The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was going to reply to the "highway" thread but thought maybe I should start a new one.
Recovery does not end with putting the plug in the jug.
Recovery begins with putting the plug in the jug.
That's the way it was for me. I believe that physical, mental, and spiritual recovery begins with one day of sobriety... no matter how shaky.
Remember Katrina? New Orleans was flooded. Everybody wanted the pumps turned on, but until the big holes in the levees were plugged, there wasn't much point in pumping the water out.
I think those of us living with an alcoholic are bailing a sinking ship with a coffee can. We think we can keep up - the hole isn't very big. Oh look, it just got bigger... well bail faster... get a bigger can... get two cans... use both hands. That hole never gets smaller. It gets plugged... or the boat sinks. And whoever stays in it sinks along with it... coffee cans and all.
And whoever stays in it sinks along with it... coffee cans and all.
Barisax
Hi Bari,
I think you are correct. I've been on this board for about 2 years, I think. I've watched who posts often and who stops posting. In my very unscientific analysis I have seen that the people who are able to walk away from an alcoholic/addict post the least and stop posting with problems/dramas.
Very slowly I am learning to recognize and avoid people with huge problems. I don't need that in my life. I have enough problems of my own. I want to be with healthy people who are able to handle life.
I avoid what is toxic. Really, I think that should be a huge part of the teachings in the Al-anon program. Sadly, it isn't.
Ditto.... I would strongly disagree with your statement..... I think, in fact, that is exactly what Al-Anon teachings encourage - to value ourselves to the point where we no longer allow unacceptable behaviour bestowed upon us, and to value ourselves to the point where we choose to live our lives as we want to lead them.
Al-Anon neither encourages, staying or leaving, primarily because it encourages us to focus on our own recovery, and the "stay v. leave" decision is not necessarily THE key factor in our own recovery. Many stay, many leave..... I don't think there is any one formula of success, aside from the fact that most of us - if we truly DO work our program, DO end up feeling better and liking ourselves more.....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Awesome post Barisax, and love your analogy of the coffee can.....
Reminds us all of how fruitless "working on a relationship", or "counselling" or "talking" with an active A really is....
I still love the speech that an awesome recovering A gave at a rally I went to in my town about ten years ago..... He was a very engaging speaker, and had the audience in stitches with some of his stories..... As he was drawing to a close, he told the audience to listen closely, as he had figured out the "magic" solution to the start of the recovery process for alcoholics..... that we should all be quiet, and he will divulge this amazing secret, for all to hear...... As we all listened eagerly, he simply said.....
"if you don't drink, you cannot get drunk..... it is as simple as that....."
As you have pointed out, that is the beginning, and not the end, of recovery..... but that beginning needs to happen before any miracles can take place....
Thanks for the post
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
In a reading in one of the daily readers yesterday, it mentioned something (paraphrased) about the fact that al-anon is non-denominational. That there is no one HP, belief system..whatever..ranked above any others. The person sharing mentioned that with an open mind they are able to see the thread of absolute truth that is common to and runs through all religions/beliefs.
I think for me anyway, when I hear someone say something that might be negative or pointing out downfalls in the program, my first thought is that perhaps they haven't embraced the whole program yet...they haven't "gotten" it yet. Step 12 says, "having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps"....that spiritual awakening takes work. Somedays we have a moment, a spiritual burning bush, that is so powerful and we know...but as the moment passes it can tend to fade in its influence on us. So we have to keep on working some more, looking for the next moment...and they come all the time..we just have to open our eyes to them.
I sorta stepped in it the other day, when I made a comment to a mother about a negative comment her significant other had made about her child. I still stand by the comment, but I learned something about how strong that bond is. About how much a mom cares for her baby.
I realize I feel that way about al-anon too. So my hackles go up when someone says anything negative about it and I want to just say to the person..you don't get it yet, give it time and you will understand.
I realize also that it is not my place to do that. And by that I mean, not take it personal when someone makes a statement like that. I can disagree with it and state my view and then let it go. Everyone is entitled to believe however they want to about everything, al-anon included.
Now for the plug...hehehe......Keep coming back, EVERYBODY! , it really does work if you work it, so work it cuz your worth it....all of you!!! With diligence and perseverence the promises will be realized. Serenity, love and a peace which surpasses all understanding is there for us. And all we gotta do is work this simple program, one day at a time. And its free!!!!!
I don't know that I can assume that the people who stop posting have no more problems. Some of us have different issues and we work on them at different times. I am someone who left the A but I am still incredibly codependent, I was codependent before I met him. Certainly the A was a source of tremendous pain for me, but I still have many many issues (not all of them related to him).
I would also not assume that anyone who stays with an A is necessarily lost in a program. I know some people on this board who are quite happy maintaining a program living with an active A. I can understand the many many reasons why some people stay. I really don't believe anymore its a measure of stay/go. For me its a measure on my recovery, what am I doing about it? I was in recovery before I left the A and I'm in recovery now.
Since this was sort of in response to my post, I feel like I should say that I don't like the implication that my relationship is doomed. I understand that the disease if left untreated is progressive, etc. I really do get that.
But if recovery does start with just one day of sobriety, then both my A and I are in recovery. We're both trying. And I won't let anyone convince me that this effort is pointless. Negative comments at this stage of the game can be really hurtful.
And saying that "the only way to survive is to leave" makes those of us who have decided not to leave feel attacked. And we get enough of that from the As in our lives, thankyouverymuch.
**deep breath** OK I feel better.
__________________
"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
Maybe a less analogous and more straight forward way to put it:
An alcoholic does not go into recovery, fully recover, and then stop drinking.
It may have happened, but I haven't come across any examples.
I spent many years trying to recover that way. Bill's story in the Big Book is that story. If I had the right job, or the right wife, or enough money, or the right therapist, the right friends, the right religion, or just figured out my life and analyzed myself and figured it all out... then I could stop drinking.
That's backwards. I finally had to take a leap of faith and stop drinking just because some crazy people said, can you go a day without drinking and come back tomorrow. I did that... and did it again... and again... and again. And I began to figure *some* stuff out. Just a little... enough to keep at it.
But for we who are (also) in Alanon... the equivalent of putting the plug in the jug is not quite so clear cut. It's probably different for all of us. But we usually know when it was, or we can look back and say where that action - that decision - took place.
We are not doomed to sink. We are doomed to sink if we don't fix the hole. How we fix the hole is different for each of us. It's not necessarily stay or go. We each have to find out what will make a difference for ourselves. Then deciding, then acting.
, it really does work if you work it, so work it cuz your worth it....all of you!!! 
With diligence and perseverence the promises will be realized. Serenity, love and a peace which surpasses all understanding is there for us. And all we gotta do is work this simple program, one day at a time. And its free!!!!! 