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Hey guys, so, I am petitioning the court to allow me to move out of state with my daughter. The people closest to me are cautioning me because the attitude I am portraying is one of confidence and peace. I am being told I have my head in the clouds because even though I have my opinions about how my ex is with my daughter that doesn't mean that he won't make this process miserable for me in hopes that I'll give up...blah blah blah...Now, he's not a bad father, in that he doesn't abuse her, he just squanders what time he is supposed to have with her. So, that is where my confidence comes in. I believe I am the better parent. I know he is not trustworthy and I know he is out for himselfand unfortunately his family will join him in that category regarding this situation, they will bankroll this process for him. So, given all that, am I stupid for believing that this is not going to drag me down because I know I have to keep my eye on the prize. I truly believe God is with me and that things will go as I hope they do. This situation is providing me with an opportunity to use my program...with all sorts of people, issues, and the situation in general. Thanks for letting me ramble...
I don't have any experience per se. My kids are grown and the AHsober has always been somewhat financially responsible. I just want to throw support your way because when we get into recovery (isn't this a good thing?) we start acting differently. Then sometimes we get more comments and critcism then when we were sick, sick, sick. I am told to consult with my HP on decisions, big and small.
A member of my ACA meeting on Monday had this funny story to share:
He went back to the mainland to visit with family. His parents and siblings are all alcoholics, but this time when he went back to visit, he did it in recovery and was serene, calm and collected the whole time he was there.
About a week after he got back, his mom called him, drunk, and she was crying on the phone saying "Tell me the truth, son! Your brothers told me they think you're dying of cancer! Is it true??????"
Of COURSE he isn't dying of cancer... but his change in attitude and serenity so threw off his family that they all thought he was dying!!
Everyone just laughed so hard when they heard that - me included.
If your friends/family are normally used to seeing you scrambling, discontent, worried, etc, your new outlook on life will certainly make them thing there's something "wrong" with you and will make suggestions based on how the "old you" would have behaved.
Good intentions, from them, I'm sure... but you know what they say about good intentions... some of the worst things come of them.
Just keep doing what you feel is right. You have your HP backing you, remember that.
I guess my chest will always constrict when I read part of my story coming from another and from the opposite parent. My exspouse got custody of the children (court decision because men were not considered "nurturing" parents, that was reserved for females) took them out of state against court ruling, took them from me during an mutually agreed visit with the aid of the district attorney and the police and her church and again against the decree and then moved them 2600 miles away in the other direction and continued to enforce the separation with negative diatribe about me to the children, calling the police on the children as they attemted to come and visit again during agreed upon visits, plus all kinds of other events motivated by her and no one elses fear of?
I pulled in my horns and waited...18 years until the youngest was an adult and then the return became most complete. We were strangers for a long while and in some instances we still are because we didn't grow up together. In the mean time I became a behavioral health counselor working with adolescents mostly and adults. I listened to the stories and one of the biggest stories is no matter what the guardian does to maintain control the guardian cannot control the heart and imagination of the child. The child will build their own dreams and perceptions and some of those dreams and perceptions will be that life maybe better with the "other" parent rather than the one with control.
Continue to teach love and gratitude and appreciation and keep revealing the finer points of the lost parent to their child inspite of personal resistance and belief. That will reveal us as kind, compassionate, loving, caring, tolerant etc. to your child who now has nothing to compare you to except what you try to tell them you are.
Your situation touches my heart and emotions. It makes me hold my breath.
All I have to say is - would feeling nervous, upset, and worried about the process help you in any way? If the answer is no, (which it most likely is) then why not let yourself feel serene? It will go the way it will go, no matter what attitude you take going in, so you might as well feel good.
Are you stupid for believing it's not going to drag you down?
No, doesn't seem like it to me - and actually, to me this isn't even a relevant question. To me, the more relevant question is, are you prepared to undergo what will undoubtedly be a difficult and sometimes hurtful process, filled with opportunities to potentially get dragged down? And if the answer is yes, and you've thought about your motivation and what's right for you, then it's not stupid at all.
I do agree with the notion of being scrupulously non-negative about yr ex with the children - they're half of him too, and to denigrate him is to denigrate them. I wouldn't ever have expressed it that way as an adolescent, but I think it's true - I know it was a heck of a lot easier to be with my dad, who never said a word against my mom - though he never said much of anything - than with my mom, who would have a hysterical rage for days if my dad called on the phone (though she doesn't remember this today, and in fact says it didn't happen; but *I* do).
