The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been working on my personal inventory and find myself even more depressed.
I hurt someone really bad and I have regretted it ever since (10 years ago). I was living with a guy...a normal guy. He loved me for who I was, never asked for anything from me and treated me like a princess. He had no real vices. I got bored and allowed someone else to capture my attentions. I told my live in that we needed to separate because I was having thoughts of someone else. He was heartbroken, told me he loved me and would give me my space to make my decisions. He still called daily and left special notes for me. I got bothered, felt smothered and clung more to the new guy. I was torn. I knew I loved my live in but was giddy with the attention of the new guy. The new guy was exciting. At one point, on the phone my live in asked me to tell him that I didn't love him anymore. I remember this as clear as it happened two minutes ago. I didn't want to say it. I wanted him to stop cornering me. I wanted him to just stop. I closed my eyes, held my stomach and I said it...."I don't love you anymore." That was it, he stopped calling. Just like that. My head was spinning. I knew I had lied to him. I just wanted him to stop. As it turns out the new guy was controlling. I know now that my becoming involved with him was part of my own dysfunction to be in an unhealthy relationship. I totally lost control of myself with this person. He told me how to dress, socialize, manipulated me, verbally and physically abused me and still, I married him. Before I married him, I made contact with the first guy and told him that I was getting married. He looked at me and asked me if I was happy and I mumbled that I was. I think even then I knew I was in a bad place. I was looking for an excuse out but was too weak to do it on my own. Spineless. I hate that I couldn't do it on my own. This man that I left was so kind, so grand that he didn't kick me in the ass for coming to him. He just listened and sent me on my way. Four months after I married the second guy, my husband met another woman and started an affair. One month after that he kicked me out of our home, no money, no clothes, no place to go. I begged him to take me back, that I could change, make him happy. It was horrible. I am an educated, professional person. I could easily see an abused woman if it were a friend but, personally, I was blinded. After we divorced I was lost. I began thinking about the first guy and made contact with him. Not to get back together or anything. I knew that I owed him a apology. I told him how sorry I was that I put him though that. Again, he was a gentleman. He simply accepted my apologies and told me he understood. He explained that he was seeing someone and shared a little about their relationship. I later heard that he had said that he felt sorry for me because he thought I was "man jumping." I was horrified. That was not what I was trying at all. I was trying to repent. I stopped contact and he didn't try. I heard he ended up marrying the girl he had talked to me about. He had told me that he didn't really think that was going anywhere and didn't like that he felt chased by her. Still, I was happy for him because I didn't think he was the type to jump into anything and he must have changed his thinking about the relationship. Meanwhile, I'm still messed up and I get involved with my current boyfriend, my alcoholic. I've been with him for about six years now. I know, in the back of my mind, that this isn't where I'm supposed to be. About a year after my exboyfriend/live-in got married to his wife, me and my current boyfriend ran into them. As gentlemanly as ever, he called out to me and I waved him over. We talked together for nearly an hour, all four of us. Even, after all of this, I could feel my heart race for this guy. Finally, his wife asked me if I was the one who had broken her husband's heart. I admitted that I was and rambled on about bygone's and water under the bridge. Inside, I felt the gut wrench that I felt when I was on the phone with him, so many years ago. I could see that she wanted to part ways so we said goodbye and that was it. I honestly have thought of this man every day since then. This is embarrassing. I see how this looks. I feel like a stalker although I have done nothing even remotely close to stalking. I simply cannot get over the fact that this was probably the one person who ever truly loved me and I loved back and now he's gone. I threw him away!! Because of my need to be in the ups and downs kind of relationship. An adrenaline junky. I now feel like, because I did this to him, I had my chance, I passed it by for my own addiction (caretaker) and I will never get it back. There is no reason to leave the relationship that I am in even tho' he's an alcoholic and I am still caretaking. I know it's wrong. I don't see a reason to try to better myself, to stop caregiving. If I do, who will have me and it will never be as good as the original one that I left. I am miserable. I do know that I don't need someone to make me happy, that that comes only from me. I feel non-deserving, I'm punishing myself and I don't know how to stop. Thanks for listening.
Well, you certainly explained it well. I don't have life experience with this. My AHSober left so I view everything from being the one who was left behind. I am just now thinking that I should start looking for friendship elsewhere because it doesn't look like he is coming back. What comes to mind it the Alanon phrase of "principles before personalities" ie not focus on the people but on what you are trying to accomplish. Not the people but what you are saying about yourself and your life. Hope it all works out.
Didn't you say that you felt bored with the first relationship and then excited with the second and then? What happened...happened. You did make your apologies? You even explained to others who needed no explanation? You've done all the "to them/with them" work I can hear. Seems you are at the "to me and for me work." "...and I have found that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems" from page 449 of the older edition of the AA "Big Book." How does it fit? Acceptance of self good, bad and ugly; past and present.
It's a fact...it happened (all of it) and now it's over. Accept that it happened and then let it go. Grieve over the sad stuff. Celebrate the good stuff. Learn from the awareness stuff and then let your HP have the whole thing.
If you are to learn more your HP will tell you what and when. If you are do to more with it your HP will tell you what and when also. Once your HP has the stituation you won't get it back unless you snatch it from your HP's hands.
I say, we all have a true love lost, we all have the potential of finding another. I have hope that by working on me, working out every morning, losing some weight, taking pride in my appearance, opening up to new people, starting up conversations a new one will fall right into my lap. And if not, I'm certainly none the worse for it!!!
sounds like you've been to hell and back. Why keep beating yourself up. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I think as a codependent I have very little ability to judge and make rational decisions. As I work through my codependency my ability to make choices changes. Before then it didn't. I may have seen people who looked good but who knows. The A who I was with sure looked good in the beginning we all know how he turned out.
Be nice to yourself, you are in recovery you're here to take care of yourself not beat yourself into a pulp over something that might not have been as it seems.
I've been away from here for a few weeks but someone referred me to your post. WOW, I have found in my experience when one relationship ends, i revert back to the previous one. To search for comfort, or blame that person. I too have acted like you on occasion. I have for the last four months had a fantastic guy in my life. All be it he is a professional man, and holds a very busy lifestyle with his career, kids, friends and things. Somewhere in all of that he found a place for me. For the first time in my life he taught me what love is. I have never experienced that feeling. I have thought i had been in love but it wasn't....
I made a decision last night that has broken my heart. When i'm with him, its wonderful he treats me with kindness, loving and plenty of affection. But when i'm not with him, i feel like i don't matter to him. Like he only sees me on his terms. So for the first time in my life i have "let Go" of him beth.
I can see whats going on. And inside my heart of hearts i feel used. That feeling wasn't going away, and i knew if i continued to go on seeing him, i was only setting myself up for a major heartache. Again "Fear of Rejection" come into this.....
I have let the relationship go, I am going through pain, because he is the "best" person to come into my life "EVER"...Am i wearing rose coloured glasses here aswell?????
My instinct has told me to "let go, let god" Maybe i have made the biggest mistake of my life here. But in doing this i have left myself to be free from heartache later on in this relationship. And who knows maybe he will realise what he had and come back...I can only hold on to my love for him and hope he does. But if not Beth...I will survive this like everything else in my life.
We do not NEED a man in our lives....We can be on our own.....I am now, and will just carry on "one day at a time"..I'm loving who i am becoming.. Right now i have NO AL-ANON in my life.......I've not been to f2f in over 3 months, and i've left this site...I am using my space to discover my innerself. But for me to rreply to your post....LOL Al-anon is tatoo'd on my forehead i think lol...
Please think of what I have said....only YOU can and WILL make yourself Happy from the inside out....
