The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ah and i have been married for 18 years and together 20. At first the only things we had in common was drinking. I think that should have been my sign. (i grew up with an AF and my mother suffered as us kids did) I really wish i could go back and change what happened and left. we never really talked in the beginning, i was affraid he would react like my dad, so i just went along with everything. we were married 10years and i got preggos, i thought at 39 i will not have an abortion, i stood up for what i wanted and i paid the price for that, (he wanted me to get an abortion because it would mess his life plans up, i think it scared him.) (also at that time i quit drinking and never started again, I think he lost his drinking partner)It took him a good 2 years to come around. our son is wonderful, as retirement and full time farming neared, things started to go into a new direction, we built our new house and after that all hell broke loose, he found new friends and they're the straydog types, moochers leechs, they new the fridge in the barn was full of beer and liquor, I tried to tell him this was not exceptable and please ask them to leave and i was told they are my friends . I finally snapped when for 2 weeks i found out that he was out in the barns every night with this guy and our 8 year old was by himself in the house until i got home at 11:00. I was so scared i couldn't catch my breath, what was he thinking, i still roll that through my mind, he says things like, maybe i'm going in a new direction, i sorry i have friends and you don't. very hurtful. he would just take off at 11:00 in the am and not tell me and just leave all day and come home just waisted. unable to walk, I was more P...off than anything, my only question was why, he said he deserved it after working for 30 years in a factory. I started to react to all the situations and i became very obsessive, where he went who called, who wanted what, he gave things away to people. my doctor put me on meds for depression, that has sort of leveled some of the anxiety off and helped me focus on me and my son. I am scared to death, I don't trust him, I have went through 10 months of just pure hell, all the snotty attitude, iritable, shitty remarks, it's like he is blaming me for him being pissed off. in his whole life he has never spoke to me in this manner ever, that is what is making me so crazy. He said that i needed to get some help it is not his problem, I am seeing a therapist for my self, says i need f2f meetings and i should start taking care of myself, and my son. I have asked him to see a doctor as maybe there is a medical condition.
I went to one f2f meeting and it was very scarry, i think there were a's there, i just sat and said nothing. I am at the point were, do i need to make myself happy. I keep thninking this will pass.
I hate it, i am still looking for the truth, as my thera says it's all about him, it's all about the A. i know in my heart i need help. I have been reading all the post and trying to get started with Al-anon. Thank you for reading my post, i welcome all comments.
Welcome, it sounds like you are actively looking for a better way. I know the feeling, some days it seems like my chest is so tight it hurts to take in air. Then I just slow down, concentrate and "breathe in faith, breathe out fear".
Your AH has as much control over his drinking as you do - and that is NONE.
The hurtful remarks are just him lashing out because HE hurts. "Hurt people hurt people".
Please keep getting to f2f meetings. They DO help, and even if an A or two is in the same meeting, it doesn't mean they're there to spy on people. We call AA members who attend Al-Anon meetings as well "double-winners", as they're tackling not only their disease on the AA front, but tackling their co-dependent issues on the Al-Anon front. Keep your heart and mind open, as they have a tremendous wealth of knowledge and experience that they share, and they're also someone who can help you to understand what it's like to be in your AH's head.
Did you take home a newcomer's packet? If not, you should request one and be sure to take the free pamphlets home with you - read them and see where you and your AH fit in.
For me, the more meetings I attend during the week, the better I feel. I start to get kind of squirley if I let too many days pass between meetings. The meetings are what keep me grounded. Once you've attended at least six meetings and decide the program is speaking to you, then you should start looking for a Sponsor. This person can be your daily contact, so if you're unable to make it to a meeting, you still have someone to talk to.
I felt like you 6 months ago then I found Alanon I go to a f2f every week dont judge it on one visit or see if there is another u can try I split will my A a couple of weeks ago I am hurting but my life is a lot calmer I know I am on the right path My children deserve a happy sane mum I tried everything to help him and he was only interested in drink he was ill I will always love him but we dont want the same kind of life so what is the point I only get one We are all here for yyou keep posting no one can make decsions for you only you but we understand wont judge you and really do care
Welcome to MIP! It get better but we have to realize that it is a disease and that is who is doing the talking for him. The Getting Them Sober (I, II, III, IV) really explain the disease. You'll find that all the A's are saying the same thing. Keep going to meeting. They help alot. Take care of yourself and your child.
I identify witht that statement about not "getting my breath". This disease and it's consequences leaves everyone breathless at one time or another even judges and coroners.
I can tell you that Al-Anon will not chew your head off and spit it out in a dark field some where. This program saved my life and my head is pretty well glued on now because of it. Alcoholism is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease and without programs like the Al-Anon Family Groups there would be a world more dead non-drinkers, spouses, relatives, friends and associates of alcoholics than there is up to this moment. This disease kills and not always the alcoholic.
It was suggested to me to get to as many meetings as I could in 90 days when I came in. I got to over 100 meetings in that 3 months and that was a good start for me. There might not be that many available to you right now and you can do the best you can.
"How Al-Anon Works" is the "Big Book" for our program. Using that book and going to meetings is very helpful. Think about that as a suggestion.
Thank you for all the great comfort, I am going to my second meeting tomorrow. I know I need to for me and my son. I am greatful that i found this forum. It does comfort me to read your post. I still feel scared though.
Thank you
Charr
Sorry about the misspelled words in my first post.
Aloha Charr!!