The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...you know I cannot find a single post in all of MIP where someone says: "gee, you know it was a real mistake for me to leave/divorce my alcoholic spouse, I really regret it". Just found that interesting...if I am wrong, please correct me!! Hugs, J.
PS: I am in no way saying that this is the best solution for everyone. I am just saying that once one of us does come to this choice and decides to leave, its usually a smart move.
Interesting indeed.... and for me, the advice to give the program 6 months... spend some time working on me before making any life changing decissions helped me to be "sure" of what I needed. As opposed to makeing a snap judgement and acting on a brief moment of adrenaline... I did make a well thought out decission that staying in that marriage was not for me.
My Mother stayed with my Father through years of active addiction and it worked for her, and I love them both. But it was simply not to be the path for me. I can truly say that by the time I knew that in my heart... I knew my HP was behind me and that I was doing the next right thing for my life and my children.
Very thought provoking post... thank you Jean. *smile*
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I've met people who reconciled and it worked for them. I do not advocate leave them as the only formula. Some people do make living with an A work for them. I suppose it depends on the alcoholic and history and other life commitments. Certainly for me to dissolve a 7 year relationship was really hard. For me the relationship was dissolving primarily because of his actions and my over reactions. When I stopped over reacting things changed. I kept up with that and everything changed.
What I love about this Program is that we are given the dignity to make our own decision regardless of what that decision might be...no one tells anyone else what to do. We each come to our own decisions in our own time and, hopefully, with the guidance of a HP. I should not, and do not, have an opinion regarding anyone else's decision...I simply hope that it all works out the way it is supposed to...
In my case, I decided to stay and work through the wreakage of the past for a variety of reasons. As of today, I am convinced that it was absolutely the right decision for me. If I had decided the other way, I would have really regretted it.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I left my hubby for 3 days.We talked and he went into rehab.Has bin sober for nearly 25 years.I am greatful I did not go far.I would have had regrets if I did.For he is a wonderful man.love Sharon/angel
I agonized over my decision to leave and divorce my A. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wasn't completely sure it was the right thing at the time. I just couldn't stay and fight anymore. I was mentally and financially exhausted!
Now that more time has passed and I've had plenty of time to think and reflect, I know it was definitely the right decision for me. I remember my friends saying that in time things would be better. At the time I wasn't so sure. Now I know they were right. I'm a MUCH calmer, happier person now, and I have a brighter future ahead of me!
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
It is interesting and then I fully believe that the alcoholic in my life would and could never be the source of my happiness benefit of hindsight of recovery. It wasn't about her. My problem is me and the only solution is my HP. I regret my mistakes and while my alcoholic had her fine points and the disease what I did that didn't work came first and not last. It wasn't that I should or should not have divorced her it was that I should not have ever married an active, practicing alcoholic with the thought of white picket fence, happy children and family, security and a solid peace of mind and self confidence.
Shoulda, woulda, coulda was kicked out of me in early program. Kicked because I did not let go of trying to second guess a life threatening disease.
As my sponsor use to say, "If you're gonna what if yourself to be fair you must also what if not yourself also."
Hope you're safe and warm and kinda second guessing your still here in the islands?
This is much like the fence I am straddling today but my A and I have been talking about getting back together. Years ago his A-ism ripped us apart. It was awful at the time, but in hindsight - probably the only reason I'm still walking, talking, breathing, and (partially) sane today, is because the disease has been out of my life. I missed him very much during those years - but I DID NOT MISS THE DISEASE. So the decision to reconcile with him is very, very tough. I needed to read this thread. I'm taking in as much ESH as I can these days - and praying constantly.
I have read and heard in meetings the old "Why did I go back????" but not much of " I wish I went back....." Seems that most of us leave and go back so many times that when we are finally done, we know it. We make sure that we have exausted every single thing and ourselves and then we finally decide to be done. I know for many of us, that little bit of hope that they will change someday and we will live happily ever after, never goes away. And that is perfectly ok. I have questioned my decision, but reality is, in the end, it was out of my hands. I could have stayed and wound up dead, or I could leave and move on with my life and make it better for me and the kids. Not a hard choice, once I gained the courage, strength and faith to make it. Nothing is forever and everything changes, that goes for my life and me too. The divorce was the best choice I have ever made in my life. Being free from him, his disease and everything that goes with it is priceless.
