The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My life is a sham. No matter where I go, there I am. I didn't mean for that to rhyme. No matter what I do or try to accomplish, I always come back to the same spot. Watching the clock, looking out the window. Watching the clock. Listening for the car. Making myself sick. Maybe I'll get lucky and tonight will be the night he doesn't come home. Put an end to this circle.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Your life is not a sham. Take all that negative energy you put into worrying about him, looking out the window and refocus it in a positive way: ON YOU! Sounds like you need to get to a face to face meeting and be with people who are in the same place you are. Don't isolate. They will help you. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
We all have done it or like myself still do it. We are imperfect and are up against a powerful disease. For myself I use the Alanon slogans. I have been in the program for years now and still error on the side of the A. I am fakin' it until I make it. If I do obsess I make sure that I clean or pay a bill or prep for class and act like it doesn't matter. Someday I will be off the wheel but until I will continue to try.
Thanks for sharing! It is so helpful to know others are feeling similar feelings. I agree face to face meetings are the key. Also getting the idea that I am responsible for my life and happiness not his behavior, getting that idea from my head to my heart and making it stay there is a constant challenge for me.
Knowing that his behavior is NO REFLECTION of my worth!!! So what he does is only a reflection of him and his struggles is so helpful to my heart (when I remember it) but thank God that is more often than not lately.
For me at least today, it is not so much about if he loves me or not but about do I want a more productive life and can I manage to have one with him and if not will I be strong enough, wait.... I don't have to be strong if I give it to HP .... any way for me it's about a productive life and choices I have to make.. but today I will be happy with what I have, love me and do the best I can at all I have to do!
I focused my entire life on the A. There is 10% maybe of my life I can control, things I can do to make it better. For me some of that started with detachment, giving the A to a higher power rather than feeling 100% responsible for him (actually it was more than 100%). Making a plan b was huge for me. It wasn't a great plan b but it was functional. Talking about my options (I didn't like any of them of course) was an option.
When I focused on me he stopped being able to make me "sick". I stopped having him literally run my life. Detaching is a long hard tough road but possible and it is possible to detach even when he is out there doing god knows what. I did and many other people in this room did.
You can do this. You can turn this around. You can put yourself back behind the drivers wheel.
