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Post Info TOPIC: Courage to change


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 987
Date:
Courage to change


We have choices
we can leave
we can love and take care of ourselves
My A has only been gone for 2 and a half weeks.
Let me down got drunk has not been in touch since.
You see I have not rung him but would I be back in the cycle if he had rung me.
Why didnt I get out earlier
Why do I look after everyone and not me my needs
I have been very up and down I did love him think I stayed cause I hoped he would change (I COULD HELP HIM)
Now I know only he can and me being around loving and supporting him is not helping.

He has choices he has chose a life of partying over me.

I am letting go and letting god

I am going to concentrate on me think I have finally found the courage to change the only person I can ME.

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ESH


Senior Member

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Posts: 153
Date:

I, too, have been counting the days, weeks, months since last contact.  I went through (still going through) so many emotions:

1) Anxiety: will he call?  is he ok?  does he still love me?  does he hate me?  is he dead?

2) Anger/Rage: why?  why?  why?!!!

3) Depression: it's hopeless; it will never get better; I'm so lonely

4) Repeat 1-3

I think I'm more and more getting out of the number 1-4 loop now, though.  It took me some time, but I had a good day today... actually enjoyed life today instead of dreading it and wishing it would hurry up and be over.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 521
Date:

I began to make the most progress with my program when I came to that same realization.

THE ONLY ONE I CAN CHANGE IS ME.

Keep on working your program and you will recover no matter what HE chooses to do.

TakeCare of yourself.

Love,

Claudia



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A person's a person no matter how small  --Dr Suess


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2962
Date:

I liked ESH's share about the 3 phases.... and agree.... but then, after time, as we learn to value ourselves and our own feelings more.... we learn, bit by bit, to appreciate what we DO have, and sometimes we can even see it as a blessing that our A's are NOT in our lives on a daily basis anymore....

If you're like me, you're longing for what you "wanted it to be like", and not so much for what it was "actually like"....  I had to learn to journal, so I could continue to make that distinction....

Thanks for the share....  Enjoy your peaceful time.... and try doing something nice for YOU today!!!

T

__________________

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 

CJ


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 757
Date:

(((Tracy)))

Good subject.  I feel and see the progress of the program in my family group... from people at the brink of despair, to grateful, to happy.  Choices -- we make choices everyday.  One miracle of the program is learning that we are responsible for those choices -- noone else.  The A didn't choose whether I stayed or not.  The A didn't choose to for me to be a martyr.  I always had the ability to stay or to go -- for me, I think I stayed for as long as I did because of my own pride, righteousness, need to fix, and FEAR of losing so much.  When I finally decided to lead a different life.... I did.

I am happy; I hope all my family, here, can find happiness, also.
with love,
cj

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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 4578
Date:

Some of us have to build up to those choices. For me the choice of leaving was a hard one. I had to use all of the al anon tools to get to leave and even then its been hard going. I invested tremendously into that relationship, 7 years of my life, all my energy and time. I also had to detach as I was completely enmeshed. The choice wasn't so much stay or leave it was for me to live or die. My codependency was actively killing me. Even now I have to manage my rage at the A a great deal. I feel totally betrayed, abandoned, ripped off, smothered and submerged in rage some days. Other days the A's life and choices do not enter my head at all. I am coming up to one year of leaving him. I left him physically but leaving him emotionally was another stage of leaving. I felt over responsible for him the entire time and only through working this program did that dissipate.

maresie.

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maresie
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