old Alcoholic Brother tomove in w/ us. I thought he was rock bottom and thought this was a new beginning for him. Spent 6 months last year in jail for 4th dui...... Ha! We are 9 out of the past 11 days w/ him coming home drunk. We have 2 children and my 80 yr old Mother (w/ Alzheimer's) living with us. My hubby's father was an alcoholic and he swore his children would never be subjected to this. I feel kind of guilty, but really don't regret that we have given him a fair chance. He has disrespected us by sneaking alcohol into our home and it is time to set final boundaries. Any ideas on confronting him? He is not a happy go lucky drunk, he is more the belligerent type. I am a little nervous about it, just thought I 'd see if you guys have any ideas. I love him, but we cannot tolerate this around our children. Thanks for any thoughts you might have.....
Yeah, unfortunately taking him under your wing was enabling him. Instead of his having to go out and take care of himself, he found family to do it for him... and I wouldn't be surprised if after you remove him from your home if he goes to some other family or friend.
I honestly don't know how to go about kicking a person out. Haven't been there. Hopefully some of our other members know more.
In the meantime, are you getting to any face-to-face al-anon meetings? They definitely help a lot - even when your AB is out of the house, I'm sure there'll be a residual impact left on you and your family.
yes your heart was in the right place, however all we do when we allow them at our home,is make the disease comfortable and it gets worse.
Hon I did the same thing with my AH.He would be sick,come home,not use,get healthy then get right back to using.
It is devasting to children to have to live with an A.
I don't believe in this bottom thing.Makes no sense to me as even after they have years of recovery they relapse again.It is part of recovery.
What I see is if allowed to be miserable,some will get so tired of it and sick,they will do anything to stop "on their own."
When we house,feed,cloth,counsel them,give them rides,take them to rehab etc it is enabling. It is their disease,their choice and responsibility.
No, don't help them to do anything.Believe me they are crafty and could always get the drug,they can get to rehab AA etc.on their own.
glad you came here,come back. The skills of alanon can help you so very much.Their are meetings righthere on MIP.Also meetings around you face to face.They LOVE a new face and want you.
Yes, it is hard to get them out once they are in. Some suggestions would be, tell him first thing in the morning that he needs to be out today. I would not argue with him period. You could tell him that if he comes back drunk that day you will not let him in and you will call the police if he makes a scene. Of course this means you must follow through. Boundaries without real consequences are not boundaries. If he refuses to leave you could gather all his things while he is out and have them waiting on the porch when he gets back.
I know this sounds harsh, but you have kids to protect and you are doing your AB no favors by enabling him further. Also the lesson to your children that you will do what it takes to protect them is valuable. They will see that it is sometimes necessary to be firm in order to protect yourself from others bad behavior and it is ok to protect yourself, even from people you love.
I have a violent tempered AB too. I know how they can be. If I really needed back up, I'd arrainge for an officer to be there to help me get him out. I think they would much rather come in the morning to help avert a DV call later in the day. I would arrainge for the kids to stay at a friends house the night before if needed too. I'd just inform the parents that I have a delicate situation that I don't want them involved in.
Anyway, as we say here, take what you like and leave the rest. These are only suggestions. We don't give advice and can't make the right decisions for your famiy. But we do understand and we care.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Welcome to the MIP family. You have a lot on your plate right now, taking care of your mother as well as the rest of your family. For me, I would not allow him in the house. He has clearly broken the rules. You know addicts are a remarkably resourceful lot. They have friends that will allow them to stay, and they will continue to enable each other. It's one thing to be married to or involved with an A because there are often legal issues, financial and familial issues involved. If this were my sister (she is not an A by the way), I would not allow her to live with us. It sounds cold. She's an adult, she has choices to make. Good or bad choices they are up to her. Allow your brother the dignity of making those choices too. If he chooses to get sober and stay sober, and you want him in the house, that's fine. But if he doesn't and you don't want him in the house, then show him the door.
Try asking yourself this question: If this were any other person such as a friend, would you allow them to behave this way in your house? Think about what it does to the rest of the family. None of you need that. Setting a boundary of no drinking in the house does no good unless you enforce it. It's like grounding a child and sending them to their bedroom. If the bedroom has a TV, computer, phone and all their toys what good does it do? "Go ahead Mom and ground me! Cool! Get my point?" Whatever you decide, we will always be here for you without judgement. Please keep coming back. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
