The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Is this detaching? I don't feel love right now, just anger. Anger at myself for all the fixing and stopping my 31 yr old A son from feeling and living consequences, and anger at him for drinking and drugging and creating all the chaos that I've lived in for 10 years. (It's taken me 9 1/2 years to realize my enabling part.) So life is much better these last 2 weeks without a word from him, but I am a coward. If I call and he is a mess, (he just ended 5 months sober with a giant binge, no job, no place to live) I will be distraught. So I don't call. Now I have terrible visions of a police car coming up the drive to tell me something terrible has happened, and I still don't call. I am upset that I don't feel any love right now, just anger and fear. Detaching with love means being part of his life, when he is respectful and kind, and backing off when he is abusive and mean, but I don't feel like exposing myself to whatever frame of mind he is in. Is that detaching with love? Laura
You still love him... I'd say what you're doing right now is detaching with love if only because currently talking with him will only disrupt your serenity.
I think detachment gone awry would be detaching from our A's feeling nothing but hatred and resentment towards them and harboring those feelings.
The trick for me is to basically not detach with really any feeling at all except for compassion at the very least and then erase all feelings of worry, fear, anxiety, etc. so I can live my life in peace and maintain my serenity.
Laura,I replied to your post last week . I am proud of you , everyone has to decide when the time is right to detach , no one can make that decision for you. I think you said it all when you said,LIFE HAS BEEN SO MUCH BETTER THE LAST TWO WEEKS. What you tried the last ten years did not work as you stated. Remember the three C's , you did not cause it , you can't control it, and you can't cure it. So why not continue trying detachment. In Courage to change Pg. 124 it says,"Sometimes it is more loving to allow the A to experience the natural consequences or their actions , even when it is painful for both of us. In the long run , both of us will benefit , Today I will put love first in my life." Probably the best thing you can do is keep your hands off and turn it over to your HP. But', regardless whatever decision you make I am still very proud of you. Rodney
I detached with anger and resentment and hatred at first, and periodically in between but now it has come to acceptance and compassion. I don't think it matters how you do it so much as that you do it however you have to. Sounds like you are protecting yourself and your serenity. Of course you still love him, he's your son but you know you can't fix him and so why put yourself thru torment?
Knowing that you love someone and actually FEELING that love are two different things. I spent so many years stuffing my own feelings and trying to take care of my A that when we separated last fall, all I could feel for a long time was relief. Now... I know I love my AH, but for the last few months I have really struggled, as you are now, with a total lack of being able to FEEL it.
I think the fear and anger we have stuffed for so long just seem to take over for awhile. Then for me they started to subside and there was what felt like a lack of feeling altogether. That was kind of scary. Then slowly I have learned to feel some of the good stuff again, the joy and peace that comes with little everyday stuff. It is a slow rebuilding, for me, of my balance of emotion.
I was worried for a long time that my relationship with my AH was just damaged beyond repair. What would that mean for my marriage? But I talked to Al-Anon friends and tried to relax and take it one day at a time and let myself heal from the hurt of living with this disease for so long.
Today I can feel some joy and anger and fear ore no longer my constant companion. And the most wonderful thing, in just the last few days I am starting to FEEL love for my AH again. It is a great relief and even a little scary. I find myself wanting him around for more than just help with the household and farm chores. I am starting to want to hug him instead of just allowing myself to be hugged.
I am still wary and realistic and I think I may always be. I kind of hope I always am. But they say that love cannot exist without some measure of justice. I believe that. I think detachment, emotional and physical, allows us to limit the damage and that in itself is a measure of justice that allows us to preserve our love for some people who are just too toxic to be around.
So try to go easy on yourself. You still love your son. I know that even if you don't right now. You have been hurt badly and healing takes time. Learning the skills Al-Anon has for you takes time. As you learn how to love and nurture yourself first, get rid of the old fears and resentments, the other stuff will fall into place. It is for me, and it is for others I know.
Hope this helps.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Detaching with love means being part of his life, when he is respectful and kind, and backing off when he is abusive and mean, but I don't feel like exposing myself to whatever frame of mind he is in. Is that detaching with love?
I have felt that way many times during my oldest daughter's active alcoholism. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to expose yourself to his frame of mind at this time; I call that self-preservation mode.
We as human beings have a myriad of emotions, including fear and anger.
I used to have a terrible habit of saying 'but I shouldn't feel this way'!
Feelings are neither right or wrong; they just 'are'.
Be gentle with yourself, and know that an HP is watching over your son and you both (((hugs)))
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
None of us is perfect. I detach because I have to and need to not because I want o necessarily but for my own sanity I detach. I have not spoken to the ex A for months. I have gone beyond wondering it helps to let some time go by. They are amazingly resilient and have very very tough skins despite what they say. I rescued till I nearly killed myself. I am totally exhausted on so many levels. Maresie.
When our chidren are born we hope for the best. We spend our lives protecting them, nuturing them and teaching them. When they grow up all you can do , is hope that those values have become part of who they are. Once a child reaches the age tht they feel they are adults, you cannot control anything anymore. The choices are theirs to make and to screw up. You love your child.Thats why you have the fear something bad may happen. You dont have to love the behavior. That is a choice. I tell my kids (10 and 8 ) tht I will always love them, but I dont have to like thier behavior when they are acting bad and mean. And you know what ? They understand. Midget
Thank you all for you help. I think I need to feel sad and that's another feeling I am not allowing. My son has disappeared and a sick unhappy out of control man is in his place. I long to have my son back and right now that's not going to happen. Maybe someday. My range of emotions is so narrow, fear, anger, and a flat affect as I go do the things that must be done.-work clean cook etc. This site is helping me see how controlled and diminished i've become. It's so hard. Laura
Laura, I believe we love them,you love him.You are angry and upset at the diseases behavior.
For me detaching is remembering and loving A's,but hating the disease,and how it affects them.
I am so sad your son is so sick. My son is 31 also. He is not A but he is bi polar.needs to be on anti depressants.
If I call him, he is always discouraged,angry, disillusioned spelll, by the world. He has a good job,owns his home etc. But hon I avoid calling him too.
I know how you feel but with working this program and my HP it does get better. I love what Debilyn said. It doesn't have to be someone sick with Aism. It can be a lot of different sicknesses. I used to worry constantly when I did not hear from my A son for awhile but I learned later on that if he was in trouble I always heard from him. I use to obsessively call him with 1 excuse or the other just to check on him. The longer I was in the program the easier it got. Instead of worrying so much about him when I did not hear from him I prayed that I would be able to have the strength to deal with whatever happened to him. I just accepted that he might die in an accident or kill someone else while driving drunk. I accepted him with much compassion and that he had a disease that was like any other that I had no control over. I accepted that his HP had a plan for him and it was not up to me to step in and try to interfere with that plan. I truly let go of him and gave him to God and today(only today) he is sober.
I am praying that you find some peace. You are well on your way. He knows deep down inside that you are not calling because you are learning to detach from his problems and take care of yourself and maybe he thinks that you are not as concerned as you use to be. That may tell him that you have confidence that he can work out his own problems.
Love, Gail
ps....my therapist once told me that everytime I fixed a problem for him or questioned him about things in his life that reinforced that he was unable to take care of himself.
Of course you love your son. Without a doubt. Right now there are other emotions thrown in the mix. It is understandable to be angry when he decided to binge after 5 months of sobriety. I have experienced the exact same feelings with my 30 yr. old alcoholic son in the past.
This is how I look at things today. My HP (and my son's HP) is God. God blessed me with two beautiful sons. Two gifts from God to me. God left these gifts with me to take care of, love, nuture and keep safe. I did all of that. Then a disease came along. An awful disease. This is when I have prayed and asked God to embrace this gift. I am not giving my gift back, just asking God to now take over in caring for my son. Because now I am helpless. I have no control. I need to step aside a let a Higher Power be there for my son.
There are many emotions for the parents of alcoholics. But love always stands out in front. Just because you are beginning to detach and allow your HP to take care of your son does not mean you no longer love your son. Once you let go and let God, you will find peace in your own life. And when you begin to find serenity and start to let go of the insanity, all of the other emotions will fall into place. With love being the first on the list.
My prayers are with your son and you and your family. God bless.
