The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted late last week my story, and thank you to everyone that responded, I did some more reserach on Al Anon, and after thinking about it and talking with my counsellor today who helped me to realize my H is alchohol dependant (he is a functioning alcoholic, but I have a hard time with term alcoholic)
He dosent want help and until he decides he needs it there is nothing I can do for him, he is choosing right now to live in denial and live with another woman, and as much as it hurts I need to move on.
The help I have found with my Al-Anon home group and here at MIP is amazing. I am so happy for you to be reaching out. Keep coming back here too.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
The A who I was with always sought other people to back him up. When I left him he'd just moved in a couple who were so drug addicted they brought him to a new low. Thankfully I was in this group at the time. He pitted me against them none the less. Then eventually they were the problem. Never, ever was he the problem, he had none, it was the world not him!
The A who I was with always sought other people to back him up. When I left him he'd just moved in a couple who were so drug addicted they brought him to a new low. Thankfully I was in this group at the time. He pitted me against them none the less. Then eventually they were the problem. Never, ever was he the problem, he had none, it was the world not him!
maresie.
Can I relate to this. He has told me I was not nice to him, PLEASE, he was not happy, the woman he chose to have an affair with and leave me for is a drinker as well, but I'm sure over time it will be "her fault" as well and he will move on.
I used to hurt so much for the way the A would badmouth me. Over time and its taken a lot of time to see that he took absolutely no responsibility for his life at all ever. He always complained endlessly that he did not get what he wanted. His expectations of me were incredible. That is my one sure shot when I meet someone, I check out their expectations if they are incredible I run for the hills!
Double Mommy, Good for you I proud. You will have a step up at your 1st Al-Anon meeting, just because of your post last Friday On MIP. Remember in Al-Anon baby steps you take are still progress. You might take 3 steps forward in the program, and a step back occasionally, we all do. Sometimes we may even fall down, nothing wrong with that, unless we decide not to get up. If that ever happens , just remember there will always be someone here at MIP, or at an Al-Alon who will always be glad to help you up. Sometimes we make mistakes, but in Al-Anon, guess what -We are allowed to make mistakes. I remember a quote at the botton of a page in our "One Day At A Time" book. The longest journey begins with a single step. I for one am so glad you have taken that first step. Hugs for the twins. Rodney
Double Mommy, Good for you I proud. You will have a step up at your 1st Al-Anon meeting, just because of your post last Friday On MIP. Remember in Al-Anon baby steps you take are still progress. You might take 3 steps forward in the program, and a step back occasionally, we all do. Sometimes we may even fall down, nothing wrong with that, unless we decide not to get up. If that ever happens , just remember there will always be someone here at MIP, or at an Al-Alon who will always be glad to help you up. Sometimes we make mistakes, but in Al-Anon, guess what -We are allowed to make mistakes. I remember a quote at the botton of a page in our "One Day At A Time" book. The longest journey begins with a single step. I for one am so glad you have taken that first step. Hugs for the twins. Rodney
Thank you,
A friend of mine thinks I'm crazy for going because she says that with him no longer living in the house, how will Al Anon help you?
Double Mommy, Many of my good friends offered me advice over time. And, with good intentions. I'm sure your friend advice was offered with your best interest in mind, just like my friends. I use this example sometimes to make a point in business, and other situations. I am sure your friend is smarter than me, I,m sure she is smarter that you, and probably smarter that the some of the people who have responsed to your posts. But, she is not smarter that all of us put together! With that in mind, go to that Monday Al-Anon meeting, and decide for yourself. You are truly a "Miricle In Progress". Remember, you are going for you, and I might add, the twins. Rodney
"If you leave your AH right now and don't get help through Al-Anon, I can almost guarantee you that a year or two from now, you'll be back in the SAME relationship with the SAME problems, it'll just be a different person."
He's right there. I have a HISTORY of being attracted to and/or drawing troubled addicts.
So, regardless of whether I'm with my AH or if I get a divorce and we're not together, there is one common denominator in my whole life's past experiences with attracting and being attracted to addicts: ME. I'm the common denominator. So that's where Al-Anon comes in for me - so I can heal myself so if the relationship with my AH should ever end, I'll hopefully be a lot less likely to end up with another addict further down the road, and if I do end up with another one, I'll know how to handle myself better.
I have a HISTORY of being attracted to and/or drawing troubled addicts
Me too, I was thinking back over my past relationships, the first "fling" I had was with someone that worked in retail when I did, (I was in my early 20's) he was a heavy drinker and partier, I knew nothing would come of it, it was fun at the time. It ended though when I found out he got his X girlfriend pregnant. But I didn't end it! He moved to be with the g/friend and "do the right thing"
Then there was my first husband, he was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, some chalk it up to his nationality. Then the "fling" between him and husband number 2 was with a guy who was 9 years older than myself, an self admitted alcoholic, and seperated from his wife but best friends with her. LOL, I was ready to move across Canada to be with him. He let me know via email it was over, again I should have gotten out before he dumped me.
Then husband #2 (the relationship that just ended) He was rasied by a father who is an A, had several affairs, and women that came and went like candy. My H remembers at one time thinking that his dad should just put a revolving door on the house. HIs mom left him at the age of 7 to be raised by his father, and took his brother and moved to another province.
I tend to attract men who need to be taken care of almost in a mother like way, and who have deep issues that THEY need to deal with.
Why do I attract these type? That's my question of the day for myself LOL.
Husband #1 Issues- He was angry at the world because his parents made him leave his country for his safety, he never drank but still he was angry that he was sent away from his family. I saw so many signs but thought with time and my love he would overcome the anger.
Fling #2- ALCOHOL and never got over the fact his marriage broke up.
Husband #2- ALCOHOL raised without love and never taught morals or how to respect anyone but himself.
The sad thing is that all 3 of these men have the potential to be wonderful partners. Infact I ran into my first H weeks ago, haven't seen him in 8 years, and told me that he realizes what is and isn't for him in life, and he should have realized that 13 years ago, then he went on to say "anyone that leaves you is an A$$hole" I asked if he included himself in that statement, and he said "Yes"
My other problem is I don't end the relationships I hang on with every ounce I have until they end it and I'm the one getting hurt. Just once I would like to not be the one getting hurt.
I'm that way too - I fought tooth-and-nail to form the relationship with my AH - he thought we just meshed together really easy, but oooh jeez did I ever work HARD to get him to love me!
I have this thing in my head now that because I fought so hard, I have a major emotional "investment" in my AH that I don't want to give up!
The thing is, is despite some of his problems, he still is a caring, sweet man when he's not in the full grips of his disease. We can make each other laugh like no one else. Before things went downhill the beginning of this year, we would find something to laugh about together just about every single day, several times a day.
So, I remember those good qualities in my AH and slowly, I'm working on figuring out if those good qualities trump the bad.
Still don't know yet, and I'll just figure it all out when the time is right.
Why do I attract these type? That's my question of the day for myself LOL.
Believe me, when you start working this program, you're going to learn a LOT about yourself and why you are the way you are. The answers will come.
I'm finding a lot of answers for me in particular at my Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting. We're reading from "From Survival to Recovery", and wow! is that ever a hard-hitting book.
Alcoholism is a family disease, if you're a co-dependent, then it's very likely you learned those traits growing up among alcoholics or other co-dependents. My mother used drugs until I was 2 years old, then finally got her act together and sobered up for my brother and I, but she still passed on a lot of crap to my brother and I, despite that she was sober. She was the child of an alcoholic father and co-dependent mother. They were children of alcoholics and their parents before them. I'm still trying to pinpoint my dad's role in all of this. He'll drink, but he can have a beer or two and not want one for months afterwards. But you know, I think he's an alcoholic deep down. I remember him telling horror stories of his going out partying and driving home and not knowing how he got home afterwards. If he's not an alcoholic, he's definitely a co-dependent. He exhibits many of those traits - the perfectionism, the need to control everything and plan, plan, plan... yep. I got to being the way I am from both my parents.
"The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree".
So happy for you that you're going to face to face meetings! Hang on to your hat, because you're in for quite a ride - and overall, it's a GOOD ride!
I didn't want to go and when I went, I didn't know why I was going other than I was miserable and he was in denial. Glad you are going to f2f al anon meetings and keep coming back here too.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
