The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to say thank you for all the replies and suggestions I have received fromall of you.
Next, i don't even know where to start I cannot think or function anymore? I think I am on auto cruise control or something. It's like I am in a fog. The only thing I can do is get up (barely) get my 4 year old and I ready for school and work for 81/2 hours then pick up daughter go home, dinner bath and then to bed for both of us. If you ask me what I did today I can't remember. I cant focus on anything my mind is always wandering and obsessing.
I was suppossed to have my 2nd appt with my counsler this morning, but she didn't show up. then when she finally returns my call she says she left a message earlier this week explaing that she can not see me that she does not have a strong backround in my specific case. What the does that mean i am way too ncrazy for this lady to help me.
I feel horrible she let me down. Feeling abandoned again. I only spoke to this women last week for 45 mins. why didn't she tell me last week that she wasn't able to help me . That is just the beginning.
I really have tried to go to f2f meetings but it just is impossible right now. my daughter is too distraught w/ me leaving. she thinks i'm gonna leave her too just like her daddy did.
She told me the other day that she is having a bad day and she wants to pull all of her hair out. What is all that about? she is only 4 1/2 years old it scares me that she is talking like that. I now i really need alot of help but it seems like for right now i can only lean on this website to help me.
Don't really have much to offer you accept to let you know I will keep you and little daughter in my prayers. I also would tell you not to give up looking for another therapist. Also, just do the bare minimum you can until you can handle things better. You and your little girl need each other and she is the one that needs all of your attention. She needs to feel loved and secure that you and daddy are going to be ok. My dil explained to my granddaughters that their dad was sick in his brain and needed to get fixed. He had to live away from home until he did. They accepted that and they all said prayers for him at night for him to get better. Give it a try.
((((Jeannine))))) So glad that you found us. Let me first start with saying that this counselor did you a huge favor. I know it may not seem like it now - but down the road when you find the right one you will understand it. Not many counselors have enough knowledge in the area of alcoholism and its affects on the family so it is difficult to come up with an effective treatment plan that will benefit you. Keep looking - you will find the right one. You might try contacting a local rehab center to see if they suggest anyone.
As for your daughters comments - its normal. For as normal as we try to keep things in our lives in the shadows of alcoholism & addiction our kids can sense our stress. They hear us when we cry, yell, sigh, moan & groan. Children are amazing in that they may not understand what is wrong but the definitely know something isnt right and they in turn respond. Sometimes they repeat something we may have not realized we said, mimick an action we didnt know we did or something along those lines. I recall when my youngest repeated something weeks after I had said it in a stressful situation for him. I was taken aback by it at first then realized that even little people can feel the way we do. My response to my child was simply "you feel that way to? So what can we do to change it?" Giving them power to voice themselves and acknowledging them will work wonders in their recovery and yours.
Just keep faking it till you make it - the road is not easy and it may seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel - but it does get better. Try to see if you can find a f2f that will allow you to bring your daughter. Many groups will allow this. If all you can do is come to this board and meeting room then that is still taking care of you. Good luck & keep coming back. Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I am sorry that happened to you ((((jeannine))))). At least you will not be wasting your time with a really bad counclior! I wasted years with therapists who had no clue as to abuse and addiction issues. I believe that you are by NO means "too crazy" for her, she just knows her limitations. If anything it reflects on her abilities not on you at all!
There are better ones out there. I am seeing a real dud at the moment myself but feel like I just have to complete. She is a trained Domestic Violence counclior but she is human and very obviously burned out.
I found the most helpful therapist at the local university where I live. It was part of the master's program and they did it on a sliding scale fee. The counclior was fresh and up to date and interested and supportive.
My kids have said some things that I think they shouldn't be feeling at their age but the fact is they have been effected and have their own feelings about it and it good that they can put words to their feelings.
I know my littlest one (5) is very attached to me. She sometimes has a hard time with me leaving too. But everytime I leave and come back she is reassured. She knows she can trust me. And she knows I am not going anywhere even if I have to go somewhere.
It has been very hard for me to not let my guilt and pain over my situation effect my parenting.
I am so glad you are here and just keep comming. Let yourself grieve, no one keeps it together all the time. That's ok, just means you are human. It does get better. Check out a new counclior. There is someone out there who is a right fit and will help you in your new journey.
Here's my ESH. What I did was... split up the finances immediately took all the money and paid only the bills that had my name on them, didn't give him another dime no matter how hard he pleaded, then I went to the child support office and filed for assistance with collecting support (they don't care if he's working or not). Finally, in order to get a hold of the obsessing (it was constant) I signed up for classes at school, so I was working, had 3 kids and was taking 2 classes in the summer. It was hectic but when I was done with school he barely entered my mind. For a few months in the very beginning, I went out drinking every weekend and man seeking - any man would have done. Then I finally gave that up realizing the insanity of it - basically getting more of the same... Now I'm working 2 jobs, the rest of my time is divided between taking the kids to their stuff, watching movies, listing stuff to sell on ebay, cleaning, etc. I know it doesn't sound exciting but I barely ever think of my A any more.
I think for you right now the best thing you could possibly do for yourself is make a list of everything you are grateful for and every time you feel down or get the oh poor me thing going on look at your list, focus on it with all your strength. Add to it all the time, simple things like it's a sunny day, the birds are singing, etc. This does 2 things, 1 it changes your perspective to the positive and 2 it makes you pay attention to all the little details of life that you have been missing by obsessing on your A.
I am glad you can come here and check in. Sorry you didn't find help with the therapist. Of course many of us have had difficult experiences with a therapist. There are lots of things that reference the kind of abandonment you are feeling. Claudia Black has some interesting things to say and exercises to do in her books. She has a book "changing course" that is very helpful in dealing with breaking down the kind of abandonment experience you are describing.
I hope you will keep posting and keep looking for support. I know it is hard to ask for help when you are overwhelmed. Nevertheless there is help and support out there, this room is one of them.
When I left the A more than a year ago I was totally overwhelmed and in a lot of pain and needed a lot of support and care. There is a way throught this. I know it feels impossible but lots of people here have made it through incredibly painful situations and they are still here!
I am sure you feel totally over responsible for your daughter's distress. You aren't. I am also sure you feel like your husband is doing fine when I don't think any addict is (not that that is much comfort). The A who I lived with often took solace around others, it was one way he maintained his denial. I took it extremely personally he did that.
I only knew how to be engulfed and pervasively chase after those who could not give to me. Now I know something else but it didn't happen overnight.
Keep coming back here, keep reporting what is going on for you and know that you are worth caring for no matter what he does.
You are also a dedicated, caring, loving mother and you should pat yourself on the back that you have taken care of your daughter and remained functional throughout all this ordeal.
I completely relate to your story! A few years ago, before I found al-anon, I tried therapy. I was in a deep depression and decided to pay the enormous sums for help. The first counselor closed her notebook in the middle of our fourth session, looked at me squarely and said she coudn't see me anymore... until I quit drinking!!!! (I had a margarita-a-day habit....at the time, I did NOT KNOW what was wrong with my life, I did NOT KNOW I was married to a fully-functioning A. My disease/denial told me, if you can't beat em, join em....) I drove the whole way home sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't understand how she could abandon me like this. It took a while before I decided to phone another therapist....ended up trying 3 more!!! No one was really helpful. In retrospect, no one understood it. Ultimately, I paid a lot of money for sympathy. I wish I had found an addiction specialist. Maybe our marriage could have been saved....maybe not.
I can't really remember how I found the doors of al-anon. It is a miracle that I made it. I guess I have to admit that my HP guided me. HP saved my life. (this is the first time I really realized this... thank you for the post!)
Also wanted to share that, I know 2 people who bring their young children to the meetings...Something to consider...??? Bottom line is this....you MUST do what you can to take care of YOURSELF! You are sooooooo worth it.
I will pray that HP will provide for you what you need.
Love and light, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
does that mean i am way too ncrazy for this lady to help me. 
