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After the emotional weekend I had with my AH, I've just been feeling pretty low and beat down.
I'm thinking part of it is hormones - PMS time for me. I imagine PMS must feel something similar to how it feels when an A isn't drinking. I'm restless and irritable and I go through high highs and low lows.
I've been snappy with people at work, and things my AH does lately I find a lot of fault with and take things personal.
I really hate this time in my hormonal cycle.
I did exercise today - picked a pretty vigorous workout to do after work to try to literally "work out" some of my frustrations and edginess, but it's not helping me still.
What do you do when you're in this place, where you're just crabby and bummed overall and very little out there is a source of cheer for you?
Several times today I was thinking about how great my life was back when I was single. There isn't just a "control issue" on my end of me wanting to control my AH, he does it to me, too. When I think about our interests, we have so little in common. I love to hike and camp, he hates it. He loves swimming in the ocean and laying out in the sun, I don't. He enjoys extremely juvenile movies while some I find somewhat entertaining, but I enjoy a good sci-fi/fantasy movie or drama which he does NOT.
One of the best summers I can ever remember having my entire life was the summer before I met my AH. I spent that entire summer as a single person going hiking and camping with my best friend and sometimes my brother and mom.
Today is one of those days where I'm just tired of my AH and his attitudes and disease.
He comes into the office, and the power to his computer is on. He must have left it on when he left the house earlier today. What does he do? "Why is my power on? I didn't leave this on. I turned it off!" Well lah-dee-dah. I DIDN'T turn it on. Period. I'm not going to argue it with you.
Earlier today he wanted to go to the store to pick up some guacamole mix. I was fine going because I wanted to get a couple things myself. Well, he can't find the mix, so he looks at me and TELLS me (not asks me) "well, either you're going to have to make it from scratch or we need to go to the other store to get it."
I'm just sitting there thinking, jeez - you are such a SPOILED JERK! There was no, "hey, would you mind making me some guacamole from scratch since we can't find the mix?" It was "Well, either you make it for me or we have to go to the other store."
Jeez - lose/lose situation for me. Thanks for putting me in it.
Of course I did the stupid co-dependent thing and took him to the other store. Make your own stupid guacamole. I just sat in the car, turned on some good music and listened while he went in by himself.
See... if I were stronger in my stance of what I will and will not put up with, I would have told him: No, you just buy the stuff to make the guacamole from scratch and make it yourself. We're not going all over town to get your mix.
In any case, I guess the decision I did make was at least the lesser of two evils. I would have been really cheezed if I'd actually gone through and made the stupid stuff from scratch.
It just always astounds me how ungrateful A's can be. It's times like that where I just really hate him, and if I knew I wouldn't get hit back, I'd be happy to slap him across his smug face.
Ugh.
I'm just soooo not a nice person today. I don't like being and feeling mean things like that, but, well, there it is.
I keep having to remind myself that somewhere in there is a sweet, caring man that I fell in love with. His disease makes him ugly, though. Ugly and unbearable at times like tonight. Which then leads me to feeling mighty sorry for myself, too, and wishing I was back to being single.
"This too shall pass". Just have to tell myself that... ask my HP for forgiveness. Let me move on. Take my troubled feelings from me, HP... please. I don't know what to do with them.
It was a BASH!!. Sounds like a hangover from the BASH. You asked the "What do you do...?" question. I used to do what you are doing now; beating myself up, justifying my anger and then feeling less than for having it plus the anger and rage and thoughts of "flight" but with the "Keep coming backs" the "listen, learn, and practices" "the slogans" "steps" "sponsors"....ALWAYS HP and staying with the belief that if I work this program I will get what they promise my mind back and my serenity and I will be a naturally happy person and I will have no problems or difficulties to great to be bettered and no unhappiness that cannot be lessened and it all came true and more; and today what I do is not entertain fear at all and not surrender what I have been given here freely to any person, place or thing that threatens or lures me away from it. I don't get angry about it cause anger about it isn't an issue...I stay in love and just don't surrender my recovery.
You can do it gal. I know you can do it. You have done it before. Keep doing it until it becomes the major habit in your life. ...and when you think you might be slipping a bit raise your hand up into the air and ask gently..."please take my hand and hold me steady for a moment." You are okay. No matter what is happening, You are okay. You have to believe that more than I do.
aloha, bad days are going to be part of the mix. Acceptance is key. Love yourself just as you are. Hp does. Its just a day, it too shall pass. It does not need to be fixed or it doesnt mean that there is something wrong with you or that you are not working a good program, etc. You will wake up and feel better/different. We all get to have our moods and things are not going to be perfect. You have so much self-awareness its really really cool so just roll with who you are, hormonally, whatever- its practice not perfection! Hugs and love, J.
((((Aloha))))))) I know about those days. I hate those days, too. Everything is wrong. The mountains seem to high to climb. It's just despair. Actually......a good bit of it IS just hormonal. Those demon hormones.
Like Jean said - and my mom used to tell me all the time, "What you had was simply a bad day." Nothing more.
And when things are bad, we start looking for a time when things were good. You know you were happy pre-A. But you've been happy with A, too - so I don't think it's just that.
Hang in there girl - we've all been in the muck - and we always find our way out. This too shall pass. Lean on HP awhile.
The bad days are what they are, bad days. As others have said it comes with the territory. You just have to learn how to adjust your sails when the wind goes in the opposite direction.
Like yesterday, my new meds are dinking with me a bit, so I called the doctor and asked her to fax a note into work. I'm too dizzy to climb up on ladders to get the shoes. So I took yesterday and today off rather than risk falling. It bums me out a little as I like to work. But it is what it is. I am not use to spending this much time in bed unless I want to. I will go in and see her if the dizziness continues. But for now I am taking it slow. It could be I'm trying to do too much too fast. New diet, new meds, stress at work, etc.
I try not to play the "what if game". One of my worst faults is projecting too far into the future. The other is looking back too much. I have to accept certain things are the way the are. I am powerless over them. What I am not powerless is my attitude and my reactions to those days/events/feelings. If you get the chance read May 1 passage in Courage to Change. If you don't have it, pm me and I'll send it to you.
Meanwhile be extra good to yourself. You'll be okay. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
This reminds me of when I asked my sponsor, well it seems like I'm just stuffing again when I say nothing to him, aren't I supposed to be learning NOT to stuff? And she said, it's okay to say what you need to say FOR YOU.
So now I work on that. I can't usually come up with it immediately, but if I find and interaction is bothering me, I try to figure out a way to express myself that's about me; then prepare myself to not take a potential negative reaction personally; then go say it. Something like, "I'd like to say something about what happened in the grocery store.... It would really have helped me to be asked if I could do something, like could you please take me to the other store, instead of being told I HAD to take you to the other store."
"It would have helped me, that's all."
Then I go away. I make sure NOT to make a discussion out of it, because I know this is an issue I was hurt about, and I'm liable to slip back into my original angry reaction if I let it turn into a whole discussion. Sometimes he'll come back & say something to me later; sometimes not; but when I can do this, I've found that just being able to say my piece helps me a lot.
And if he STILL doesn't hear me, I remind myself to bring it where I CAN be heard, namely sponsor/meetings/etc. But at least I tried, and I was calm - I did what I could.
I know it can be self-defeating when the little things (like a comment about guacamole) can throw you into a funk. But, the truth is the irritation and pain come from a place much deeper than that. My "little things" have been building up. Finally I went to a meeting last night and cried and cried, through the opening, the promises, the ending, and all the shares. Finally, I personally shared, and cried through that too. It definately helped. It is now a new day and I am thinking I may be able to approach my work and family in a sane manner, and not like walking crises.
Remembering not to react, that is key for me. Responding in a whole new way. Taking the time to think. It is tough, but when I can do it, it sets me up for peace.
Please keep hanging around here and sharing. I value your input so much.
I hope your day today is better.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
(((((Aloha))))) I think we all wish from time to time that one chapter in the Big Book could have been on " IT IS NOT WHAT YOU SAY BUT HOW YOU SAY IT". In similar situations I ALWAYS use my favorite slogan, HOW IMPORTANT IS IT. It is just not that important anymore that I think I have to win the the battle. By not even answering the question or statment from my A, most of the time that keeps it from going to another level. But, I have found my best answer when my A makes a statement that I disagree with, but also know if I state my opinion it will just continue on and on, I just tell her "You might be right". There is not much she can say to my answer. It usually stops the discussion in it's tracks. You will not get to go into the bathroom,and put a mark on the wall, and say to yourself "Well I won that battle". You still have your sanity, and that is more important to me than winning the battle. Rodney
I felt better after typing out my feelings... distracted myself with some creative work, and then when it was time for bed, I decided it would be good for me to mediate beforehand, so that's what I did. AH went to bed, I went into the office, closed the door, sat on a pillow and then cried for a good 10 minutes, talking to and praying with my HP. It felt good to just release it all through crying, and when I was done crying, I just felt a calm wash over me and I spent another 10 minutes just in calm, still meditation.
After my meditation, I actually pulled out some of my spiritual literature (not CAL) and read a couple pages, and part of it had a guide for meditation. It felt good and like I'd finally grounded myself so I wasn't all floating around in confusion. Sometimes I find that reading my spiritual literature really brings me down to earth and reminds me that my HP has some great plans for me.
I also sat down before my meditation and wrote out three things I was grateful for: Grateful for my vision so I can be creative and appreciate beautiful art and design. Grateful for my hearing because I can listen to beautiful, inspiring music. And grateful to my HP for always being there for me, even when I'm NOT being grateful at all.
I made sure to do the same thing this morning. I read my daily ODAT passage, highlighted the text in there that stood out to me the most, then wrote down three more things I was grateful for, then spent 15 minutes meditating this morning.
My sponsor has me asking my HP to show me when my life is unmanageable and when I have no control, and I realized at the beginning of my meditation that a lot of my attitudes yesterday were because I was not in a position of control and was resentful of it, therefore snappy about it. Like when I was being snappy with some of my co-workers yesterday. And when I got offended by my AH because I couldn't make him ask me nicely. It came to an unmanageable point when I was wishing for things to be different than they were at present.
It's amazing the clarity that comes after stilling myself and opening my mind to hear what my HP needs to say and see what my HP needs me to see.
This change stuff is not easy. No wonder so many people don't want to change themselves because it involves a great deal of pain.
Thank you again, everyone. Your support and understanding is soooo appreciated.
Hi I suffer from pms to I take progesterone pessaries from my GP Diet helps eat startch every two-three hours bread, potatoes etc NO CHOCOLATE raises blood suger when it drops Iagain I go nuts Exercise is good Ignore negative thoughts THATS PMS Never make decision when have PMS you will feel better in a couple of days hope this helps
