Why are they so hurtful? - Al-Anon Family Group

cmarina2001 · Newbie

Why are they so hurtful?

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

"Cunning, baffling and powerful" is how I often hear the disease of alcoholism described.

One thing I learned with my AH is that his disease is constantly fishing for reasons to justify the need to drink. Often that involves him picking fights, saying mean things to me or others, etc. Why? Because people will snap back, or then act hurt by his actions, and then he'll feel guilty deep down for being so hostile and decide to lose himself in the alcohol.

This is where I learn to use "detachment". It is to recognize those vile things coming from my AH's mouth as not HIS will, but the disease's will. In other words, it's the disease attacking me, not my AH. It is to recognize my AH is very ill and battling something he cannot control. Knowing that - that he's not even able to control his own mouth, then I know not to take his attacks personal. I can actually look at him and have some compassion for him and quietly think to myself "wow, he is really struggling today." and leave it at that and not allow the hateful words to tear me down.

Sometimes when my AH is on one of his vile diatribes, I'll also remind myself that my HP is right there with me. I sometimes picture my HP putting up a powerful, invisible shield around me, protecting me from the discord and maintaining my serenity. My HP lends me the strength to "listen" to the verbal attack but not personalize it, nor react to it.

Remember this - "hurt people hurt people". Your AH is hurting from his disease so he is taking it out on whatever is a convenient target for him. Because in the past you have provided him with reactions to his nasty attacks, you are a great target for him. And it will continue until you eventually gain enough personal serenity to not react to his attacks in the way you used to.

I hear a lot of fear from your AH, too. Your eating disorder scares him, and he's pulling co-dependent speak on you. "please eat normal for me". In other words, he's saying "I can't be happy unless YOU change."

So keep that in mind, too, when he's attacking you. He is insecure. He does not have personal serenity, so he puts the dependence of his happiness all on your shoulders. And if you don't provide it? Well then he just gets upset and drinks to deal with his emotions.

Your AH is sick, sick, sick. And I don't mean that in a scathing way. He just has NO control over his disease and it comes out as attacks on you and other people who care about him.

Don't take it personal. Easier said than done. It will take practice, practice and more practice. I find often I am knocked all the way back down to Step One where my interactions with my AH are concerned.

Just remember, you have your HP. If you seek your HP for help and guidance, your HP will provide. It rarely ever is in the way we expect it, but it's wonderful nonetheless.

Remember: "I can't. God can. I'll let Him."

cmarina2001 · Newbie

Thank u for that. It meant a lot to hear that and know that is what he is having to face. I know that when my A is sober, which is in the morning how he talks to me and touches me it is sweet. But once he gets home he is a different person.
But that was really nice to read your post and it definetly opened up light to my life.
Thank you, thank you , thank you!

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

"But when my A is around he knows how to say the things that hurt the worst and knows it but it doesn't stop and most of the time he doesn't really recall saying it and then also if I bring up about how he hurt me then he tells me I need to be stronger and not let things get to me."

Cassie, I could have written your sentences above myself!!! How many times I have been hurt to the bone by his attitude and comments when he is drunk. How many times, after sobering up, I have told him how hurt I was only to hear him say I should not believe anything he says when he is drunk. He has no memory of the hurtful words, so he goes about his merry way....but I DO!!! I try not to take it personally, but I am not very successful. The hurt remains with me. The Latin says, "vino veritas." In wine is truth. I believe that.

I wish I had the answers for you Cassie. Sorry to say I do not. Just hang in there and be strong.

I like Aloha's response. Her words are right on point.

I send you best wishes,

Diva

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((cmarina))))))))))
It is so hard to deal with their venom, I know, but what Aloha says is right on the mark. The only thing I could possibly add to that is to remember that just as he cannot be responsible for your happiness, so you cannot be responsible for his. Happiness, serenity, emotional security is all an inside job. Someone else cannot give those things to you or him. If it gets bad enough, we all eventually look for help. If someone is there to always soften the blows of life, we never learn to take them ourselves with serenity. The only one I can change is me.

You sound like you really are doing well. Just stick to your program and let him find his in his own time.

I'm so glad you came here and posted this.

In recovery,

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I tried to hold the A who I was with responsible for his behavior for years. He never was. In fact in many ways he became more vindictive and hurtful all the time. One minute I was his savior the next his worst enemy. I had to learn how to detach and that was hard going. One of the ways I did that was to spend a lot of time here and working on myself. I stopped looking to him for validation.

I gave the A in my life tremendous power, gradually with the help of this group I took it back and I took back the reins of my life.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.