Aloha and welcome, Momto4!

You are in the right place.

In Al-Anon we learn to seek happiness from within. If we are happy and secure with ourselves, it won't matter too much what the other people in our lives are doing, be they spouses, children, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc. We stop pinning our ability to be happy on the actions of others. We learn to respect each person's right to make their own decisions and learn as we work on our own happiness how to set boundaries that will help us to maintain our personal serenity.

There are many, many Al-Anon members who have learned to live with their alcoholic spouses and live perfectly happy lives, and there are many others who gained the courage to be secure in themselves in leaving the relationship. No one way is the "right" way - the "right" way is what YOU decide for yourself.

Detachment is not done without love. Detaching doesn't mean to react to your AH with anger or resentment and therefore slowly dissolve your love.

We learn, ultimately that we have no control over alcohol, and that in trying to control it, it has made our lives unmanageable. We've become restless, unhappy and irritable in trying to control the disease and force solutions.

So we turn the disease over to a higher power - a power greater than ourselves so we are no longer left feeling like we must try to control it and therefore free us up to focus on ourselves.

I encourage you to find some face-to-face meetings nearby and get to one. Try at least six. Pick up the free literature packets offered at every meeting and read it and see how it applies to you. Do you see yourself in there? Do you see your spouse in there?

Once again - welcome! You're on the right path to personal recovery!

Aloha MOM2!!

Pretty much we have all been where you are at now and feeling bitter is only one of the feelings weve experienced.  If bitter is the only one you have
identified for now...there are more coming and none of them nice until
you allow yourself to get into the program and learn what it is and how to
work it. 

Detachment or letting go is sometimes identified with refocusing.  You take
your intense focus off of your alcoholic and refocus on other things that are
more to your interest and benefit and growth.  Alcoholics are not without
perception and feelings cause they are also humans suffering from a life
threatening disease.  Being called a control freak is a clue to let go and the
magic is not in the how to do it; it is in the what happens to me and my
spirit when I do it...refocus your attention on you and your interests (notice
I didn't say jobs.) 

How did I do it?  As my sponsor told me do it the best that you can and then
repeat it and listen to others and how they do it and then try to do what they
do repeatedly until you get good at it and practice it more so that you get
better at it and letting go becomes automatic and/or a good habit.   That's
It.

You gotta start some time and some where right?   Do you best.  Leave the
negative thoughts and feelings out of it and do it the best you can. 

Good luck.

(((((hugs)))))

PS.  Know what it's like when someone ask you if you heard what they just
got thru saying to you and you say, "No I was thinking about something
else?"   That's a clue.

-- Edited by Jerry F at 03:44, 2008-04-30

I have certainly been there. There are many many tools you can use in Al anon. One is to get busy with your own life. Do you have a life of your own?  Mine was inextricably fused to the A for years. Another is not to argue with them.  That was a hard one for me. I had knock down drag out fights with the A for years. Then gradually I stopped over time.

I would not actually attach that much significance to what the A says. They seem to want someone who has it all, patience, infinite wisdom, love on tap and a abiity never to challenge them on their responsibility.

For my A (who I have left) I was either an angel or a bitch. There was no inbetween. I was not permitted any bad days. Cooperation was not something he did at all.  To get him to cooperate required tremendous wheedling. So when I stopped looking to him to cooperate and did it myself things changed.

I know this seems totally against everything you have ever done but that's the idea.  We start to take care of ourselves and let the A suffer some of the consequences of their actions. We stop obsessing and start looking within and here for strength and support. I looked to the a who I lived with for support for 7 years, got very little. I came here 3 years ago and I still come here daily, there is tremendous support and love here.

I found it very difficult at first to give up the idea of controlling the A, I had tremendous anger and grief and for a while I had to just express that. This is a very safe and wonderful place to do just that.

maresie.

Some of us have found that when we get the detachment, yes, we realize that we would be better off outside the relationship.  This program can save your sanity - it does not promise to save your marriage.

Some have found that with detachment, a lot of the bickering and unhappiness and frustration of the marriage is gone, and it is possible to realize that there really is a lot of love left. Using the alanon tools to keep from getting sucked back into the madness means that it can be possible to be happy in the marriage, whether or not the A is drinking.