The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm so blessed to have this board. I've been reading so many of the posts lately - and so many apply to my situation. (HP????) As many of you know...my on-again off-again on-again off-again 30 year romance with my A seems to be on again - albeit from a great distance. But he's been talking to me about moving back to the states for us to be together. Seriously talking. Soon. I'm so torn by all of this. And I hear all of you when you say that few folks regret leaving the A. And so many regret re-uniting with the A. I hear you.
But I also know that so many of the things we regret in life are the things we didn't do. When we're left with the "what ifs?" No, it's really not just that simple - but that is part of it. What if you love someone and care about someone very deeply - and have for the better part of your life (with a 10 year break to marry and have a child with someone else), but that person has a disease? This disease causes him to become apathetic. Work? Pay bills? Follow through on things? Kinda unimportant to him when he's active. He doesn't yell or scream, has never been the least bit violent or physical - he simply becomes a lump.
When I'm with this person we connect on a incredible level. He's very smart and has a quick wit - and can out-think me in most situations (and I'm no dummy). I love that. He's also gentle and has been a true friend to me. A big bonus for me is that he knows how to "handle" me. We've all got our moods and ways. I KNOW I do. I can be a piece of work and I know it. He understands that and gets me. Knows how to bring me around without p*ssing me off. That's no small feat. To me, there's great comfort in that. He soothes.
But then, yep, he's got that miserable disease. And it pokes its nasty head up when I least expect it. When things are at their absolute best, the disease takes him down. And his disease doesn't allow a slip of "a couple of drinks". Nope - his isn't satisfied until my A is almost at death. The fact that he's still alive is nothing short of a major miracle. And because of that - I have to believe that HP has better plans for him.
So my choice right now is to once again wish him luck with his life and watch him fade out of view. Or roll the dice and try to live my life with him again.
Yes - it might be a horrible disaster - but what if it's not? What if I have enough program this time to have my footing and not go there with him (i.e., have my own boundaries that would allow me to walk away if things started taking that downward spiral). I couldn't and wouldn't marry him - as I know that it brings too many legal and financial ties that I'm not prepared to handle. (I learned that much anyway!) But maybe testing the waters with him might either be the most wonderful thing - or as someone said in another post - it might be the thing that makes me finally say "enough!".
Is it wrong for wanting to try? I love this man - and I know I always will. I've known it for 30 years. Very few things I've known with such certainty.
I don't have small children. I'm on my own. I don't think I'd be dragging anyone else down a rocky road with me - if this becomes a rocky road. I do have people that love me, though, and hurt when I do. I know they're all saying that silent prayer that things don't work out between us. I understand their concern. But this is the one and only life I've got. I don't want to have that gnawing "what if" noose around my neck the rest of my life.
Thanks for allowing me to vent. I trust all of you to be honest with me about what you're seeing here. I welcome your input.
What if you live happily ever after? I mean, he's an A so I doubt it will be a fairytale every single day but that is the case with anyone. This is YOUR life. You get ONE shot at it. If you want something, go for it.
Everyone's situation is different. Only you can decide what's best for you. I guess there's nothing wrong with testing the water. Serendipity is right... you only have this one life, why spend it wondering "what if?" If it turns out to be a horrible disaster, then you can wish him luck with his life and watch him fade out of view!
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Well, alot of thoughts come up. They will always be A's and ism whether they are drinking or not and in recovery or not. I was about to say (very gently) that the way you wrote it is that he kind of circles around you and tweaks you now and then. And as I say this I realize that this is exactly what my AHsober does kinda of circles around me and tweaks me and then he's off again. Some of this has to be unconscious and some conscious. I was with my Ahsober for over 30 years. He left and I miss him. He is adamant about a divorce. He has never made a gesture towards reconciliation. What I am discovering is that nothing that I say or do seems to make a difference. It still comes out the same to an extent. So I guess what am I saying is do what you think is best for you with a little consultation with your HP.
People always ask me why I stay with my A. (almost 35 years now) I tell them that when it's good it's very very good. I love him theres no question about it.
Only you can decide whats right for you. I wish for you the best.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Great post...so romantic and dramatic stuff to make picture shows about and sooo real life. You know so much about your relationship. You are so experienced with it so what will be soooo surprising that will jump up and scare you. By the way you describe me as you describe him and I am sure that my wife also experiences what you do also. Still she lets me handle it I am dysthymic (in short words long term depressive). Depressives should not drink chemical depressants such as alcohol. But then alcoholics when under the spell of the disease don't consider their depressant/depressant connection. That's a problem. I don't drink but the depression can lock me up for months where I become "non-productive". Still when I am on we do well enough that it kinda levels off. I was what I am when we met there is nothing she can do about it but use her program. She doesn't even get angry or anxious about it...she accepts it. And there are things that we both accept in each other that we would rather be anxious about that's life.
We do have boundaries though. We both know the meaning of that word and we have them; for us as a couple and also as individuals. These are like the traffic signals down at the intersection. It helps our marriage keep moving quite well without any major fender benders. There might be a little bumper tagging from time to time but never all the time and without much force.
I like your "what iffing" and then the "what if notting". Try the "I'll look for the consequences I want and then see what we have to do to reach them."
You're special. You should be happy. (((((hugs)))))
R3 in a way, it does not matter what you choose to do because your HP is right there regardless. You cannot make any mistakes, you know what I mean? Either way its going to be hard, wonderful, aggravating, delightful, etc. this is just life! So roll up your sleeves and get to work on the choice and make it and make it with all you have got- you are doing the best that you can and you are an incredible woman! You will be just fine either way- sure do love it that you come here to MIP and post- you are one of my fav's!! love and hugs, J.
No opinion whatsoever on what is right for you and your A, as that is obviously your call....
One question - do you journal?? I have found that journalling my thoughts, feelings, etc, on a daily basis helped me immeasurably.... In this way, we remind ourselves of ALL the thing we feel..... Time has a peculiar way of softening the bad stuff, and embellishing the good memories, particularly when we are lonely and still loving that person.... A journal can help us keep a balanced view of both the good AND the bad, so we are assisting ourselves in making our decisions with all the facts in front of us....
Food for thought....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I found that a lot of the reason I stayed with the A and tolearated being treated badly for so long was the what if's of what if he gets better this time... I feel that he was the love of my life but that he is no longer that man anymore. I wouldn't even consider allowing him to move in with me for a moment, not even stay a night - but then I have 3 children to think about too. You know him, you know you, you know the potential either way but as long as he's active it's a progressive downward spiral and just because he's not mean/abusive doesn't mean he won't be further down the spiral. Just something to consider. You know what's best for you, I hope you make the best choice for yourself.
I stayed with the A I lived with for 7 years largely on the "what if". I also stayed with him out of fear. I was and am tremendously lonely. His dramarama chaos took up all my time. I did not have time to focus on me, to look at me, to deal with my issues. For some reason that was a relief for a while. What if certainly kept me spellbound. He could always rally round. Last summer he promised the earth, he lied, he promised, he needed me. I think I was so aware he needed me. Over time being in this program I realised that needing him was not the reason to stay with him.
There are other "what if's". What if I am on my own, that used to terrify me. Now it doesn't. What if I at some point get the life I deserve and can love myself. What if I stop taking a gamble on alcoholics. I do not have children but I have two dogs, admittedly they are elderly dogs now. They do not deserve to be in chaos and confusion and endure an acitve alcoholic. The last one really hurt them. They loved him tremendously. In fact I'd say they absolutely adored him but there is no question he hurt them and he hurt them to the point of nearly killing them.
For me now a relationship with an active alcoholic is too high a stake. At one time it was something I relished, something I felt at home with and now it feels totally alien. I'm not sure when the "switch" happened. I know its this program. I know absolutely I had to be here day and night for years to get there but for me now personally its too much to ask. I realise any relationship is a "risk" but for me personally an active alcoholic is a no win risk.
For me now options are the key. What are my options. I may not like those options but they are far far far better than denial.
Thank you all for your input. I'm taking in all of your posts. And I'm rolling them around in my brain. They all make sense to me - each in their own way.
Tom - I DO journal. I have my whole life....and oh yes.....I have the journals and journals of the bad times with my A. And I refer to them, when I start "forgetting" what was my reality with him before. My post seemed a bit flowery - after re-reading it. Lots of "romantic and dramatic stuff" indeed, Jerry!! But I have a firm grasp on the depths of despair that I went to with him. If I didn't, then this would be a piece of cake and there would be no inner stuggle whatsoever! For as swell of a guy that he is sober (and he is) - oh my.....he can make you want to choke the last breath out of him when the alcohol starts up. He becomes completely apathetic - and any attempt I make at getting him to wake up and participate in society is met with, "you're so controlling". He becomes the 17 year old errant child. Loses the job (yet again), doesn't care, doesn't do anything AT ALL! Worst of all - when he drinks, the man I know so well is gone. He's simply not in that body anymore. And the last time we were together - when the drinking started back - I finally put some distance between us (I was almost completely out of my mind by that point). When I put distance between us, he found someone else to take him in (a female). So - oh yes - I'm very, very aware of the damage he can do to my life.
Maresie - I understand what you're saying in your post and have given much thought to the "dramarama chaos" aspect. The reality for me is that I've been alone most of my life. In fact, in recent years, it's become EXTREMELY comfortable to me. I like my own company. I like my own independence. I like my quiet, undisturbed, alone time. So much so that I worry that I can ever really be with anyone else at all. I've become selfish, intolerant, and impatient of those who "intrude on my space". I want what I want, when I want it, where I want it, and the way I want it. Very little wiggle room there. More and more I'm seeing this as a character defect. I know that if I'm ever going to have a relationship with anyone, I've got to re-learn how to do that. I'm just not so sure I'm capable anymore.
I don't NEED this man. OMG - in fact - by most measurable standards, my life will not improve with the addition of him. He won't stifle me, but he won't put in the lap of luxury either. Ya know? I want to be with this man because I LIKE him. I ENJOY him. And I care about him very much. He makes me laugh. But unlike 11 years ago - I now know that I will be just fine without him. I'd miss him like crazy. But I can live life - quite successfully - without him. I know how to do it.
Everyone has given me such pearls of wisdom here....I will continue to examine your words, examine my heart (and my head!!!), and seek guidance from HP.
Life with an A can be quite unpredictable, needless to say. What I know now is that every day is a new day. And what I thought was true and solid and good today, can slip through my hands overnight. (That's one of the hardest parts for me.) I'll keep you posted.......
