The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've had quite the week, with plenty of opportunities to use my alanon tools.
My job, which I have been at for many years, gives me a high degree of autonomy - I basically am my own boss, within the limits of reality (budget, licensing regulations, etc). We got a new director in January, and since that time she has had not one word to say to me about the way I do this job - no suggestions for changes, nothing. So, I assumed that she was happy with what i was doing.
She made an offhand comment this Monday that seemed to indicate that she was planning to take all of this control and automony away from me. I spent a few days, thinking over how I felt about that, and waiting for her to let me know what was going on - worked very hard on not jumping to conclusions, not obsessing, not projecting. I just allowed my feelings to come up, over the course of a few days. I realized that if what I suspected was true, I was fully prepared to leave my job - this just took too much of the satisfaction out of it.
So, yesterday, since she had still not approached me, I decided it was time to find out what was going on. I asked to speak to her, and said "So, what's up with this issue?" She started burbling on, and I said "No, I asked what is up. What's going on? Are you taking the planning out of my hands?" She answered "Why yes, of course!" with a very phony surprise on her face, and I realized that there was some kind of game being played here. I just said "No, that is not acceptable to me". I ws still feeling good about how this was going - asking clear questions, making clear statements. I started to explain my position, and that's when it went all screwy.
She got very agitated, blurted out a lot of disconnected stuff, and then started talking about resigning, herself! And it was like a switch flicked in my head, and all of a sudden I was furious. I told her I quit, and walked out.
By the time I got home, I was starting to think about that switch in my head - what was happening there? Why did I get so mad, so fast? Last night at my meeting it started to be clear to me - when she became irrational, it brought me back to trying to discuss things with an active A. I'd be all calm and organized, with points I wanted to make, while all he was doing was putting up a smoke screen so I'd go away and stop talking about difficult stuff. I think my anger yesterday was in part old anger, at never being able to have my say with the A. And, of course, the anger I was feeling in this situation - it really was a shabby way to treat me, after all this time and with no prior warning or discussion.
Since the only part of this that I wasn't happy with was my anger, I decided I'd apologize for that, this morning when I saw her (yesterday I had just dropped off my letter of resignation and two weeks notice without talking to her again).
This morning, I found out that she had in fact resigned. A board member came to talk to me and begged me to withdraw my resignation, and told me my job description would be written into my contract so this couldn't happen again. So, I'm validated, and I still have my job, which I actually do love. But it's nice to know that I could leave if I have to - last night when I thought I was done it felt fine - no panic, no regrets. I'll spend the next week feeling out if I need to do some low key fence mending with "her side" - colleagues who might want to blame me for all of this. I don't think there will be much if any of that though - I really don't feel like I behaved badly here.
And that's the program - it saved me from getting into gossip fests last week when I still didn't know what was going on. It saved me from making myself unhappy with obsessive thoughts. It helped me figure out where my anger was coming from, and made it easy for me to apologize for it. It helped me clearly state my boundaries, and feel no fear about enforcing them. It will help me act appropriately next week, when things are bound to be uncomfortable.
I still don't really understand what was going on there - if she was plannig on leaving anyway, why was she messing with my job? And if she did this in order to force me out, why did she then resign when she'd gotten me to quit? but I have learned here that I don't need to understand other people's behaviour. I just need to understand my own, and calmly act in my own best interests. I didn't QUITE do this this time, but not bad. Any anyway, I've also learned that I can forgive myself for not being perfect.
What a post!! I saw myself in it very clearly...boy did I. I thought that the decision to quit was yours? I got the part that you heard something, made something out of it, got fearful, decided to approach the source, found the source kinda squirrley and defensive, got angrier and accelerated until you quit and then thought about it after a meeting.
Here's my metaphor. I "think" that something is a miss and suspect that it won't go my way whatever it is. I get pissed because I think that he, she, it or they are against me and are going to take my power away and I assure myself that I am right in this and start inflating my chest making sure that my bravado and pride are way out there. I don't ask anyone else about how they see the picture instead I go to the dynamite shed and pull out more than enough sticks of dynamite than I need because I am now off reason and more into insanity and just afraid, afraid, afraid. I am afraid that it's over for me and that he has all the power so if I am going to go down and I am sure that I am the bigger bang the better. I now having not slept soundly the night before because I have been preoccupied with the problem and the nuclear solution to but it mildly I am fuel for the confrontation. I like the sound of my own voice, my spiel, my presence and my oppositional defiance and when he squirms...reacts I light the fuse to my explosives and blow up the whole damned bridge!! Ha Ha I got me that time!!
The last time I was in this situation the director of the program called me and made an apology and said that I was too valuable to loose...my very own un- solicited verification...and they wanted me back. I loved the work...working within an alternative to violence program with men I truely respected and loved. They felt the same and were angry that I was not there and they couldn't get me back...another verification. However I had sealed the battle with my own anger and pride. I would not go back as long as "HE" was my supervisor. "He" was this and he was that and he was my excuse to really put my program to the test.
I have absolutely no real idea about how anything really is. I only have guesses and suspicions and those are valueless when I consider not going to my HP and using patience and humility. I considered the bridge completely blown up and once I do that I don't go back. That arrogance on my part has not served my HP very well. It's not doing my part and it's not being humble (teachable) I am sure I missed a very major miracle by resorting to my "I'll show you right here right now attitude." "I'll just blow my brains out all over your office and then you're next." LOL
When I do things that way I pray that I have more than enough time to ponder and meditate on why I do what I do in the way that I do it for the reasons that I give myself.
When I am fearful and after that angry? I know I am in trouble if I try to act out all by myself without help from my HP and sponsor.
One of the important things that I taught the guys I worked with regarding anger was..."You were fearful first". "You might not want to admit to it or even think you felt it and if you take it apart just before the anger...the feeling was fear."
Thanks for the honest, trusting post. Thems the kind that helps me grow.
ugh!! there is obviously something I need to learn here or perhaps it's just normal to feel the way you guys describe. I don't get it! When something is "wrong" there is an "issue" that obviously involves the outcome of my life I feel I must know what is going on and when I don't I feel "taunted". I don't even know if one should be expected to go on and behave as if when there is obviously something "up".
I look forward to HP showing me his plan for my life with regard to this.
Wow, Jerry! Thanks for shining a light from a different corner. That gives me an entierly new angle to examine this from - I've realy been feeling like it all just didn't make a lot of sense. Pride and defensiveness certainly had their part to play in this story.
Whoa Lin, could have been me when I was at work... scary...defensiveness yeah I so relate, pride, hm I would be dishonest if I said I had not been there too.
Jerry is great and I just love his insights. Right on Jerry. Cannot add anything further I am so with Jerry too, it took a lot of talking to myself to get through my time.
Thank you Lin you are so precious to me. Love you
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I don't think I have ever doubled up on a share in MIP. There's a first time for everything and here's my first double up...unless of course someone's got a better memory than mine and will correct that statement.
Dru I'm glad you got the reality of my statement. My sponsor's personal tutelege in regard to the very same condition that Lin opened with.
I am grateful more Lin for you post. It was important enough to stay with it for me that I continued the thinking it over and meditating on the awarenesses and truths I have learned about me and the subject over the years.
Great place to meditate and think; up on a roof 20 - 30 feet off the ground with a scraper and file and of course a tether to keep me there and not in defiance of gravity. I don't fly well without an airplane and I suffer from a compulsive disorder that suggests I do all kinds of weird things that most humans are negatively affected by. I stayed on the roof. My HP said "hello" and "I'm caring about you" with two white butterflies at different times yet so very close to my cheek. One was one of those small pretty things and the other was a White Monarch. "Thank you" and "I feel the same about you also" were all the response I think that was needed.
I revisited your subject again and asked myself why was I often a runner? Why not tough it out with and open mind and acceptance and without the taking it so personal. One reason of course was in hindsight I didn't have this program to learn from. I found that in my family of origin I was the one that was hurt and afraid so easily from birth. I use to use isolation (earned the nickname "the Lone Ranger") and withdrawal. Additionally I am a depressive. Life was hard, bad and there was nothing else promised for me. Therefore I "fixed" that attitude in my mind; "Life is bad and scarey" I had no defenses against it other than to be sensitive and to hide when I felt scared and also project that doom and gloom into my future.
That didn't help but I used it until I adopted another personality. Instead of "flight" I took on the personality of "fight". Problem was I now fought every thing and body.
This grew until I made discoveries in Al-Anon and in counseling. In counseling I found out that I was dysthymic...Low grade, life long depressive. I also found out that I had a multi-personality disorder with oppositional defiance. I remember creating the other personality...Bigger than life ego and pride without substance. I created the personality to protect my other self the quiet, nice, likeable fearful kid. The oppositional defiant personality always said "NO" to everything rather than risk joining in with others and growing. I kept myself back and didn't learn how to mature again because of fear. When I did join in it would be random and I would either make a joke of myself or do some very risky choices. It was a mess.
I had yet to learn about "being afraid". If you asked me if I was I would say "NO" and then I would get angry. When the fear grew the anger grew and then I would get violent. I would go out to the dynamite shed after I found some matches.
If I had any control at all I would not light the fuse I would yell scream and flee. For me it was "all or nothing at all" or "black and white" Most of the time I was just crazy and driving others crazy also.
I looked at how life could have been had I stayed calm and compassionate. How if I had an attitude that the others I was afraid of or angry at were really just misled? Because they said what they said or did what they did or acted as they acted did that really mean that I was the only one responsible? I saw that out of my fear, sensitivity, insecurity, negative emotions and projections I could only come up with one solution during events like these and that I was afraid, being threatened, would loose anyway, and would flee somehow managing to try to keep my head up and nose in the air.
Shoulda, coulda, woulda...the past is the past. I am grateful for this program because it gives me other choices when I get other chances. I get more opportunities to experience a wide range of events with their emotions and do something different honestly and for additional positive growth.
I get to accept the fact of the past and not second guess the future. My future will be different when I practice something different now to attain more acceptable outcomes.
Using the tools of this program to positively affect my life and the life of another is a huge awareness. Being able to stand in my shoes and know I could fit in their's also is huge (understanding). Viewing others through the lens of compassion brings us together. I can never have another enemy under this condition. I will have an opportunity for empathy. HUGE!!
All this goooood stuff and I didn't fall off of the roof although there is that nasty problem provoking trouble maker still in my head telling me if it happened I'd be fine...just fine.
I am grateful for your post and the support to it. Major education.
