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Ok, so I know I've not posted in a while, and a lot of things has been happening medically wise as of here recently...however I have managed to make each one of my F2F meetings except for the last 2 weeks. Which brings me to the question that I have.
I contacted my sponsor to let her know that I would be there this week and what was going on since we hadn't spoken in about a week. Now she knows all of my underlying medical problems, we have discussed them in detail. So as we were talking, she asked me "when was the last meeting you attended?" I said it had been 2 weeks ago, except she didn't give me the opportunity to tell her that I had attended a meeting in a neighboring town this evening before she said: "Well, you need to figure how you are going to start attending meetings otherwise I'm not going to be able to help you. "
So here is my question, even though this woman and I don't have one of the greatest relationships right now, how would all have responded to this? I truly appreciate her and everything she has done for me, however I didn't appreciate being told that when she knew the reasons for me not making the past 2 meetings. So please don't mistake what I am saying as I want to find another sponsor or something, but I also know that sponsors and sponsoree's should have a decent relationship...something her and I apparently don't have with another since I officially missed 2 meetings.
It was probably during my relationships with my sponsors that I learned not to take things, especially myself, sooo seriously. I learned to let "things" pass and learned to ask for more feedback on the stuff that I didn't. I got further feedback when I ask, "What did you mean by that?"
None of my sponsors ever did anything to hurt me intentionally. You don't hurt people you love intentionally and never when they don't participate in it. Heck not even my alcoholic tried to hurt me intentionally either. I guess I also learned how to put away my Al-Anon "hand shake", you know the one where you point your index finger at anther person and wag it up and down?
All my sponsors had strengths and weaknesses in areas that I needed to witness. There were many times that a sponsor came to my assistance when they and only they could aid me and there were times when I reciprocated...all out of love both ways.
I learned to detach from my alcoholic using my sponsors and others and I learned to detach from my sponsors also when that was necessary. Imagine watching your sponsor falling asleep during a meeting and falling out of his chair unto the floor. I was horrified, hurt, humored or a part of it. He did his own explanation and apology to the group. That man taught me that there is no possible way to outdistance God or be in a place that God wasn't there first.
When I caught my sponsors being human I identified more. Go figure!!
Thank you so much for the response Jerry F.; I truly appreciate your words, and what I have forgotten is that it is OK to detach from my sponsor when I need to. She is a truly wonderful person, and definetly has gotten me through some tough times, however when I catch her not being the "person" that I have always known her to be, it throws me for a loop. I often forget that others are human, and hence there will be human err. Thank you so much for reminding me of that!
I often forget also that I have other people in which I can contact to help me and talk to; I don't always have to speak with just "one" particular person. That is something that I have had a hard time with....but something I am also working on as well.
Again, thank you for the snap back into reality! Charity C.
One thing that we learn in the program is to not take it personally. That's how we human beings are - always messing with each other. Who knows, she could have been upset about something else and laid it on you. Keep working your program. My sponsor helps me tremendously.
Actually, I'm wondering why you answered "2 weeks ago" instead of "I went to one today in neighboring town!"
I don't know if this applies to your particular situation, but I do know of cases where a sponsor pulls back because the sponsee isn't doing the work - they call, month after month, with the same litany of problems, but they aren't doing the things the sponsor is suggesting - specifically, going to meetings. Is it possible sponsor believes you're not putting in the effort? And why should she put in effort, if you're not going to?
(I'm not saying I agree with her, mind; just suggesting this could be where she's coming from.)
Are you doing the other things she suggests? Reading every day in a daily reader for example?
I agree with Jerry - this is a good opportunity to practice communication skills. Ask for clarification, state the things you feel you ARE doing, remind her that you had already talked about the reasons you missed those meetings, state your confusion. Practice staying calm while you talk about it.
I think "how I would have responded" would depend on how much time we had been working together, and what the history of that time was. If I were seeing a pattern of talking but not doing, I might respond in the same way. I kinda think I would say "remember you get out of it what you put into it" a few times before going that far, though.
