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He made it home past midnight with someone driving him. He could hardley walk. He was very nice to them but as soon as he saw me he started acting like a real creep. Stumbling around the house kicking stuff and saying mean things. I didn't want him to wake the kids up or fall down and hurt himself. He started going up the stairs to the bedroom, stumbled back and I had to catch his fall. I tried to talk him out of going up the stairs but it was no good. He slowly staggered up the stairs. I stood behind him ready to catch him, but I was so scared. He outweighs me by about 60 pounds and if he fell we would both get hurt. When he saw me he started laughing and telling me to leave him alone. He slipped and I caught him but he kept laughing. He made it to the very top of the stairs but refused to take another step until I got away from him. I went around to face him and he stood at the top with his back to the stairs, swaying, telling me to just go away. I have no doubt he would have fallen all the way down the stairs. They are mean stairs too, not the plushy carpet kind. When he swayed real big I just grabbed his arm and swung him into the bedroom. He thought we were having fun and then made a disgusting attempt to seduce me. I told him to lay down, I'll turn out the light and be right back. You know I slept on the couch. 2 hours later I had to get the kids ready for school and go to school myself. He's fine, doesn't remember a thing except that a friend drove him home. He's not even hungover. I was so tempted to leave him on the stairs. To just go away like he told me to. I wondered even then, would I be good alanoner? Shouldn't I just step back and let him hit bottom? I couldn't do it.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
My A use to use the "I'm leaving" threat, that would bring on me pleading...no no don't go, please stop, let's just go to sleep" then the tears and me staying up all night. If he had left, I would spend hours trying to call him and reason with him......Then one time he threatened to leave and I held the door open for him, he left and then I locked the doors and went to bed....The other night when he left I again let him......my mother in-law asked if I wanted her to let me know if he showed up there....I told her no. I then switched my mood and realized I had the WHOLE king sized bed AND the bedroom didn't smell like alcohol!!!! He didn't remember a thing, woke up at a friends house.....I have to stay focused on me and where I am going. I can't get pulled back into his drama. I am going to try hard to day to count my blessings. All the good things around me. All the good supportive people in my life. All my angels in heaven watching over me, and I am going to listen hard to hear my HP speak to me. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs
I dont think you are horrible at all. I know I had to put me in there too. Sometimes when the A was at his worst I did things so that I would not be affected. when I had a plan b in place I started to let the chips fall where they may not before then. Why beat yourself up? You already had a terrible night.
I remember several years ago my A came home and passed out on the front lawn next to the front steps. I phoned my sponsor in a panic. "What shall I do? What shall I do????" I will never forget her response which was, "Can you step over him?" I started to laugh, thanked her, and stepped over him for the rest of the day and into the evening. He lay there with a broken front tooth until he was able to take care of himself. I learned a lot that day. I still have a hard time with some things, but I have gotten pretty good at "stepping over" him.
Don't worry. You are doing fine. Next time just try stepping over him. Gives you such a feeling of POWER!!!
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Be gentle with yourself--this is not a program of perfection, just progress. Sounds to me like you are right where you need to be--awareness is a wonderful sign of recovery!! Just remember...baby steps may be small, but they still get you where you need to go...
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I'm with Diva on this one.... "step over him"...... it works wonders. If the kids wake up to see their father in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, it is his issue to deal with, not yours. The best part is, you get to take the "high road", by leaving him alone, just as he had requested!
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
So I should have just let him fall down the stairs? UHHG I mean he could have really gotten hurt, especially when he was at the top. I wanted to back off sooooo bad though. But it's alot like that time he drove off wasted. I backed off, I said "if he crashes that car, it has nothing to do with me" The felt sick with guilt watching him go. What if he killed somebody? WHat if he fell down the stairs last night and died or broke something?
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Well things like falling down really high stairs would be bad for you and kids. His time off work, money, doctors visits or maybe worse. So I'm not so sure I wouldn't have done exactly as you?
We have to detach but be reasonable too.
I don't know "right" thing to do but I can say it would have been difficult for me to do other than you did.
I'm new to this site and Al Anon, but feel I'm a horrible alanoner already...I can't help myself but confront the A in my life most times, primarily because he drinks or has drunk when he is 'on duty' with our 6-year old. He's only watching him for a couple of hours after school until I get home, but he just doesn't get it that something could happen. Any advise on stepping away, separating the man from the alcohol, or anything else that would help?
Hi Pick and welcome. I am sorry, I don't want you to think that this is crazy stuff that's never gonna happen for you because that is just not true. I feel like a bad alanoner because sometimes I will have a bad night or moment where all the things I've been trying to work on just go "poof!" and I'm back to square 1. My little trip up the stairs last night felt like a metaphor. He didn't want me there, I didn't want to be there, but I felt like I had to be there to save him from himself. Did I really need to be there?
At least with alanon we can learn from the past in a supportive environment. We all have our own success stories too.
Hope to hear more rom you
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
So, when I read the end of your post, this is what I think of. Right or wrong, I don't know.... He has no recollection of what happened, right? For all he knows, a friend drove him home, he quietly let himself in and tucked himself into bed. Thus, what's the problem? Maybe he wouldn't have even made it to the stairs had you not greeted him? Perhaps he would have woken up on the porch, the stairs or on the floor downstairs? Then, maybe, he would have been forced toat least remember that something wasn't right.
I like your metaphor about him not wanting you there and you thinking you need to be. It is a really difficult situation to be in, particularly when you have kids. I like to think that my reality usually ends up much tamer than what I imagine.
You are human, just like the rest of us. I often think how I am not very good at alanon, but then every so often I get a glimpse of hope, and that's what I need to hang on to.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I think we've all been guilty of being bad AlAnoners at one time or other. When I really blow it I always look back on it and ask myself what I would do differently the next time, because when living wirh an A you can be sure there will be a next time.
Don't be hard on yourself.
Take Care,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I aggree Lou, it's like I just realized it. The problem was in my earlier post, when I was crying out of frustration because he was out so long and didn't call. I couldn't go to sleep because I was so worried and was watching the street. I saw his car pull up and was completely intrigued when someone else got out of the car. I went downstairs and turned on the light, both of them looked like teenagers sneaking in the house. I should have just pulled the covers over my head and sang myself to sleep. If he fell down the stairs while I was in bed, what would I have to do with it? Easier said then done anyway. I'm still getting there.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I'm with Lou, I think you said that you caught him several times so odds are he would never have made it to the top of the stairs without your intervention. I would let the chips and the drunk fall where they may. If he hurts himself then there's the call to 911. Same call when he is drunk driving and you are worried he might kill someone with his car. What if you had been sleeping? Then what? I have learned through this that the only people I am responsible for are me and my children and living with my A was like having an out of control child. Now I have a teen who is somewhat out of control but not fully and I realize that I HAVE to do whatever it takes to get her in line because it IS my responsibility to the world and to her and to myself that I do that. As for other adults, they are their own responsibility and if they can't take care of themselves I don't need them in my life. I spent so long letting my kids go by unattended because I was constantly obsessing on the other "adult" in the house and now I am paying the price for that with an out of control teenager. Hopefully it's not too late to turn her around. Even with teens sometimes you have to let the chips fall where they may. I have found that I am capable of putting out way more effort and accomplishing so much more than I ever thought possible.
I certainly don't have all the answers, but will share where I drew "my line"....
I stopped (or at least tried to stop) my A from driving while intoxicated, and/or driving with our children, as well as "caring" for the children, when she was actively drinking. My rationale was that the kids are obviously too young to fend for themselves (they were both under 7 at the time), and the driving things was just too much potential for loss of innocent life somewhere. I did things such as taking away her keys, or removing wires from her car, so that she could not drive it....
As for the stairs issue - I guess I have to reflect on where you would see it stopping? I would suggest that this is one of 100 or more situations in any given day that a drunk goes through.... Are you willing/able to stop your entire life, and literally walk around behind him with a pillow, to soften his landing?? You really can't be responsible for his ongoing safety for walking, etc., and it is in NO way your fault or responsibility if something were to happen. As cold as it may sound, even if you want to play out the worst scenario - if he fell and hit his head and got severely injured..... he would have likely done this one way or another anyways.... either this time, or next, or on his way out of the bar, or the car, or .....
I had to learn this the hard way too.... I was "guilty" of cleaning up my wife's messes far too often, and finally started seeing the effect it was having on me..... I wasn't living the three C's, and in fact it was keeping me stuck thinking that I could correct things, and control things, etc.... It is definitely a murky line, but the best summation I can come up with is that, wherever possible, an alcoholic needs to have consequences for their behaviors....
IMHO, the most likely scenario from the stair incident that you described, is that your hubby would have ended up sleeping at the bottom of the stairs, probably cold & uncomfortable, and possibly with some "reminder bruises" of his night....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You are NOT a horrible alanoner!!!!! You are human!!! Welcome!!! Personally, it would have been hard for me not to give him a shove down the stairs....not THAT would be so NOT alanon! LOL!
Detaching would be letting the drunk fall where he may (good one CG!) Detatching with love would be letting him fall where he may and then leaving him there and covering him with a blanket.
In cases like this, I have to pretend like I'm just not there - let whatever happens to him happen as though he were living alone and came home drunk - because THAT's his living with real consequences.
Had you not followed him around, he might not have even attempted the stairs when he came home. But since you were there, the disease chose to play the control game with you and get you all wrapped up in concern for his welfare.
We learn, we grow. Above all, remember none of us are perfect. If we were, there wouldn't be any alcoholics in existence! If we were, we wouldn't need Al-anon!
lol seren it occured to me the next day that I could have just given him a nudge, tap, or even a blow in his direction and all my troubles would just roll down the stairs. Even if he lived he would never remember. But I would never. I guess that's what separates me from the other inmates here. just kidding
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
((((RJ)))) what's really horrible (I was gonna use another word) is that you judge your self so negatively for behaving as a person who cares for someone who is so sick. Gotta let that one go. Give yourself a pat on the back and a hug like this one (((((hugs))))) and continue to turn him over to your HP.
I was once taught that the best way to love my alcoholic was to care. Let them take care of the consequences and care while that is being done.
