The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had read in an Alanon book that it is hard to get rid of an alcoholic. I hadn't heard from my A-bf since early February... I thought I was rid of him for good now. And not necessarily by my choosing. I was "fired" by his father.
His father left a weird voice mail for me back in February; then I had called him back and there was that wierd conversation. Basically I felt like I was being "let go" from the family.
So, I thought that was it. It was over. No more A-bf. Hadn't heard another thing until the ER called me late March to come pick up the A-bf (which I didn't do). I still have no idea what that was about because I was practicing my Alanon of "letting go of the need to know." I didn't know then; don't need to know now.
Yesterday I get a voice mail from A-bf: he is in a long-term rehab in another state, blah, blah, blah (phone call got cut off). I have no idea where he is or what the heck is going on. Practicing some more, "letting go of the need to know."
Today he calls again, only this time I happened to be home (and awake) and answered it. He again tells me he is in long-term rehab through July, that the place is crappy, the food is crappy, and that he cannot make amends to me yet because he is not on Step 9. He tells me that he told his Dad to tell me to "forget it" (i.e. end the relationship), but that it was his disease talking; that he was messed up and didn't mean it.
Oh, Lord. I'm glad he is in another state! I am going to go bury my head in the sand now. LOL
Seriously, I have a million questions swimming through my head. I purposely did not ask for a way to contact him... because that helps me to practice, "letting go of the need to know." I'm working on getting rid of THAT addiction.
I had just been thinking today (because of getting the voice mail yesterday):
It seems to me that when an Alanoner asks an Alcoholic about his recovery, we are then called "controlling."
If we don't ask about their recovery, we are accused of being "in denial."
I'm at the point where I do nothing... nothing but work on "Letting go of the need to know." I know nothing.
The letting go of the need to know is only one little part that works and it is not a recognition that while we are practicing this the world stops revolving and time stands perfectly still. The day will come when someone walks into the room and draws back the curtains...and I say "Oh my God everythings sooo different now! Where am I?" Sticking your head in the sand is an appro- priated metaphor for what you describe. It's okay not to. It's okay to know and know that you know and not have to react to it. You don't always have to do something with what you know. Awareness is one of the important of the three "A"s. Action doesn't come until number 3.
He disappeared you got notices that he was still alive. That means that he still has his old mindset and beliefs while yours have changed. You live by yours not his or anyone elses. He say he is not ready to make an amends to you not realizing that amends means "change" not apology. We often get that one screw up...bassackwards. He changes cause he has to not because he needs to keep you. You can move on without shame or guilt or any other device that enablers are stuck to that keep them attached to unacceptable life styles. He woke up thinking that he will emerge in the same place at the same time with another chance. The world changed while he was lost...You changed while he was lost. "It might be his time to say "Oh God every- things soooo different now! Where am I?"
You have choices. You have had them all the while. You've had them since you were conceived in the mind of your HP. Knowing what you want and where you want to go before you make your choices will help you make the right choices. That's a freebie from my early sponsor. It works.
I will never be rid of my alcoholic and the experiences we shared and the result that I found myself in the Al-Anon Family Groups. My HP can take a totally blown out situation and turn it into gold for me if I am willing, honest and humble. For that I am extreemly grateful.
I've been in a relationship with my alcoholic for three years now. He has quit drinking (no program) and I continually stick with him. I have not learned the art of setting boundaries with him and making them stick. I basically have been trying to break it off with him since we met. We are now married and it doesn't get any easier. I am codependent on him for help with my farm and he is codependent on me for life support. He buys sells and trades, but doesn't work a real job, I wish I had more e,s, & h for you, but I can't seem to detach myself from my alcoholic. All I know is the longer it goes on the harder it is to get him to leave. He won't leave, even though he has his own place 8 miles down the road, I don't insist that he leave because I need his help here on the farm. The farm belongs to my mom, whom I believe at 85 would like to see all this end too and I wish I could do it for her and my daughter who is 10, but as I've heard some say I guess I haven't gotten 'sick and tired' enough of being 'sick and tired' and when I do I'll move off square one.
I applaud you for sticking to your guns and not getting drawn back in. They are very good at that, master manipulators that they are. Stick to your guns and 'letting go of the need to know'. Letting go and letting God sometimes means not having to know all the details of their life once we've moved on.
What a great job you did! I am impressed. I really used to feel I had to be the center of the universe. I had no idea that was a manifestation of my low self esttem. I also felt I needed to be needed.
I don't much think about anymore what the A thinks because I know his needs are voracious and I can't meet them. Moreover I know he has no intention of ever meeting mine and for once I am in the picture rather than left out of it.
