The material presented
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Not even an hour after I last posted, any serenity I thought I had come to, got destroyed. I hate that! Makes me feel stupid.
I phoned my AH for two purposes. First, I wanted my son to stay at the office for the day since he didn't have school. Second, my youngest had an injury, and given the medical background my AH has, I stupidly thought he could help.
In essence, he did not have the patience to listen to my description; he didn't think I was getting to the point. I had hesitated as I was trying to come up with the correct anatomical location, and he jumped on me. Now, this is something he has done to me before, but this time it ticked me off! So, essentially I told him to "never mind" and just hung up.
He calls back and says he is sorry but then adds, " but, you and (our son) start talking without getting to the point and blah, blah, blah... and if you want me to be reasonably entertained..." to which I replied that it wasn't about him but our child, and then I asked him why he always had to be such an a**. He hung up on me.
This, my friends, has nothing to do with aism and everything to do with being a jerk. He got so caught up in his impatience that he did not even find out what was wrong with our child. About 30 min later he called and I didn't answer, so then he called my older son and asked him if he knew what the injury was about (which he didn't). He followed with a text to me that apologized and said he should have been more patient, that he was concerned about the injury, and would try to go look at it during the day. I texted back, "don't bother - I found help elsewhere", and felt good about that simple truthful response.
He still has no idea what happened. He returned a call to my son last night and he asked him again. At least it is bugging him, but still probably not as much as it is bugging me.
I think what hurt me was the attack on who I am. We weren't fighting. I wasn't presenting anything controversial. He just is so caught up in himself. I am far from perfect, I don't script things out before I talk... so what?
I called my pseudo-sponsor and talked it all out before I went to work and felt better. Of all the horrible things he has done to me, this pales in comparison, but it sure hurt and stayed with me all day.
Trying to stay present, but when I get in a funk, all the details of what is real pounds down on me. I do want out of my life right now, just don't know how it will happen without bad ramifications.
Enough for now. Thanks for being here.
Blesssings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou, sounds like that going to the hardware store for bread thing! I did that recently also with my AH who I am separated from. I called him to try to have a simple discussion about something concerning both of us and it turned into such a nasty little exchange that I had to hang up on him. I expected a calm sane person to have a discussion with- now why would that be?! Denial. Hope. Wishful thinking. Nothing changes when nothing changes, as they say. We get more of the same when we go back looking for something different. Please do not be too hard on yourself. We once thought these people actually cared but their disease prevents them from doing so. Every single little thing is like fuel to the fire for them. You will learn to no longer bother contacting him, it will just become too painful. This is what happened to me.
We deserve to have some good people around us in our lives. We can achieve this. We can trust and have good interactions where we can ask, enter into dialogue safely with others. Let the alcoholics go about their ways and days. We can keep to ours. Please do not be too hard on yourself. I still do this, too. Hugs, J.
I hear ya.My AH (sober) does this same thing to me.He says I take too long to get to the point.He gets bored and he'll start walking away or look at his watch or something.Yet I am supposed to be eternally patient while he talks non stop about himself. He also does the attacking me personally thing.Whenever we have an argument he goes right for the jugular.I have told him we should be able to discuss our differences of opinion without making it a personal attack.I don't do that to him. I thought this WAS aism,especially sobriety,because he wasn't like this when he drank.He is much harder to live with now.Less patient,more irritable. My pre-Alanon reaction was hurt feelings and telling myself I am stupid.It connected right back into my childhood and my family making me feel weird and different.Now I know better.His impatience,his dealing with life sans alcohol,those are HIS problems.I am not taking on an attack just because HE feels inadequate. I know who I am and it's ok to be who I am.Other people like talking to me.They actually LOOK at me and respond when I talk.I know I am not boring.It's just AH's self centeredness again. Try listening to what you are telling yourself after one of these episodes.Are you putting yourself down?Telling yourself he's right,you are too slow,you drag things out? I used to do this.Then I'd clam up to get revenge.I'll show him,I won't even talk about myself,he won't know anything that's going on with me......as Jerry said HA HA I got me now!! He doesn't CARE what's going on with me.He just wants somebody to talk AT. I also understand about wanting out of your life.It's been 2 years since I discovered the online girlfriend.He has been to see her twice (she lives in another state) and she just wants to be friends.He has another woman 'friend' that he takes to meetings and to get her groceries,to see her daughter who is in foster care.She is on disability and does not have a car.He says she just wants to be friends too. It is so over with us.We live as roomates but it's not easy.I love my house and at times it feels worth it to stay here and put up with his disease.But at other times I just want my own place.I am determined this summer to work on the remodeling projects that are unfinished so the house will be ready for sale when I finally have had enough and it's no longer worth it to stay here.I think that time is getting close.I think I needed these two years to work the program and get to the point where the denial is gone and I am facing reality.I AM. Sorry,I got off on a tangent. Hang in, it's progress not perfection.We'll have to deal with this stuff forever but thank God,it does get better.
Oooh - I HATE those callbacks to say "they're sorry" - BUT - you did this and you did that and rag rag rag rag rag!
They didn't call to apologize. They called to complain some more.
My AH tried that with me earlier last week. He called me at work while he was off on a fishing tournament with his brother and friend. "Hey, what're you doing? ...Oh that's nice. Um... I just called to say sorry for being grumpy..."
I immediately interject because I just KNOW what's coming - he's either going to say "but you did (whatever)" or "but such and so did (whatever)" and it would turn into either a big attack on me or a big whine-fest - neither of which, I wanted to hear.
So I cut him off and said, "That's okay. Thank you for the apology. So you having fun fishing? Oooh you caught something? That's GREAT! Hey - have a fantastic day, okay. I have to get back to work now. Bye!"
There - he got his apology in and I didn't have to be whined to or yelled at after it.
I have heard many times at AA meetings that A's have no attention span whatsoever. Even when they get sober it can take months or even years for them to be able to concentrate on anything for any length of time. And of course that's assuming that they even want to work on it. I heard one person say that that was why the meetings are 90 minutes long. It helps the A learn how to focus their thinking for longer and longer the more they attend. Don't know if its true, but what I'm getting at(yes, I do have a point here LOL) is that it has NOTHING to do with us. They will make excuses and blame it all on us as they do everything else, but it is their problem, not ours.
So, you do not have to worry about his lack of attention or how long it takes you to come to the point. If he has the attention span of a 2 yo, it has nothing to do with you. That is for him to fix. And what does one do when they are attacked with venom? We learn how to protect ourselves, leave, hang up, whatever. If I do not engage, I have nothing to be guilty for. I can just say, when you are ready to have an adult conversation then let me know.
You communicate just fine as far as I can see. You are a perfectly intelligent woman who doesn't have to take that from anyone.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I think I've come out of the 'how could you' stuff but the hurt can be very present at times. I also know all about the "sorry's". In fact some program's talk about the I'm sorry drunk. One of my housemates (who is a recovering addict kept doing the same stuff and saying she was sorry and I said it didn't count if she kept doing it since obviously she wasn't sorry. It took a lot of concerted effort to get her to see the point. I don't intend to engage much again. That is way too much work. I have to say this they are absolutely oblivious for years.
Does that help? Probably not. I know how hard it is to hear don't take it personally when you've been stomped into the ground. For me it was so important to learn to detach to really expect very very little (and that was also hard to take too because it seemed like letting him off scott free). At the same time I was always expecting the A to be agreeable and he never was so something was really "off' on my expectations. I kept going back and hoping for a different outcome.
There is a saying in Al anon you don't go to the butchers to buy bread. I went there for years. Now I try to strategize where will I get my needs met.
I also had huge illusions about the A wouldn't touch certain things like our home, our vehicles, our finances, our life, he eventually destroyed all of them. He crossed every single boundary there was. I was oblivious on another level. I certainly wasn't paying close attention. These days in a boundaried place I pay attention to every single thing because I'm really invested in getting my needs met. Maresie.
