The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think it is about time I get myself off this merry go round my partner makes me promisies only to break them nothing ever changes for long. All his needs are getting met and none of mine. I feel quite ashamed for not taking better care of myself For looking to another person to make me happy. I jumped into this relationship after the end of my 17 year marriage to a complusive gambler I have never been alone. I think it is about time I stay on my own and take care of me (time to heal), I want a loving partnership and I deserve one I am sick of giving my all and getting crumbs back. I am scared though because over the past 3 years I have stong moments like this where my self worth is stronger tham my love for him but I keep having slips. I have to develop strategies to break this cycle. He always wears me down because I try and stay friends I am going to have to cut all contact to stop this happening, then I can really focus on me and I know my life will get better by the day. Thanks again
My AHsober left our over 30 yr marriage. It has been three years. At the same time my youngest left home too. So I went thru the loss of my husband (was it really a loss?) and an empty nest. My biggest fear had always been could I take care of myself and be alone - say widowhood. I can. It gets easier and easier. With A's I guess you are really alone anyway because they are here one day and gone the next. I have found that I can more than take care of myself. I am alone only if I don't seek out other people (friends not boyfriends). I have skills I never knew I had. I can change a flat tire and chainsaw trees. Those things I cannot do for myself, friends, family, and even strangers are more than willing to help. Yes, I miss my husband and the good parts of my marriage. I am learning to not take the crappola from him - that is harder because the A's can be so charming. Stay strong. Our HP's want better for us.
hi Nancy it felt good reading your post I am getting close to leave my A husband for over 26 yrs of marriage I am so fed up with this roller caster ride I want to get off but I am so scare, need support form all of u. I will keep in touch
The fear of being alone was very real and powerful to me. I do understand what you are going through.
Today I am so grateful to be living on my own, and continuing the journey of self-discovery. When I got honest with self, I realized that my higher power is always there, and I have so many good friends in recovery who understand what it's like to take that very scary step and get out on my own.
Today, I choose not to replace one unhealthy relationship with another. Today I chose to work on me and enjoy my independence and freedom!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Great mindset!! Great Post!! I was taught that it was okay to take a look at my needs and then go get them taken care of. Course I was also taught the difference twix a need and a want. (Dang ole wise sponsors). I was also taught that no matter who or what or where or how things were around me I was responsible for deciding if those needs were met or not. My responsibility. I remember in a forth step coming to the realization and truth that I had put my sick alcoholic thru the wringer with my expectations that she would and could make me feel complete and happy. Truth was when I looked deeper that not even a healthier person had the stuff to do that for me and that some of my needs were unrealistic. Being born and raised in the disease of alcoholism often time results in offspring running around without the very basic affirmation of love.
I learned to leave and go off for certain periods of time and certain distances not to get away from my alcoholic but because during those times and distances I was looking for things that would help me grow in all of the areas of my life...mind, body, spirit and emotions; and that I ought not to have the alcoholic around because I was too habitually focused on her and would not concentrate on what was before me.
As I grew in recovery she continued to not grow. She left her recovery and again started to shrink and withdraw from what she had learned. So she worked on fulfilling the need to satisfy the craving for alcoholc and I worked on being able to function in my own skin without fear, worry, a lack self esteem, any self love, and loneliness. My goals became faith, acceptance of the present and no projecting into the future, self confidence and love and from that the loss of loneliness.
I spent much time working that most important of relationships (for me) the relationship between me and my HP, my God. My HP didn't drink and stagger all over the house and country and go missing for days and weeks. My HP was always there and cooperated with me in getting my needs met. My HP knew more about my needs than I did at that time and when I got into my wants my HP stepped back from my search; not far and not for a long time but enough to leave me to my own devises and that is where I learned that my only problem is me...and my only solution is God.
I never had to run off, get lost, do a geographical as they called it then. Just had to step back out of the lime light and into the other light. I take me with me and knowing that and reminding myself that I am responsible for me and what happens to me...I don't want to duplicated the past in my present or warrantee it for my future.
"Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice". If I don't love me as much as I love you...it isn't love and it isn't equal.
I hope you are able to stay strong and make choices that will make you happy. Talk to your HP he has the real answers.
Just to let you know your feelings are not alone the crazy "rolling around in my head", taking up useful time ideas I have are as follows.
I probably have two choices. To stay or not with him. The choice I want is a third. To stay and have this 5 year "situation" ( I jumped into after a 15 year unhappy marriage) I have never been really alone either.. I want to see this "situation" turn into a true relationship.
Even with all the tools I'm learning in Alanon it's pretty clear if someone doesn't really hear anything you say, doesn't ask any questions, really shows no interest at all it's hard to call it a relationship? Am I right or being dramatic again or BOTH? both i think!!
I know I'm dealing with 2 main things: Beer and his mother's control, she is just in his life so much there is not room for another "main" woman.
This would be an easy choice for me except he uses "sweet talk" like telling me he loves me and I'm pretty etc. and he seems like he won't "cheat". Two main ingredients in my "relationship cake mix" He is good in most practical ways (I think) I'm confused. I know I "do" all my stuff myself- If my car breaks down I deal with it, If the trash needs taking out I do it. I bring him all meals and most of the time he begins eating before I sit down etc. I'm kinda like a slave- just for those few words of "love"..and assurance he won't disgrace me by cheating. (okay know that statement needs looking at)!
I am really cool, smart, motivated, just not in the ways that get his attention? I have somehow "fallen into" behaving in ways I don't even mean to. Things I don't feel are "me" or represent what I believe. Wierd he stays too -except for all the financial help, maid service and he says sex is good??? (which I worry that he just gave up on being with someone he could truely care for for the above "extras")
We have met more (sassy, sarcastic type) women and he will seem "mezmerized" and say things like: I Like her, she was funny. She said....blah blah etc. and he can't tell you where my checkbook is or when our electric bill is due or identify with how I feel about ANYTHING! or even want to try.
I've tried being "light" but that doesn't seem to work unless it is all the time 24 / 7 and I never need or want to talk about anything meaningful! Even when I'm light and funny he seems to "forget" anything I say immediately after I say it. I can't seem to make any connection at all!!
Day to day he is like a silent roomate, if that. I have seen him behave more friendly and actually "talk" to others? YUK... Obviously I need to work on me primarily but dang I have got to make some choices...
The rest of my life could slip by while I hope for that third choice.
Okay leaving this post- mainly for me to know what I think- but any response is great...Except for the just "work your progarm" and go to meetings thing- got it, doing it. So thankful for it.
Thanks for your patience with me! Maybe if my story is similar it will help you.
