The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband wants to go out with this couple and The man is one of the stray dogs he brought home and he wants to me and him to hang out with him and his wife, I told him i don't feel comfortable around those people. It just makes me sick to my stomach. I really hate this guy, i blame him for what he is doing with my husband, Drinking.
I wondered if some one has ever experienced anything like this. I hate them.
My exAH had a circle of friends that just turned my stomach. He was a parolee, and all his buddies were parolees too in spite of the fact it was against the terms of parole for any of them to be associating with each other.
I resented them coming in and out of our home, and in and out of our lives. I resented the hell out of all of them, period.
I believed that they were a bad influence on him. I thought if he would just quit associating with 'them', he could change and we'd be fine.
Now that I look back, I realize he chose to do what he did, and no amount of trying to keep him from those 'bad' influences did anything but create chaos and get me beaten more often. He went through in-patient rehab in 1986, and decided he didn't want recovery.
Alcoholics like to surround themselves with others like them because then they don't have to think they might have a problem. It justifies their lifestyle.
When I left him in 1986, he found someone else to enable his lifestyle, and she got to spend the next 20 years living with him.
I'm grateful that it was her, and not me.
He did move away from all of those friends, got off of parole, and still chose to do what he did. He was buried last year at the tender age of 47.
Today, I chose to remain removed from the effects of active alcoholism, and my bar of standards is set very high. I am worth it
-- Edited by Tenderheartsks at 12:03, 2008-05-03
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I won't say that I "hate" any of his/ our current friends however I know very much what you are dealing with.
I think the "healthy" thing for all of us to do is enjoy our lives and not spend our time with activities or people we don't enjoy-and I can't say I do that but am looking for ways to work on it and find a balance.
However there is a certain amount of give and take in every relationship.
If these are just people you don't care for I suppose my choice would be to go and try to make friends with them anyway.
If they are truely "toxic"-- drugs or crazy drinking and just really awful well perhaps I would set a boundry and not go. I know our (younger) neighbors invited us to go camping (decent kids, really nice to talk to, just this time were going camping and planning to get "torn up" the whole time. I just said No-- regardless of Aisms I am just too old and not at all interested in several days of "partying" so I guess it depend on the severity of the situation and what your boundries are.
He may go without you if you say No and I hope you would be able to be okay with that? I would struggle.
Similar choices I'm dealing with in my life now? Hope the best for you just want you to know I care.
I just had a similar situation, where my A fiance's alcoholic friends (drinking buddies from way back) asked both of us to go to a party where pretty much all they were going to do was drink themselves into the ground. I knew that if we went, he would get wasted and I would get mad at him for getting wasted and I'd drink too and probably end up smoking cigarettes, which I've worked very hard to quit.
So, I very nicely said that I didn't want to go directly to his friend, and told him that he could decide what he wanted to do. He decided not to go, but that didn't stop these people from spewing toxic hate over both of us for not going. Go figure.
But you know what? None of that mattered because I had a wonderful night, sober, watching a movie and having fun.
Do what's best FOR YOU. What's more important? Pleasing other people? Or being happy and sane?
I vote for happy and sane!
__________________
"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
Maybe it's time to make some boundaries for yourself. You do not have to subject yourself to drunk/drinking people. It's one thing to have a A spouse, but signing up for an evening with them is beyond what I could bring myself to do.
I read your other post too. The hurtful things he is saying to you are to redirect your attention from him. The more he makes you think you are the one with the problems, the more the focus is on you instead of him. It's a common alcoholic manipulation.
Take care of you however you see fit and is in your best interest. Remember, "NO" is a complete sentence. If you should decide not to go with them, make sure you have a fun alternative plan.
Take care, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
