The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that I'm married to an A... have known for years, lived in denial that it wasn't that bad... no beating, no trouble with the law, always living paycheck to paycheck....
Then about 2 years ago, he felt like he was having a heart attack and off to the hospital we went... turns out he has acid reflux disease and wouldn't you know it, attacks are triggered by.... duh? alcohol... thought maybe that would be his wake-up call to get some help but no...
Then a few months ago he gets popped for OWI (first offense) literally right outside the door of our apartment... now he's on probation, those offenses cost money and he's dropping close to $500 a month on trips to the bars... took his debit card away, cut up his credit card... he claims he wants help, that he feels like his life is out of control... so i get a list of meetings for him and tell him, "only you can do this"
See, I'm not really a stranger to Al-anon... I grew up in an Al-anon home but with no A around... so truthfully, I never really knew what A behavior was like... My grandmother was in Al-anon starting back in the sixties, right up until just a few months before she died... and when she died just a few years ago... you wouldn't believe how many women came to the funeral to tell my mother and I that Grandma had literally saved their lives by giving them hope and helping them heal...
But Grandma was the reason I never had to experience that in the first place... she left her A as soon as her youngest child was out of school, right about the time I was born.... a few years later, Grandpa was found dead, naked on the streets of Miami... he had run out of money for booze, gone into DTs and just died on the streets... sad, but that was his choice, his life...
Fast forward to my life... and here I am married to an A who I really do love... we've only been married ten years but believe me, we've been through a lot.... just months after we were married, I was diagnosed with BC at 25 years of age...
I know he loves me, I know I love him... but watching him kill himself with booze is just heartbreaking... and the money... we have nothing in savings because he literally drinks and pisses it away... he's not abusive, no physical stuff, he's one of those As that gets really emotional and feels sorry for himself when he's drunk... he lies to me about his drinking... lies about the money...
Anyway... I'm ready to pick up where Grandma left off and attend my first Al-anon meeting... but I have some questions and just need some encouragement...
I don't want to leave him but what can I do about this money situation where he just spends and I'm left worrying if the bills are going to get paid??
Can I, should I, how do I encourage his spoken desire to attend AA??? He claims he wants help but I'm not seeing the action of someone who wants help... I gave him a copy of local meetings and basically told him, the rest is up to him but that I would support him the best that I could...
Can I go to AA with him??? not to make sure he goes, that's not my problem but just to be supportive those first few times... I know he's scared, I know he has pride issues with admitting that this is beyond him... What is the best way to help him while I am helping myself??? Or is that beyond my scope...
Thanks.... been reading posts and feel like I know some of you already...
When things with my AH and I fell apart, I immediately separated our finances. I used to have direct deposit into our joint checking account - no more. I goes straight into my own account, and surprise, surprise, I actually have money left over every month while my AH is whining he's almost broke because he is always spending, spending spending... and not just on booze, he's a compulsive spender. What does he do when he's bored at home? He goes online and shops online. Buy, buy, buy, buy, buy.
When our finances were together, we'd always have just BARELY enough to pay all our bills every month because he was always out spending loads of money either on booze or other compulsive purchases.
Since the separation of our finances, I always have money left over to put into savings or put extra into paying off my credit cards. I ONLY pay my half of the bills - no more. If it gets to a point where he's unable to pay his half of the bills, well, then, I guess we'll just have to start doing without cable, and get cheaper cell phone services and so on - OR, maybe he'll LEARN to control his spending if he wants to have all those nice things and not be behind in bills all the time. The pressure will just build and build on HIM, because I'm paying my half of the bills, but he's not doing his part. We haven't quite got to that point yet - don't know if we will... hope not, but if it happens, it wasn't my fault.
Your giving him the AA meeting schedule is about the best you can do. You are right. The rest is up to him. If you attend with him, let that be his call, too. He might want you there the first couple times, but afterwards might want to do it on his own, which I think will be better for him because he'll feel safe to express his problems to others and not convince himself that he appears "less than" in front of you.
A win/win situation I would see is if you could find an Al-Anon meeting that happens at the same time as his AA meetings - in almost the same location, too so you can ride with each other and perhaps he could feel some mutual support there.
But seriously - don't push the issue, because it just puts you right back into that situation where you feel like you're having to control and fix him. You gave him the schedule, he KNOWS it's there, there are phone numbers for him to call if he's serious about going.
For you, you just get to face to face Al-Anon meetings whether he's seeking recovery through AA or not. That's where you keep your side of the fence clean. You'll learn how to maintain your serenity and not base your being able to be happy on what your AH does or does not do.
Amybear, Welcome to MIP. Aloha just gave you some wonderful advice. With that advice, Al-Anon, MIP, and your HP, you are on the road to recovery. It is also good that that you have some knowledge of Al-Alon because of your Grandma. I hope that one day you will be able to say the same thing to someone else, that the women said about your Grandma. I know you had to be so proud of her. All you have to do is walk in her shoes.Now, If you will do me one favor, please read Aloha's response one more time. Trust me she is right on. Remember, Al-Anon it works if you work it. Rodney
Your grandma left you a wonderful legacy of detachment, strength and self-reliance in the face of this monster of a disease. She truly was ahead of her time. You sound like you understand the basics of this program and what you can and can't do to help your A. I think your show of support is wonderful and without "control". I, too, agree with Aloha - and think that maybe if you find an Al-Anon meeting in the same location as the AA meeting, that the two of you could ride together. I used to do that with my A. It was something I think we both liked.
Welcome back!! Your Grandma came in was helped and in turn helped many and she left some recovery dna with you. You looked for the source and it is still here working and saving lives. Remarkable!! I remember women like your grandmother and you reminded me of another longtimer who also helped save my life. Wanda A from Central Valley CA. I will never forget her, her recovery, her family and alcoholic...she let me be a part of it and mostly she kept me on program.
You've done a very supportive thing by giving your alcoholic the meeting schedule and then detaching from his choice to either or either not go. I pray he does. I pray you also find face to face Al-Anon meetings to attend either in the same location or not. A lot of times the meetings are in the same location and that should not be the definite reason to attend. You have to go for you and then your recovery is anonymous. At this early stage can I suggest that you call the Al-Anon hotline number in your area and see if you can get the meeting schedule and the number of someone you can talk to about your situation. It will be like building a support system that you can lean on just as other women leaned on your Grandmother.
One of the things I learned in the program was how abusive this disease is. We say that "because this or that hasn't happened yet it isn't abusive" and that is our way of minimalizing what is already taking place and I learned that since this is a progressive disease all of the negative consquences are abusive and get progressively worse over time. Not facing the need for a courageous change and a program of recovery while continuing to drink is abusive. It wears on the mind, body, spirit and emotions. Leaving the spouse to worry about the bills and if they will or will not be paid while a large sum of money goes for compulsive drinking is abusive and will also get progressively worse.
Thank God for your Grandmother's legacy...you have a real chance at getting what she had.
Keep coming back, it works if you work it!! Had you witnessed your Grandmothers work in the program you might have heard her say that very same thing to many young newcomers just like yourself.
